american idol rant

It's so hard to say goodbye....to yesterday....

2011-02-25T01:12:00.000-08:00

Ok can I just go there...I LOVES ME SOME J-LO...but gurrllllll with the breakdown....this is what you signed up for. Am I the only one who has watched the show before? You knew you couldn't tell 'em all yes. And you are the first group of judges that have seemed completely genuine at this whole thing. So suck it girl. Pull it together. Get your eye on the prize and keep on it. You got this mama...you got this!!!

Alright...now that that's out of the way....please put us out of our misery with this madness. Just get to it. I mean one of the best parts of the first half of this episode was them playing Diddy's Coming Home as the background music. That is a hot song people. I mean...I don't have enough street cred to know what the whole Dirty Money thing is all about....but I'm down with the music. The other great part is that I started to notice the contestants were on the most amazing runway for their walk down to the chair. I mean did you see those girls strutting down that catwalk. The outfits were only fitting for that in most cases let me tell you that. Lauren girl...you know I love you...but I'm just saying....only for the runway babe...leave it for the runway. (i'm being kind to the really young ones....)

Focus...

So far their selections have been just fine with me. Like I said, there are no bad ones. But on the other hand...there are a handful of REALLY good ones. As long as they're in I'm good. Now, imma be honest here...i'm only at 1hr 15mins mark on the Tivo and I'm bored as all get out with this episode of Project Runway meets The Hills meets The Underage Real World. Going to get some snacks...be back....

ok...1hr 42mins....no surprises. Everyone I think should have made it is in. Now we're down to the last 2 runway walks. And the outfits aren't even worthy. Roll video. Hit dramatic music. SCREECH!!! Wait. How is this one girl wearing THE SAME BLACK LEATHER DRESS is every single package they show of her right now???????? All the way back to her audition. The same strapless leather mistake. OMG she will be embarrassed when she looks back at that. Oh, no she won't - she says she's done this 7 times. Look, i'm just thinking that if you audtion 7 times for this show and haven't made it yet...you should know the drill right? But no. She proceeds to cuss out the show, giving us the finger and going on about how her birthday is forever ruined and what not. Guurrlllll.....no. this is not for you. Now it's the walk for the last 3 boys. You know - 3 people, 1 spot...blah, blah, blah. All 3 have amazing voices in this case....they saved the nail biter for the end. Sigh...enough already. singing please. that's all i ask for next week.

Peace!

the yellow submarine has sailed

2011-02-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

Alright. The episode from last night was all exceptional in the beginning with the singing... The Beatles songs were on deck for the final Vegas round and the mini group performances they showed were amazing. But then like in skating they do the kiss and cry as I like to call it. They bring these kids down to sit in a chair to await their fate. Terrible last hour with the you're either out or you're in madness. Boringgggg....get on with the singing!

Wittled 'em down to the top 24 and the group is so talented right now that anyone leaving is already a sad loss. I haven't seen anyone yet this season that made me say "why are they taking up space up there?"....wellll....no, i take that back. The one crazy in the group - Ashley. Come on now. This girl who ran off and got married in Vegas before her Beatles disaster duo??? Listening to her talk I couldn't help but think "what the hell???"....sigh...but she's gone home now ya'll so...let it rest. Let it rest.

Let it all rest.

And by rest, I mean rest their asses up for the next round. SING. SING my little puppets SING!!! To use one of Randy's favorite lines - This is a singing competition. Now get back to the singing.

Peace out. On to Thursday's episode...

The IDOL of old is baaackkkkk!!!

2011-02-19T02:29:00.000-08:00

People it is back. IT.IS.BACK. The talent is B-A-C-K.
I don't even know what I'm doing here after all these seasons...but let me just say that something moved me right off this couch and to the kitchen where my laptop was calling me....calling me to blog about the RIDICULOUS talent this year.

What is in the water this year??? The 15 and 16 year olds showed up to whoop the old dawgs at their game and the underdogs who don't have anywhere NEAR the typical Idol look came with guns blazing to stake their claim as well. Simon would have to be institutionalized rocking back and forth in his seat over these unlikely contestants - none of which seem to have any sort of the "IT" factor....except that their voices are AMAZING. And yes, I like the new judges. Period. LOVE them so far. Good chemistry. And when steven tyler starts singing along with you...you gotta know it's a hot performance.

Here are some of my early favs from Hollywood Week so far:

15 year old Lauren Alaina. This girl can sing her little butt off and she is soooo cute and charming she's likely to make it on that alone. She has oozed likeability from the second they showed her audition. The ultimate secret weapon....watch out everyone! JLo is smitten with her "fi-i-if-teen" ness....

Jacob Lusk. Lord have mercy this boy can SANG. not sing....ya'll know me...when it's really good they SANG. And this boy can SANG. His God Bless the Child solo was as JLo said a "in case you had any doubts (about my talent and keeping me in the competition)...lemme just show you a little somethin'"
Blown away by this 'leaving it all out on the stage' performance. TIVO alert: you will rewind to watch this guy sing his butt off repeatedly.

16 year old Brett Loewenstern is so great. That red hair...first of all....really??? Love. And his voice is just to die for. And he sang one of my favs The Story by Brandi Carlisle

Julie Zorrilla and Stefano Langone get a shout out as well. Good vibe, both are super cute and soul from who knows where in their voices.

Caleb Hawley - ridiculous version of a great Stevie Wonder tune - and an hot, acoustic version too? Go on with your bad self.

15 year old Jaycee Badeaux - sooooo talented. plus he still has his baby bieber high pitched singing voice.

Colton Dixon - great. well rounded musician with a great voice and rocker look

And imma' finish it up with the best...Casey Abrams with his middle age, scruffy, curly haired, I certainly don't look anything like an american idol look. Casey Abrams with his crazy harmonica like doomajigga. Casey Abrams with his upright bass onstage for his final performance was AMAZINGLY talented with a ridiculous sense of musicality. The best. Just bringing the talent.

Early Hot Mess award goes to Ashley Sullivan. wow...a mess...just a mess....

may the force be with us this season!
Peace Out

Well... babies are not always so cute...

2009-04-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

Alright ya'll here we go. We're in the thick of things and it's getting down to the point where there are no more truly bad singers to send home. (Now that Lawnmower voice is gone) Everyone left can sing and therefore voting will be key.

STOP

Did you hear me people???? Voting will be the key to getting the right people to the finals. We've seen it in years past... don't get lazy and assume everyone else voted for your favorite - you have to vote people! VOTE and vote for the right person. All the greats have been in the bottom at least once over the years because everyone assumed they didn't need the vote... ruben, j-hud, ... blah, blah, blah... what was I saying? I know you've heard it all before. But this is where we lose faith in the system every single season. This is where it starts to break down. But this year we have the judges SAVE and maybe that will even things out.

Maybe...

Ok so right off I'm gonna tell ya if you only have a few minutes to watch or are short on patience (whichever) here is your TiVo take: Beginning for Soul Train, 30 mins in for Anoop Dawg, then 45 mins in for the two showstoppers Allison and Rock Star. The rest you can afford to miss.

The theme - kind of a When They Were Babies weird idea of a theme. Who the heck sat at the meeting and admitted to having that idea? Anyway, even though the baby photos may have been the highlight for many of these kids, some actually had a really good night. Loved it for the most part.

My boy Danny Soul Train Gokey started it off with one of my favorites - Stand By Me. Well... at least the original was. This version kind of leaves you wondering what you're listening to. I was like "I know this song... I think... well the words are the same.. but where is the music I'm used to... oh maybe this middle part... no... shoot, well the end was still good... sigh. But vocally it was good as usual. Love's me some Soul Train. Just a tip tho - Baby that skinny tie thing was over a long time ago. Let it go. Don't want anyone bringing it back.

Kris - I grow weary of this one. And you are NOT a rock star boy. (not to be confused with Adam who IS a rock star) I know he can sing... but they all can now so it's just time to start weeding out the boys from the men.

Lil - What's love got to do with it - well everything Lil cause I did not love that. she's in danger. She REALLY needs to just pick up the pace and sing her butt off if she survives this week!! She is worth keeping. She's not better than Allison, Soul Train or Rock Star but she's got a heck of a voice.

Anoop Dawg - FINALLY, that performance that we haven' t heard since the auditions. Cindi Laupers True Colors . Super smooth vocal. I loved this! Go Anoop fight for your spot... cause you probably don't have too many more weeks left.

Piano Man or this week should we call him Barry Manilow - need I say more? Ugh... bye, bye now.

Allison - what can I say ya'll? Sigh... when I heard she was singing a Bonnie Rait tune I was all kinds of shocked and scared for her. But I should know better by now. Whatever comes out of her mouth just sounds incredible. Amazing for a 16 year old. Here's what I figured out about her - the reason most people (and by most people I mean Simon) didn't like 16 year old Diana Degarmo was because she oozed 16 year oldness... creepy 16 year old pageant girl oozed from her pores when she was on stage. Her voice was great... but not this great. Allison would blow her away. Allison is still young feeling without seeming childish and like a High School Musical star. (Love HSM - have them all... btw)

JT - Well he sang a song I despised when it came out 20 years ago and I still despise today: Part Time Lover. And unfortunately I couldn't separate that from his performance. The judges thought it was amazing...uhhmmm... I did not. It was o.k. He was all kinds of JT tonight that's for sure (without the dancing) so I guess he may hold on another week. I'm not sure what it is about him that isn't getting the votes from the girls but he keeps ending up in the bottom 3 so he probably will again this week too.

Rock Star - Now those of you that taped this on your DVR... you probably got screwed over by the network because the show ran 8 minutes over. That means you only saw the version of the show that had 7 performers on it huh? Sucks to be you. Look, superstar, rock star Adam pulled the vocal performance of the night out again. I loved this! Amazing sound to this kid's voice. I've said before that he is the most talented with his age and stage career and therefore the most aware of his capabilities and of what he can do with the music. LOVE HIM.

Alright everyone. Gear up for the vote off. My gut is telling me something shocking will happen tonight... but I hope I'm wrong!!

Peace out!

ain't no sunshine

2009-04-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

just returned from the happiest place on earth... and no, i do not mean a taping of american idol - i mean disney. a little spring break fun in the sun. the kids are happy and i am a hero mom. walt - you are a genius. go me. On to idol for this week.

i was too busy watching mickey's greatest firework show to watch idol last night so I rushed home to my tivo remote tonight to see what i had missed. and much to my dismay i found that last night the kids sang some whacky song choices again. this won't take long...

anoop dawg - usher?!?!?! ok son, you got some cool, ghetto funk to your voice i'll give you that. but you are no usher. i thought this could be a cool performance for anoop and that he might finally show us some more personality. well...no, i was wrong. it was ok. but just ok. and just ok won't cut it now.

megan - you know what? if i thought she'd be around long enough i'd give her a name - lawnmower. Her voice reminds me of an irritating motor whining on and on. PLEASE, make it all stop. i don't even know what the heck she was singing because i was so busy trying to tune that voice out that i couldn't hear the words! no joke. but i will say this - spanx are your friend megan when you have that little pooch in the front and muffin top on the sides... we all have it... i love my spanx and you should find some you love too if you plan on spending more time on tv.

soul train - at first i was like RASCAL FLATS??? You're killing me. but then he put a little soul train spin on the middle like i hoped he could and brought me around. don't write me - i LOVE some rascal flats ya'll... i just thought it would be tough for him to turn that into a danny song. i was wrong.

allison - really?!?! honey, you do not need that crazy get up for us to know you are a wild rocking teen! We hear it in your voice. It's all good, great voice like I've always said, but this week she does not get the best of the night shout out from me at all. and the judges were right, the crazy getup was all very distracting for me. unnecessary.

piano man - speaking of piano man...anything billy joel should be good right? i loved billy joel back in the day...sigh..... what can i say - I'm just an old school kind of girl. ok look, scott was admittedly better than the performances we've seen lately. he wasn't all that to warrant all the gushing by the judges though. and another thing, that new look is just horrible. if he could see i can't imagine that he would have looked in the mirror and said "dang, i look gooood". it's like a cross between patrick swayze in dirty dancing and michael jackson in beat it. both good looking around 1987. neither good in 2009. thank you very much.

JT - funny, but i liked what my boy JT did tonight. apparently I was the only one who did cause all the judges slaughtered him. yes, the boy can sing some Awra & B (that the way some of us like to say R&B for those that don't know) but shouldn't we be applauding the versatility? every artist today is dying to find the crossover niche for themselves. I disagree with the judges completely.

lil rounds - she looked really, really good this week I will say that. and even beyonce's booty has never looked like that in a dress! what?!?! bootyliscious is an understatement. having a stylist has been good for her and she should consider keeping him or her when this is all over. ok the song... sigh... i want her to do well... i love her voice..... but i honestly did not like this performance. the judges were right - she is having trouble picking songs each week. but how adorable were those lil' girls?!?!

rock star - i don't know this week. play that funky music white boy... play that funky music... this is a solid hit by wild cherry back in the day and this did not work for me at all. i still got mad love for ya (as randy would say) but that was a hot mess to me. a hot mess.

kris - said he was trying to make one of those moments... hhmmm... great voice... but nothing special to "make one of those moments" for me. sorry. with a great song like ain't no sunshine when she's gone - i gotta disagree with the judges a little here. he could have made that an incredible bluesy r&b moment yes, but he didn't. too "pop sounding" for my taste for that song. what he did was ok - but i certainly do not think it was all that. not a great moment in AI history and not one of the best of the night not any of those things.

you know, i'm too tired to even give you a tivo moment. maybe the best moment would be the end. thank you very much. sorry. not sure i'm still writing coherently as my head is now very foggy and sleep deprived. must disappear for some sleep. did not watch the results show yet so DO NOT go telling me all day tomorrow who got voted off!

whatever. peace out everybody.

Really?

2009-03-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

OK. So Rigger Boy goes home. No shocker there. But really people?? Next week Megan has got to go.

I mean Megan most definitely should have been in the bottom - and then it's a toss up from there and I'm fine with it all. But year after year, somebody hangs on that shouldn't cause their myspace or facebook pals are just text voting away. (Is anyone still on myspace?? Facebook has sort of taken over the world hasn't it?)

Pull it together people. This is a singing competition, not the Miss America contest, the which one do you think is the cutest, has the best hair, walk and most sincere world peace answer.

Are ya feeling me?

the motown sound

2009-03-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

Who isn't excited about Motown week?!? WHAT?!?! Motown - hello! But 2 hours?

Sigh...I must be old but these long shows are so tiring I'm gonna start a new feature tonight. Each show I'll give you working, non-voting, power watchers who don't have the time to sort thru all the irrelevant performances a TiVo tip...

TiVo power watchers: Second half brought on the power. If you're short on time watch the very first performance and then skip to about an hour and 30 in. Just a tip ya'll.

So here's the thing though. Once again here these kids go singing all this great music, some true classics probably and are they gonna be able to live up to the expectations of what we've loved about the song all these years. PLUS... if these arrangements suck as bad as the Michael Jackson ones did... i will be forced to kill someone on the production staff immediately.

ok not really, that's a little harsh. Maybe I'm kidding.

a little.

Let's just get this little housekeeping bit out of the way right away - what the heck kind of ballerina crap dress is paula zipped up in tonight?? PAULA fire your stylist immediately. I've been holding back a little on Paula's outfits... but I can't anymore. Her face is creepy and plastic looking at times and her hair is equally bad and wig looking most nights... sigh.... honey please listen to me... please I'm begging. Ok I got that out. Done.

JT - So my boy Matt starts off the show with his Timberlake style oozing from his pores as he crooned the great Marvin classic Let's Get it On. And it was good. You know I like him.

Kris - I like this kid. Interesting cause although I think he can really perform and sing, I also think people are voting for him because he's cute and that will soon wear thin... maybe. That's the unfortunate part of AI... you never know how crazy the voters will be at times. No, but the kid does have a good voice. wow... that shot of Kris's family... do they still make argyle sweaters in those colors? ok I got a little distracted...

Piano Man - You Can't Hurry Love... hhmm...and unfortunately Scott we can't get past the fact that you sound like James Taylor playing in a hotel lounge each week now. I'm really excited to see him doing this well in the competition but I'm kinda over it. Don't go writing about how I'm a James Taylor hater... or blind people hater... really people. It's a competition and each week you gotta bring your A game to stay in when the voices are all this good.

STOP IT... crazy Paula just pulled out a box of crayons and some coloring books and gave them to Simon!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! These two are just nuts. No other way to describe it. Freaky, creepy, crazy nuts. Perfect. Those crayons will come back to haunt Paula at the end of the show. Simon will have the last laugh.

I hate Megan's voice and am growing impatient with the voters!! There I said it. And note to Megan: just because Smokey Robinson said you were one of the most original singers does not really mean that he loved you... it means just that... original. And this was a terrible vocal tonight... even if I liked her voice - it would have been bad. BYE BYE child. Randy said it perfectly - train wreck. And when Paula says things like "your stunning beauty takes my breath away and the camera loves you" you know she's struggling to find something good to say about the performance.

Anoop Dawg in the house! With a slow down, good vocal like Oohh Baby Baby... boy you were on tonight. But he has got to get a little more personality up there with his straight cut boring look! He could have walked down and sang that right up in a girl's face, while holding her hand and that would have been it ya'll. Panties on the stage ... but instead... it's little quiet thesis writing Anoop. Come on dawg you gotta pull it out now to stay in this!!

Rigger Boy - ok so in his video piece he says "I'm gonna kind of take it to church"... and I'm thinking hhmm... ok... let's see what you got cuz Aint too Proud to Beg is one of my favorites boy. I mean Ruben sang the heck out of that song in Idol 2. And you know what? Just as I thought, rigger boy did a version that just wasn't that good... but the one thing he had instead of good vocals was exactly what I just said Anoop lacked. He walked right out and grabbed some girl's hands and sang and that's probably all he needed to survive another week.

Wouldn't it be funny if Paula just punched Kara in the face? Do you think she's as tired of listening to her as I am??? Cause I'm really tired at this point...

Lil - ok I love Lil's voice and she is looking so much cuter last week and this week. She rocked a vintage look in tribute to the Motown ladies - redemption from the pastel nightmare... BUT... this wasn't the best show. I won't dis her too bad, but it wasn't that good. Not horrible at all, but nothing fabulous when I definitely thought she could have totally burned down the house on Motown week. MOTOWN week and she could have blown us away like Simon said. I think she'll be forgiven because she's so likable (and Megan was so much worse). Plus she gave the Obama shout out so she'll still get the votes she needs to hang in there another week I think.

Rock Star - I like that better for Adam than Theatre Boy I think. First of all, WOW, WOW, WOW what a crazy transformation he makes with his hair slicked back in that period look he was going for. I could totally see how theatrically he can play such a variety of roles, instead of just the punk kind of look he gives us all the time. That aside, this was an incredible performance. He has the best interpretation of songs and musically is absolutely the most talented one in this competition. Not vocally better than Allison, but his knowledge of his voice and use of music is way above everyone else. That talent may sadly be wasted on the tweens who are voting each week who don't get that but that won't matter at all for his career that's for sure. Standing ovation from Smokey Robinson. Crazy good vocal and interpretation of this old classic that I LOVE by the way and was worried about him messing with. No worries. Go on with your bad self. That was a rewind, Fantasia singing Summertime, J-Hud singing Weekend in New England, AI go down in history moment right there. It was just one of those moments on the show. And I don't even care that I haven't heard Danny who is next. Watching Rock Star again.

Danny Soul Train Gokey - was without the glasses tonight in the video piece... could he go on stage without them? Nope. Danny was rocking another pair of glasses. Did he take Smokey's advice and sing the rest of the phrase with the backup singers. Nope. Hhhmmm. The thing about mr. soul train is that he can sing anything and sound good so he has to be careful. It's exactly like Ruben. Exactly. No matter what he sang he sounded good, that wasn't the problem at all. You started to wonder just how much he was going to put in to it each week since singing was effortless in itself. I love this kid's voice. LOVE IT. But he has got to step it up and start thinking about the fact that he's in a competition where people vote to keep you. You have to bring something every week that makes people want to keep you Danny. Please I'm begging you to think harder about your song choices!

Allison - Now, girl, I was really wondering what we'd hear from you when I heard it was Motown. I thought about it for one minute and then said come on baby bring it with that voice! Light it up!! And my girl lit that stage on fire. HOLY SMOKES this girl sang the heck out of this song! WHAT?! WHAT?!? Sing that song girl! Kara is right about one thing tonight - you can't teach that. Pure talent at 16... that girl is money in the bank the way she feels music. You know what? I'm gonna go there and say that this is the best vocal by far that I've heard on Idol in all 8 seasons. Yep, I said it. I know what you're thinking. Better than my Rickey Smith singing Endless Love all by himself? Yep. (I went deep for that one didn't I??) Better than Trenyce channeling Bodyguard Whitney? Yep. Better than any of the 3 divas in their top rounds you ask? Yep. In fact, I'm almost thinking that vocal was better than anything J-Hud did while on the show... wait I gotta seriously think about that for a minute... Yep it was. I said it. Take it to the bank. I stand by it.

Tonight anyway.

ok. whatever. the show was sooo much better than last week's and the week before. And they did Motown proud actually. My girl Allison was sooo good I don't think anyone will remember to vote for some of those on the edge like Lil, Megan, Anoop and Rigger boy. How cute was Barry Gordy after all these years! And Smokey is still looking good ya'll! I mean really now, he has to be 80 or 90 now right?... oh ... wait... not that old?... ok. well... he looks good and I would still buy a ticket to a concert. I would. Whatever, you don't know.

O.k. ya'll I'm heading to bed so I'm out.

The velvet teddy bear RUUUUUUUBEN Studdard is the results show night returning idol this week. Can't wait!

idol on the wednesday/thursday plan

2009-03-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

So our beloved Idol is on the Wednesday/Thursday plan again this week... probably due to the presidential speech is my guess... well who really knows. Anyhow... no panic attacks like last time right?

Well... maybe a small one.

Checked the listings and my tivo approximately 22 times admittedly... but whatever...who's checking anyway.

...so until tomorrow...peace out.

held hostage by my new crackberry

2009-03-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

So you wanna know why I didn't write about this week's shows? where have i been? I know you're thinking:

family vacation to the amazon where there is no tv or internet?
or maybe -
business trip to one of our company's sweatshop factories in a third world country?

or... Barack was in town and I was summoned to go keep him company...

Ok, ok, ok I just came up with that last one right off the top of my head.

Here's the deal. It was time for a cell phone upgrade. You know, my 2 year contract was about up and my blackberry pearl had seen better days. So I upgraded.

Tuesday when I got home from work... there it was. My new Blackberry Bold had arrived and I very quickly became completely absorbed and obsessed. For days now all I've done is play with this freakin' blackberry. (Which is INCREDIBLE by the way!!!) Sigh... I played right thru Tuesday nights performances (Oh I heard it. All that country crap was droning on in the background - again, I heard it). Went to bed. Went to work. Came home from work. Sat playing with the CLEARLY appropriately named crackberry for a second night... and a third... and a fourth.

But I am good now. I've kicked the habit. On the wagon and taking a ride in the right direction.

Speaking of wagons, Boy oh boy Paula seems to have fallen head first off her wagon right??!!?? Yikes, is she totally ready for the jacket or what? Don't you find yourself listening to her and thinking "what the hell???" Nothin' but a hot mess.

Long story very short: kara is officially whack with her silver lame outfit (who does that?!?), danny is a singing wonder, you go anoop with your comeback and the vote off was accurate.

there. done.

does the SWAT team sing backup now?

2009-03-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

ok apparently we're back to listening to the worst people (they're in the bottom because no one voted for them right?) sing. then ryan asks the judges right in front of the contestant are you saving this person or throwing them off the show?

ok he didn't say it like that. but might as well have said it...

interesting. although i love that the judges get to save someone from elimination if they want, is there a better moment... a better way they could say it...??? ok maybe i'm getting soft.

this is a competition for petes sake! if you're not ready for the smack down then you shouldn't be in the ring. you're either out or you're in. jasmine is out. i can't say i'm surprised. i'm not. good voice, but she has showed us no personality so far. nobody got attached to her enough to vote for her.

and then i look up and there's kanye west walking out on stage with his oj gloves on and all. backup singers dressed in bullet proof swat gear... nope, not joking. huh? the cute ensemble of idol wannabes just paraded around that very stage lip syncing michael jackson's ABC. what's happening people?!?! I mean, there used to be a time when performing on these shows was soooo not cool. And a few years ago there was prince performing and people figured out that they could pimp their new tracks to this huge, crazy, will pay money to vote for their favorite contestant 55 times group of viewers. we do this stuff to ourselves you know.

back to reality.

how many pair of glasses does danny have and do you think he really needs them to see or... like i said last night... ghetto fabulous fashion perhaps?

wow, have we ever noticed how tall anoop dawg is? he looked crazy tall standing there next to jorge and ryan.

oh boy every week they're going to bring back a former idol. first we're graced with kelly. yeah. and will ruben come out of hiding to appear as well? that might be worth watching... kelly wasn't. although i must admit i was just waiting to see what weight she was after the pics released of her at the grammys. she looks fine. and she's always had that pooch - you can find all the conversations we used to have about that back in the archives for sure.

ok, ok, get on with it. blah, blah, blah...yada, yada, yada... and anoop dawg is safe and jorge is out.

jasmine and jorge are packing and flying in the morning. game over. and even though i really liked jorge's voice... he's that contestant again that can't pick a song to save his life. that one who will never be able to showcase his voice as well as he did during the audition footage as far as we're concerned. that's the problem. great audition footage leaves high expectations. sad, but true. if you're william hung in your audition and then turn up in the top 13 sounding like j-hud... then people are shocked and amazed and will vote like crazy to keep ya. shock and awe baby. shock and awe.

peace out. (because I am again channeling the one they call randy tonight)

New Rules... change is good...

2009-03-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

So we have learned of the new "twist" this year in the vote off system:

Between now and the top 5, the judges have a one time only opportunity to SAVE a contestant getting voted off. If they feel that a contestant really shouldn't be going they can unanimously agree to keep them! No one goes home that week. The following week 2 will go home instead!

What do you think?

I know what I think... It's about time you morons!!! I have always said that the voters have no sense sometimes and there needs to be some failsafe that allows the judges to have the final say. Thank goodness we're getting closer to that! Don't get all excited though. If you haven't noticed, this show moves ahead a little slowly. Maybe by season 14 it will be more like Dancing with the Stars where the judges have an equal input on the performance as well each week.

Neverland is Still for Sale

2009-03-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Alright. Can I just start off with the comment of the night:

Simon - : "I hate what you're wearing. Give me 5 minutes with Lil and I'll sort you out. "

You go Simon. My sentiments exactly. Sigh...

So Lil Rounds starts off the show... no wait back up a minute... back it on up to the beginning

What was up with that entrance tonight??? Whose brilliant idea was it to have extra creepy announcer dude announce each of the judges as if they were game show contestants? And if that wasn't bad enough, he announced Ryan who then came gliding down this huge staircase as if he were Jesus himself coming straight down from the heavens!?!??! WHAT THE...?!?!? no really, WHAT THE??!??! Just plain weird.

ok, ok, Lil Rounds - sorry, but the pink, one shoulder, ruffled top and her j-lo booty in those white pants was so distracting that I don't think that even in a court of law while under oath with wonder woman's golden truth lasso wrapped around me could I tell you what the heck she even sang now. I could describe every single detail of her outfit and bad pastel makeup. Now that I could tell you wasn't so good and in my opinion neither was the song. So here's the thing, if you have a great performance and no one remembers it - something is not right. If you dress like Beyonce, you better be able to sing like Beyonce. I call that the Voice Outshines Booty Rule.

Scott - piano man is back. Love him at that piano. Perfect crooner voice but what the hell song was that? Was that really a Michael Jackson song?? I don't believe those sacrificial B side songs should count.

Danny - ok my boy Danny can sing whatever the hell he wants. Go on with your bad self boy. But really now Paula, he doesn't move you to tears and all that. Song: PYT. Michael Jackson's version no. Still a good version, yes. And boy has a little more style than you'd expect for a church boy with as white of a white family as that was in that video package tonight. Tell the truth mama - that boy got a little black in him somewhere... you can tell me I won't tell anybody....

Rigger Boy - Although his vocals were good, it was yet another jacko song we have never heard sounding quite like that. That might do him in. These arrangements just stunk up the place I tell you what. If you're a Psycho Miko fan like many of us are it's hard tonight... really hard... to hear these weird arrangements and young kids interpretations of the great gloved one. We lived it. They've only heard about it. You all better recognize.

Jasmine's mom needs a new wig. - Oh shoot, I'm supposed to be talking about Jasmine. Dang. Focus. Ok now FINALLY the best old school Michael song EVER made. I'll be there is legendary for both Michael (and then again for Mariah actually as an incredible remake). And while she was o.k. it's kind of like singing a Mariah tune for me. It's hard to think people are really good when they're singing someone else's very famous hit. You can't touch it.

Kris - hhmm... i am really starting to love this kid's voice. He's all smooth and cool. But it kind of got away from him tonight I think. The guitar was a little weird with this song for me though. Weird combo. But it was ok. Do you remember? Do you remember the time... when we wore a glove? ... Do you remember...

Allison - alright it's scary that this show has been on so freakin long that someone could say "When I was 9 I knew I wanted to audition for American Idol" Nine?!?... sigh... really makes me feel old. But back to her, not me... Another odd song choice. But I just figured it out. These kids are so young that they wouldn't know the best Michael Jackson song to sing. They're just picking from a hat as far as they're concerned. Anywho - i love her. She's got like a girls version of Journey's Steve Perry going on. Love her voice. Cute hair tonight.

Anoop Dawg - this should have been right up his alley. But guess what? He hasn't picked the right song since his audition. Period. He's one of those people that has an amazing voice but somehow manages to screw themselves right out of the competition with stupid song choices! Makes me crazy! But I can't save you now Dawg. I hated this arrangement. Terrible version of a really popular song. And Paula said what I was talking about before with I'll be There - you can't sing a hot song like that and have it be likable. Unless you're really, really good. And he wasn't . He should have chosen Jorge's selection. Would have been much better suited. Cause it sure wasn't right for Jorge... On the flip side, the AI image crew has been working on him and he's more current looking. Won't matter when he's voted off this week.

Jorge - let me down a little bit. He has a great voice and is one of my favorites. But this was not the right song for him. Take it down a notch, too high, weird choice for him and once again the worst arrangement of a song ever. Can I just say again how much I hate these whack arrangements??? He did not sound good singing this at all.

Meagan - Hhhmmm... she picked the perfect song for her if she is ever forced to sing Michael Jackson against her will. I hated her singing it. I just don't happen to think she can sing. And WHAT was she wearing??? Holy cow that was quite possibly the ugliest high school dance looking dress to ever make it off the rack of the old school 5-7-9 shop. Remember those stores? Don't act like I'm the only one! Some of you remember. Anyway, red satin, white lace???, some kinda flower thing at the waist... I don't know anymore... yikes. I think she's getting the boot this week.

Theatre Adam - Really good song choice for that voice. Crazy performer. My favorite nonsensical Randy quote: If you got it, you got it and baby you got it. Favorite nonsensical Paula quote: I'm just mind boggled... HUH??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I love these two. Ok back to Adam - it was good, but now I'm gonna use one of Simon's favorite lines - It's loud in there and I guarantee when you watch this back it won't be as good as you judges think it was. A lot of screaming actually. But it was a hot performance nonetheless as hot rock star performances go. And He is a rock star. But he won't win this competition.

JT - well another good singer who's just intent on dooming himself with sad song choices so I was worried for him tonight cause I know this about him. And thank goodness the smart JT showed up tonight and performed. Good song and he sounded good. Let's face it. This boy has a future whether he wins this or not. (And he won't. Mark my words.) But he'll go far enough to give him the exposure that he needs to break into the biz.

Alexis - well her dad (along with everyone else's tonight apparently - anyone else notice that??)has been a musician for 35 years. So maybe that gives her the sense and edge to pick perfect songs each week? Cause this was the absolute best song in the Michael library for her. However, can we talk about the outfit? Can we just a talk a minute? weird strapless, halter hotpants jumpsuit kind of thing??? What's that about? Who wears that?

Ok. all in all it was actually tough to get thru this marathon 2 hours if you want to know the truth. Maybe it was because I stayed up until 3am last night online trying to decide which new blackberry to upgrade to. (maybe I'll write about that too...) Or... maybe it was because the show was just long and painful after the first hour. Either way, glad that's over. The Michael karaoke night was just about as painful as the Gloria Estefan night years ago, remember that?!? Fantasia, Diana DeGarmo, LaToya London, George Huff, "Red" and let's not forget Jasmine Trias all screaching out the worst versions of Gloria Estefan songs we've ever heard in our lives. To this day that haunts me. yikes. My picks for the golden glove boot off: bad homecoming red dress and either anoop dawg or rigger boy.

I leave you with one final thought. Irritating Judge Kara (IJK) said she hoped Michael Jackson was watching this. Oh yeah, Michael Jackson was watching. He was somewhere looking at a little 15 in screen tv, holding his nose on while getting his massage therapy thinking "When the hell are all the royalty checks gonna start rolling in since all these dumbasses get to sing my 'best of' library??"

Michael, It is what it is. This show will not save the ranch.

Invoking the Whitney rule

2009-03-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

So we don't need to talk about anything that happened last night on the wild card show because it all went down exactly as I thought it would. The good would redeem themselves and because the judges are the only ones voting they would be put through. (and my boy JT (Matt) was BACK and in all his soulful, Justin Timberlake glory!) I figured that the marginal singers would reveal their weaknesses and be let go. And they did and were. There you go. The whole show in a nutshell....

except...

Tatiana

Sigh... Can we talk? I just don't even know what to say. Everything about that girl is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I know none of you were shocked by the big hair, crazy stage makeup, too short overly showy beaded dress, 5 inch high hoochie mama shoes and last but certainly not least all that shrieking and whining and bowing and groveling and on and on and on.... But you know what? That's not what did her in.

The judges were torn because they sincerely thought she had a big voice worth hearing in the competition. That's why they brought her back. As we could see when she took the stage they were legitimately as irritated by her as we were. If you listen carefully as she finishes singing you can even hear that Kara's mic is up and she is saying "oh god, stop that, stop doing that, please just stop that..." referring to all that bowing and whining and crap. And then Simon busts her out in front of us all. Not only have you sung that song before, tonight you sang it for the 3rd time, it was NOT good and now we're invoking the Whitney rule.

Just in case all you wanna be Idols have somehow been living in a bomb shelter for the last 8 seasons of the show let me say for the LAST time: You cannot sing a Whitney Houston song unless you actually are the new clean and sober, albeit now old, but still a little fabulous in her alleged recent "comeback" Miss Houston. That's all. Only 3 or 4 contestants have gotten away with it in 8 seasons. Stop thinking you will be the next one. The judges invoked the Whitney Rule and now the scary Tatiana issue has finally been laid to rest.

Ok how great is the wild card system?!?! LOVE IT! And the fact that they just said, 12? No, we want one more guy... come on Anoop Dawg join the fun... Let's have 13. How great was that?

Ok, so the selections were obvious and it's exactly who should have been voted in.

Can't wait for the fun to start next week!

Out!

Sorry, but these pesky kids keep a mom busy sometimes!

2009-03-04T22:19:00.001-08:00

Whew! A whirlwind last few days getting my kids here and there and going to school interviews and all kinds of mayhem and foolish that comes with the children thing... I mean really now!

That means I didn't even get to watch my Idol from Tuesday until about 1am last night. Believe me, as much as I wanted to leap from my bed and grab my laptop so i could write about what a stellar show it was......well..... ok no i didn't. didn't at all. not stellar. I promptly turned the tv off and went to sleep.

tonight i was off to even more parent stuff and came home late to my tivo and just now got thru the results/wild card revelation show.

Ok... the right people made it thru from this group, except I may have even chosen what's her name - second chance girl - uhmmm... oh shoot what is her name... (see that's how much I care what her name is) over Scott. Loves me some Scott. The boy can sing. No doubt. But reinstatement girl has a hell of a voice ya'll. That girl can sang and she deserves to be in the top 12 also.

Alright is there really any need to go back to last night's show and talk about it or can I just pass this week? well I can summarize:

I mean the two blonde girls - country girl kendall and idol barbie kristen sucked. word of advice kendall: don't admit to people that your mom picked out your outfit. which, by the way, was the most hideous yellow strapless thing i've seen in a while.
Then there are all the rest of those miscellaneous dark haired girls and boys that were all interchangeably bad. Bye.
Von and Ju'Not were excellent, no question... but good enough to survive the cut when there are only potentially 2 male slots to be had??? I wasn't so sure.
Headbands are out Nathaniel. And so are you.
Scott was o.k. he's brilliant when he's behind the piano though.
Jorge -without a doubt, great voice. Loved him the minute I saw his audition in Puerto Rico.
And last but not least, can we talk about Lil Rounds?... really? really?!? can we not be biggie small, p diddy or ice cube, hot flash or lil rounds for just once?!?! - If your name is really just Martha Greene fess up. I mean even The Rock is now just plain ol' Dwayne Johnson and he's doing just fine. And if that is her real name her mama needs her butt whooped for that. Forget the name, this girl isn't even in the same category as these fools. She absolutely sounds like she's 1 signature away from clive davis' "best of" collection of artists. seriously. everyone is actually hoping she doesn't win so they can snatch her up and collect on those dollar signs they see watching her.

Whatever. I'm a busy person this week. Let's get on to the wild card. Tonight we finally learn the much awaited secret format. 8 people brought back to sing tomorrow. Wow, it's that simple?

alright. bring back some good people ya'll. wow me. I'm biting my nails in anticipation.

Ok nope. No I'm not. Lying. For the most part these turn out to be pretty obvious picks. von, ricky, jasmine, megan and then we see Simon with his eyes closed trying to hold back the vomit after randy says tatiana. i know the feeling simon. we were all there with ya holding it back. I wanted to snatch her stupid whining butt off that stage... please just make it stop.

TA TI A NA??!?!?!?!! Admittedly, i'm not surpised. There are ratings at at risk here. But worse than all of that freakin' whining and whimpering crap was that dress she had on. What the... ?!?!? Stop the madness.

alright i gotta let it go. matt, jessie and my boy anoop dawg are selected to round out the wild card group. I got who I wanted. Jorge starts to sing us out. My tivo cuts off and that's it.

You know what? there's obviously a lesson to be learned here people:

It ain't over til the fat lady sings.

and to my Second Chance girl who I guarantee you is right now sitting somewhere thinking "now I KNOW that stupid be-atch did not just make it back onto the show in my spot!!!!".... the moral for you:

don't count your chickens before they hatch.

pretty basic. it is what it is. good night, this mom is tired!

They could do an Idol - Where Are They Now instead of results and make me very happy

2009-02-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

So the one thing I can say is that this would be a really good group on tour... good like the 3 divas year tour. The group number was HOT... (I'm channeling Randy right now). The group number tonight is probably the best part of tonight's show. All I have to say is if they had taken their butts out there and sang that well last night they wouldn't be getting voted off right now.

That's pretty profound huh? OK I think I'm done. That's all I need to say tonight.

ok ... ok, just hoping it's a better show than last week.

First let me just get this off my chest - why are ya'll hating on my boy Danny? I'm reading a lot of haters out there. Everyone has a freakin' sob story if you watch their pieces... he's no different. His wife died just week's before the auditions people! Really, I'm like Meryl Streep in Doubt when it comes to compassion but really now, give the man some love. The wife thing aside... he can outsing most anyone there! Except maybe this little Allison girl. She's singing again and the more I hear her...WOW does that girl have a voice. I am loving her right now. The first girl voted thru.

Which reminds me. My sister and I were talking... and we are SO glad that the winners are the ones that sing now during the vote off. NOT the sad and pitiful losers getting voted off that obviously sucked the night before. I mean show us the reason why America voted you off is what they might as well have said to them.

STOP... Wait just a minute. Let's just stop for another minute cause I'm watching this new judge Kara talk ... and wow, I can't stand her brazen, cockiness about her new job. I think Paula is about to slap her down tonight. Get in one for me Paula. Her little smart alec remarks tonight just ruined it for me. Play it back people - 29 minutes in if you Tivo. Wow, I sure hope she and Paula don't meet in a dark back room somewhere tonight cause we all know Paula can bring the crazy. I won't tell anyone Paula.

Back to the results. So just like I thought Kris made it in on the cute vote. But I'm not mad at ya America. He can sing.

And how awesome was that Idol retrospective!?! See, those early years... that's what I'm talking about. Rubin, Clay, Fantasia, Kelly, THAT'S how you do a competition people. No stupid song choices. Although Fantasia had some really bad fashion choices that never seemed to resolve themselves did they? Remember that? those were the days...hhmm... ok back to the show...

A whole bunch of people who picked bad songs just got dumped off the show and once again we're left with the best singer and the crazy singer for the last vote off. It's all predictable drama. And let me tell you, I was gonna jump off this couch if Norman drag performer Nice beat out Theatre Adam. My sister said Norman was gonna make it... she had a feeling. I was holding my breath. (not really) Look, all ya'll out there who voted for Nick even just once need your heads examined. And you know who you are. Don't do this ridiculous stuff just to be funny. That's how the sanjya's, goat girls and reds end up in the top 10.

Well it's over. All is well. People you did as I thought. Adam, Allison and Kris. Go on with your bad self Theatre Adam. Just go on.

Alright ya'll I'm out. Peace! (still channeling Randy)

Don't go naming your babies Barack and other good advice

2009-02-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

Sooo... the anticipation... expectations were high....

How many of you had a tiny secret panic attack last night when you discovered that Idol wasn't on? I mean, you checked the listings like 7 times, looked at your DVR season pass listings to see where you went wrong... and then you realized that our man Obama was taking the stage last night instead. O.k. totally the only person who gets a pass for preempting Idol. Go on with your bad self Barack.

O.k. so the show tonight: well, not so worth the wait right? May have even been happier with another hour of Obama. I mean better than last week's group of 12, but still what is up with these totally whack song choices people?!? 8 freakin' seasons in and apparently no one has seen the show???? Alright, no point in making this longer belaboring that point. I could go on and on. I could also capitalize properly in this post, but tonight I'm tired, and at times - won't. Just so you know, all you language buffs out there... i know. don't go writing in about how I can't even write properly. Anyway, a lot of people singing so let's get thru this mess from tonight.

Jasmine - She can actually sing. Loved her in hollywood rounds. Super cute girl, super wrong song choice. Remember honey, potentially only 1 girl is in... and it won't be you.

Matt (or JT I like to call him) - look, this guy showed INCREDIBLE talent in the hollywood rounds. Seriously reminds you of an early, unpolished Justin Timberlake with soul, a voice and a boy band look doesn't he? Don't act like I'm the only one! I was waiting for him to bring the JT vibe tonight and was disappointed. Terrible song choice. Simon completely nailed the comment tonight... "you turned from a cool guy at the piano singing Ray Charles into a sort of wanna be pop star". Maybe he'll still make it thru on the JT factor.

Jeanine - Maroon 5????? What the heck is going on here people? Hot pants and all those vocal runs did not help you at all. Sorry. Cute and all... but even Paula could think of nothing to say but great legs. Then Simon said, horrible song, great legs. Then Randy said, the legs are hot, but I was dying over here, what's going on tonight. Then Kara said, pretty girl, nice legs, everything about it was wrong. Then Ryan says what did you do to prepare your legs for tonight?

Wait, is this a vocal competition? I'm so confused? There's no rose ceremony at the end is there? Oh yeah, I'm on the right channel.

well...maybe... cause up next is the freaky Norman Gentle. Or as I like to call him awesome drag performer who forgot his wig at home and had to go on anyway. I mean seriously I have seen some incredible drag performances in my time people. And you sir would be really, really good at it. No joke. I will hook you up with some gowns dude cause I can sew like there is no tomorrow. Used to work in a costume shop. The sad part about this guy is that he actually does have a voice and if he could sing a song without turning into Patti Lupone as Mama in Gypsy he would have had a few more weeks in this competition. Dude, call me. I will hook you up.

Is this a vocal competition? I'm still confused... After one of my favorite talking babies from E-trade commercials I'm back and still confused... until this next girl starts singing.

Allison - the one girl who should make it in this round. Ok those of you who are a little young and don't understand the great powerballad she sang by Heart... (hello!!! that's what they called them back in 1987!) well this girl powered that song out. She is so the dark horse as the judges say in her video piece. Don't even mind the flaming hair, wild get up and all. She's 16 and it's still cute on her. Now put that on a 50 year old (ala cyndi lauper) and not so cute anymore. she's maybe a little out there and wacky when she's not singing and I hope that doesn't hurt her votes. Stick with the talent people!

Kris - well, well, well... when he said he was singing Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror I actually threw up in my mouth a little. I was all WHO DOES THAT 8 YEARS INTO THE SHOW!!!??? No Michael!! But then he got to the middle and finished strong. It was a little unfunky (translation: no soul) for me but he held his own vocally. Kinda like a wedding singer version of michael jackson actually. I had high hopes for him, but he's out. Unless the girls go for the cute.

Megan - Nope. Look, the judges are all about hip, cool, different. Just not for me. Super cute girl making some sad fashion choices (put your shoes on - you're on tv!). Irritating voice.

Ok. Welder Matt - really does have an amazing voice. American Idol? No. Don't quit your day job just yet honey. Another bad song choice - sounded fine, but nothing special to it. Not sure what the voters will make of him... can't get a good reading on him.

Jesse - Bette Davis Eyes????? Why people? Why? Look, these people can all sing, but somehow here they are with their big break on t.v. and they all manage to choose these whack songs??? I'm so confused. You're finally on tv girl!! TV has finally found you!!! Here are your 5 minutes of fame... sigh... it's not working... they can't hear me.

Kai - great hair. If I let me son's hair grow out it would probably be just like that. Uhhmm, hence the reason for those clippers I invested in years ago. Ok sorry, got distracted - like me, you can stop at the hair cause there's not much else to love about this guy tonight. Shave, look like you bathed and washed your clothes before going on t.v.... like I said above... Here are your 5 mins of fame and you choose that song and look???

... they still can't hear me can they? I give up. Seriously...

Misha - now here's the thing: this girl has a REALLY good voice. WHACK, whack song choice for her and I should make this quite clear to everyone trying out for season 9 - you will NOT go far if you have already given this show a go and gotten dissed by the judges or the voters. Statistically improbable that you will end up the Idol on your second try. Anyway... she may make it through this round but not too much further.

Adam - NOW... some of you will undoubtedly think I'm all kinds of kookie in the brain, but this guy is just about the best male I've heard sing anywhere lately in a pop/rock arena. Paula is right when she says he's like watching a concert you paid to see, not an amateur competition. His voice and range incredible, he looks good, trendy, looks great on stage, I could go on and on but he's a record company's dream!! Hard to say what the voters will do with him. Mainly because many people won't understand just how incredible his voice has to be to sing that way.

All said and done, Adam and Allison. 3rd to sneak in could be Matt, Misha and Norman Gentle. Just kidding... Kris may get the cute votes and survive this cut.

I'm out and we'll see what happens tomorrow.

it is what it is.

zzzzzzzzzz.... oops I'm awake...

2009-02-18T21:47:00.000-08:00

I don't know ya'll. I'm starting to watch this results show and I think the people are starting off with some whack voting already. Sigh... I need a moment.

sigh.....
sigh.....

I actually hate posting on results night cause I feel like I'm spoiling it for those who are on the work a day job, TIVO favorites shows but don't get to watch them for hours or days plan in life.

OK no really...too bad for those people. I have stuff to say. Mainly - Oil rigger dude over Anoop Dawg? Nothing against oil rigger dude cause he actually has a voice ... but it ain't better than Anoop's voice people! What was I saying last night about that wild card slot? Anoop picked a song that sucked and Ricky was too far under the radar. Both of them need the wildcard round.

I guess Alexis was the best of the crappy girls if people had to choose. It's all a number's game huh...

oops just fell asleep for a little while during the show... a few more unimportant people got voted off and some old nobodys from the AI graveyard just sang. I have to rewind a bit cause I seriously slept thru this whole segment.

Back to the part of the show that matters. So of course, Danny and Tatiana are the final two left standing with one spot left. And thank the tv gods that Tatiana didn't make it cause my head would have exploded. Done. That would have been it for me. Tatiana over Danny?!?!? I just threw up a little in my mouth saying that.

O.k. that's all. Boring show - but Danny made it and America I'm proud of you for gettting rid of the Crazy. That's all that matters. I feel better than I did at the beginning of the show about the voting. All is right with the world. I can sleep in peace. Oh wait, can I just say that I love how Paula is going a little more hard core this season and keeping it real! Have her meds finally been tweaked to the point where she appears to be normal? Hhmm. She certainly looks better this year.

Oh well, once again... it is what it is. nothing else to say.

My Bad

2009-02-18T21:24:00.000-08:00

OK soooo apparently I totally missed the whole I used to be Annie but got fired, tried to cut some record deals that fell thru, MTV reality show chick getting ousted from AI8. Dissed and disqualified.

Joanna Pacitti made it into the top 36. But AI has since issued a statement saying that she was removed from the competition because she was ineligible to continue. We've seen this all before people... her spot wasn't cold... she was replaced with another girl. No big deal and no shame for AI. Every season it happens with at least one. I mean really now... you'd think that 8 seasons in, this ratings monster of a show staff would have some half way decent method of checking these people out. But apparently that isn't in the budget.

Ok, well all I can say is watch out AI. I hope she doesn't pull out those PR people and lawyers from when she was 12. Apparently they were pretty good.

Ohhhh.... it's too good to be wasted

2009-02-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

So after 3 long years of silence on the great virtues of how to win and how to keep from getting voted off, what not to wear and who not to bring to the show representing you.... I'm back.

Why? Well somehow this season has got me sucked in already. How? Well if you don't like this year's contestants... well, somethings wrong with ya'. SOMETHING WRONG WITH 'YA.

I mean who could resist the all too fabulous church boy Danny? And who the hell let that crazy ass Tatiana stay on the show? OK. here's what happened: the producers sat in a 3 hour meeting discussing how all they had this year was talent. No drama, just talent. No 3 divas who would eventually grow to rock star diva levels and one by one be picked off until the end. No cool rocker dudes who just might up-end this very cool pop star, pop singing competition. No baby mama drama, late night arrests, I am the better singing brother of the dude from last year drama (they already got rid of him.) Nothing. What could they possibly do this year to keep the drama alive and well? Tatiana. Really now. When a judge (Simon) has to start a conversation with "try not to be so annoying for a minute" you need to step back and look at your crazy behind.

Crazy indeed. Crazy like a fox. Did you see that girl tonight?!?! For those of you who missed it somehow... you can recreate it by playing Tatiana back from last week only let her take 7 muscle relaxants first. Seriously. She was like Tracy Morgan at the dinner table with Obama she was so calm and mild mannered. (Can you picture it? Can't stop laughing...)

Anywho. Enough useless banter. I'm back and here's what I think in a nutshell about the way they're going to whittle the top 36 down to the the top 12:

Wrong. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong people. How do you get a group of talent like that together and then say "Psych! Only 3 of you are gonna be here after tomorrow night when America gets rid of the rest of your butts." What happened to the days where this phase of the competition took oh... 3 or 4 months to get through??? Now in only 3 weeks we'll be to the Wild Card Round already! But wait, who is as excited as I am about the wild card coming back?!?! I LOVE this move. LOVE it.

Tonight's show was a long boring 2 hours. So boring that I can recap the whole thing by saying this:

Those of you who picked those crazy hideous songs to sing - and you know who you are (casey, michael, ann marie ((to whom i have to give a shout out to because she's a friend of a friend - hey girl keep your dream alive!)), stephen, jackie, stevie) you all got your wishes... to see your family and friends again. Uh huh, tomorrow. Cause you're all going home.

Now to the middle of the road (but still gonna find their butts on a plane) - alexis and one other person that I can't even remember - that's how mediocre...

And the only ones who showed us their talent - Danny, Ricky and Anoop Dawg. Look, can i just stop for a minute to say that I'm so disgusted that potentially only ONE guy is gonna go on because there weren't any girls that deserve that spot. And that's the hard truth. Ricky - he was a sleeper...never saw him coming... but I'm staying loyal to my boy Danny. My WWJD Danny. LOVES me some Danny... wish his friend would have made it with him cause that would have been a good story. And how fabulous is this R&B boy with a name like Anoop?! WHA?! Go on with your bad self. Sadly... Anoop did not pick a great song to showcase the goods but with a voice like that does not deserve to be in my first category. My guess is he will be a wildcard pick.

You'll notice... Tatiana is not in any of the categories. That's because she deserves her own. The "Oh Lord, Jesus, Save me now, cause I'm about to snatch her off the stage" category. People... do not let crazy fool ya. Crazy is as crazy does Forrest Gump says. (maybe that's not exactly what he says but close enough). Oh, she worked really hard to reel in the crazy tonight... I'll give her that. But folks... two words: SHE CRAZY.

Crazy and she'll get voted thru. Why? Cause the voters are crazy too. Maybe since Obama won we will see a shift to the more conscientious voters... maybe. Just remember people - yes we can.... vote off the crazy!

Peace out ya'll and remember...

It is what it is.

Wild Card

2006-02-25T22:21:00.000-08:00

I wholeheartedly agree with those of you out there thinking that getting rid of the wild card feature was one of AI's biggest mistakes.

I do like the way the judges massacre the heck out of the Hollywood bound by putting them on the chopping block so quickly (and often) once they arrive in Hollywood. It's a good way to come up with this semi-final group. But then once we vote this group down, I think the judges should bring a wild-card choice in to stir things up. Perhaps it could be anyone from the Hollywood group and later. AND they could actually replace someone who shouldn't have made it that far with their wild card choice. I think they should be able to dismiss someone and replace them with their wild card choice. Yes! That's it. That would do it for me. What a moment that would be. Everyone is back on the chopping block in that one moment.

O.k. doing it that way would make up for stupid voting - people voted off too early (Patrick) or people getting through who have overstayed their welcome - think back to goat girl, red-haired crooner & marine boy. It could also give the judges a chance for a "do over" if they were on the bubble about someone who maybe should have gotten a shot in the first place.

The argument of course with the wild card performer is that this person is dropped back into the competition all fresh and ready to go without having suffered through all the stress and strain that the others have just endured for weeks. Whatever. There's nothing equal and fair about the whole thing if I'm keeping it real for you folks. People can vote for anyone for any reason in any quantity they desire on any given week. There's no guarantee that anyone is getting through based on their actual talent anyway so why worry about it? Give us a wild card pick. Come on FOX .... do it... I triple dog dare you.

Hey, but that's just me. And what do I know.

Anyway.... I'm sure you've guessed that this all to say that I don't think Patrick should have been voted off yet. There were clearly worse performances. But you know, what did I say about him after the performance show? That he was forgettable. That I didn't even remember his performance either by the time we were dialing 1-866-vote a friend - and I loved this guy's voice. What did I remember on the other hand? His super freaky friends in the audience! That's what we were talking about instead of his voice...

Lesson learned I hope. Never take friends to the show that may upstage you. I'd have mistakenly voted for them if they had a number flashed under their faces... that's how much more memorable they were.

I'm out.

Oh the pain of it all...

2006-02-23T16:52:00.000-08:00

What the heck?!?!

WHAT THE.......

(((sigh))) I'm here. And you know, I started watching this season and was sooooo uninspired. I was thinking maybe this is it. You know, like when Survivor got to like island #56 or something... just not all that interesting anymore.

But then they flew their butts to Hollywood and started singing to me. Calling me back. And when Taylor Hicks strolled his Ray Charles behind down the middle of that judging room blowing some heat on that harmonica.... ya'll I knew I'd lost my mind. It was over. I was back.

So Shonda talked about the girls. And I'm with ya'... Now the boys last night... that's all a TiVo fast forward moment except for 3 people. I mean is there no advice for these boys on their song choices? That was just painful in some cases. Truly painful.

Sway... I LOVES ME SO SWAY... but honey absolutely a brutal song choice. Now get this. I liked it after I played it back a few times. But I didn't love it. And it made my ears bleed the first time I watched it. I knew Simon was gonna massacre him cause he HATES that whole falsetto thing like he hates wearing white shirts. But I think he has the lady appeal which is what drew me in after playing it back a few times. You CAN hear pretty Shonda. I think you can. (or I did anyway last night!)

Patrick - once again I love this guy's voice but the song choice was horrible. Sad really. Hopefully he won't be forgotten. I had forgotten him by the end of the show myself sadly. Not until I saw the playbacks did I go "Oh... I should remember to vote for him."

Taylor - another bad song choice for an amazing voice. Please stick to your old bluesy, r&b, old southern stuff and leave that song alone.

Ace - oh he's good. Yummyliscous and a good singer. This boy can sing his butt off and unlike the others, he selected a perfect song. PERFECT for his voice and vibe and all that was yummyliscious about George Michael was oozing out of this kid too. BUT I was feeling a little like vomiting when he channeled Constantine at the end. I HATED that Constantine thing. If you're listening honey I have some advice: For the love of God Ace drop that crap now!

HHhhmmm... my rocker dude Chris. I loved that number. First of all I love that song. Yep, I love a little rock just like the next girl out there. And I love this boy for some reason. Rough and rocker, but not all Joe Cocker kinds of weird like Bo was. (Oh don't all act like it's just me who felt that way about Bo. Ya'll know you thought that too.) Clean cut, rocker. Doesn't get any better - in a rocker sort of world.

And the best of the show in my opinion: Elliott. The best male voice no question. Crazy soulful white boy with a last name like Yamin? HUH?!?! Go on with your bad self! But let me say this... he does not have what Ace and Sway have... the looker thing. Spend some of your first recording contract dollars on some dental work baby. It's o.k..... I'm still voting for you all the way.

Best 2 moment of the show: For all you TiVoers... go back and watch Patrick's performance. Just the end and through the judging when they show "Patrick's Friends" caption under 2 of THE scariest, freakiest people who look every bit of 55 years old cheering him on in the audience I've ever seen in my life. I played that back over and over again. My remote is worn out. It's a better audience moment than Fantasia's pimp looking, gold lame shirt, fedora wearing daddy ever was. SCARY. I'm not so sure the woman isn't a drag queen... and that's o.k. if she is... but I'm sorry, don't go to support your friend getting his big break on AI in bad drag. That's just a tip. (And don't go writing me about how I'm a drag queen hater... cause I sooooo am not. But I do give sound advice about social situations and t.v. camera moments - drag queen or not. Get your hair and makeup done professionally or something is all I'm saying!) O.k. I couldn't help it. I just ran back to my t.v. and watched it again. Oh stop! Just stop the madness. I can't stop laughing.

O.k. the 2nd great moment was when Simon told that freaky Gedeon character that his smile was scary, creepy or whatever it was it was just flat out howling F-U-N-N-Y.

Alright. That's my take on things right now for the guys. Results are coming on.

I'm out.

Okay, okay, OKAY already...

2006-02-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

So I had no intention of blogging.

Not this season.

I mean, I had the intention but things got busy and life got busy and besides, those damn audition shows GET ON MY NERVES what with all the sad crazy folk out there who think they can sing and then get on TV and get made fools of. It makes me sad, those people with their delusions. Because, hey, I like to sing as much as the next person -- in the shower. But even I can hear how bad I sound. And if I couldn't hear it, at least my family loves me enough to not let me go on believing I'm Whitney when I am clearly not. But these people...clearly, they have no one who loves them. Because there they are on the TV screen, howling like cats and acting all shocked when Simon yells at them.

Which is a long way of saying, I had decided that my love affair with AI was over.

AI and I were getting a divorce.

But I couldn't stop sneaking a peek at the Tivo every once in a while to see what was going down. And so it happened.

What always freaking happens.

THIS STUPID SHOW HOOKED ME AGAIN!!!

Tonight was...well, the word for the night is "adorable." Yep, adorable. Why? Three names -- Lisa, Paris and Katherine. Could there be three girls on the planet more made for this competition?

I. Don't. Think. So.

Two of them are barely out of diapers at 16 and one is barely legal at 21. And they sing so good. They sing so good that they make up for last season. Remember the Diva Season? With the three divas who could SANG? Remember Fantasia? Remember the good old days?

These girls were better than the good old days. Mainly because they were so adorable that I wanted to wrap them up like presents and take them home. Plus, they had talent.

Thank the Gods for talent.

Now, y'all know there were some bad performances tonight too. What was up with the chick who thought she was a rocker? Why was she there? Was she there because Randy and Simon thought she was hot? Because pretty don't reach the ears, people. Becky needs to go be on America's Next Top Model and leave us alone. That's my career advice for the night.

I am more excited for the men tomorrow. Y'all, I'm in love with the gray haired boy. IN LOVE. Taylor Hicks is my new pretend husband. He's so Ray Charles meets crazy country boy. I adore him. ADORE. LOVE. ADORE.

Okay, let me calm myself.

I also have a crazy country boy thang for Bucky Covington. How can you not love that boy? He's all "y'all" and "ev'body" and "yessir". Then he opens his mouth and becomes better than every country star I've ever seen. He rocks. He rolls. He makes me forget I hate country music.

Okay. I'm hooked again. The divorce is off.

AI + Shonda 4ever TLA.

What did y'all think?

We ain't in hiding...

2006-01-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

....no, we are here.

And boy have we missed y'all. Dancing with the Stars, Skating with Celebs, Survivor, The Biggest Loser...all of it was a prelude to the real thing coming on back. AI 2006!

Now, I must admit that my pet peeve is blogging about the auditions. I hate them as they don't show us enough good singing. They don't bring the talent. They bring the humiliations.

But I have already picked my winner. A little girl named Paris. Did you see her? She's so freaking cute and SOOOO freaking talented!

I can not WAIT until they all get to LA and we can see who has the goods and who does not. That's when the blogging will begin with a frenzy....

To Quote Fantasia: "Finally, I Believe..."

2005-05-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

After a season so boring that i couldn't even be bothered to post most nights...

After a Tuesday night finale so dull that I hit pause and went to bed because I didn't care if I missed it live...

After a year of heart ache and anger and rants and raves about WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY FAVORITE SHOW...

...the finale was spectacular.

Yes, y'all. I'm a believer once again. Never thought it would happen. But I'm in. I'm back. I could not stay away after that.

Look. Carrie was good. Bo was good. Whoever won, it was all good. But I felt no passion. Had no favorites. Frankly, did not give a crap who won. Whatever. But tonight...

...tonight...

...tonight, after about an hour and thirty-two minutes of some of the lamest time-filling skits and montages and bad Ryan Seacrest banter I've ever seen (and I've seen a'plenty)...

...tonight...

...they gave us a series of musical numbers so good that I rewound to watch not one, not two, not three, but FOUR times in a row.

Babyface?

Vonzell on a piano?

GEORGE BENSON?

Lynnrd Freakin' Skynnrd?

Did you SEE that?

It was good. It was GREAT. It was FLAWLESS in its TV-perfection. It was pure Idol.

(I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to Jessica's belly bulge hanging over her pants -- the one dark spot in the evening. Y'all know I have nothing against a girl with meat on her bones. As long as that meat ain't served up in my face.)

But back to the beauty. That musical medley ALMOST made up for an entire top 12 season of some of the worst and dullest performances I've ever witnessed. It ALMOST made up for the fact that there were no makeovers this year. It ALMOST covered up my pain at the lack of "Real World"-style footage of our contestants living in a giant but blandly decorated mansion in the hills.

ALMOST.

Not quite.

ALMOST.

You know what FULLY made up for all of AI's crimes in 2005?

Carrie.

Yep. I said it.

Carrie.

JonBenet Barbie herself.

In about five seconds -- the time it took Ryan to rip open that envelope and announce the winner --- she went from freaky boring singing automaton back to that cute milkmaid from Oklahoma who sang to her cows. She went from icky to sweet. I hate Carrie. Y'all know I do. But in the end, Carrie did the thing.

She did what every Idol winner in the history of AI does.

She got the magic.

They called her name. Her face lit up. She cried. And she turned into the American Dream.

It's corny. It's so downright cheese-y that it makes me want to hurl. It's lame. It's naive. It's stupid. It's a corny, cheese-y, lame, naive, stupid modern day Miss America pageant complete with confetti and a closing song.

And I love every minute of it. Every year. Every time.

Damn that Idol show for making me cry.

That's the genuis of Idol. It's why the show works. No matter how cynical you are feeling going into the final night, by the end, you are wiping away tears, swaying to the freakin' music and thinking to yourself, "God, I love this show."

I hope that next year, I am more glass half full about the show. I hope they bring back the makeovers. I hope they have contestants I can get behind with a crazed passion. I hope Idol 2006 is the season of my dreams.

But even if it isn't, I will get suckered into watching. Because I love that last five minutes. Because I am a fool in love for the confetti and the tears and the song. Because Idol is always Idol no matter how much they try to mess it up.

And until next season...

...is it just me or can you NOT WAIT to watch the dueling Dance Competition shows on Fox and ABC?

Dancing. To votes. It's like...Dirty Dancing with Baby out of the corner. It's Footloose without the barns. It's EVERY SINGLE MADONNA VIDEO EVER MADE.

Joy.

Oh, happy joy.

This is Shonda, reporting alive once again from my sofa.

The Bo Bice World Tour

2005-05-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

I was actually excited. I got up a little excitement for the big final 3 showdown. I like all 3 of these contestants and this year.... they can all sing their butts off. So maybe that's what makes it all so .... so.... so.....

I don't know.

But something is different this year about it because it doesn't seem so important to choose one over the other. Hhhmmm...

Moving on. I want to give a big shout out to my boy George Huff in the house last night. And I was so glad they gave Clive a seat at the table to be a real judge... til he opened his mouth and sounded like he was 150 years old yearning for the younger years. Oh sorry. That just slipped out. On with the show.

Bo = winner. I'm not voting for him. But he is a hot, very talented performer who is a ROCK STAR. ROCK..... and ROLL.... you go boy! Right before Randy said it, I said to myself "Is this American Idol or Bo's world tour pay per view?!?" He was performing like it was his private concert and Stepford Wife and Baby V (that V stands for VENEERS - the whitest teeth I've ever seen) were his opening and intermission acts. But those girls held their own I'll tell you that. Everybody came to play. A quick run down:

Bo - Clive's choice: Don't Let the Sun... I thought to myself as they said the title ELTON JOHN?!?! WHA!?! But then he sang that song ya'll. SANG in his shades giving himself some funk and world tour hotness and all. Bo's choice: I dont' know what that was. BUT I am not in agreement with half the world who believes this was the single greatest performance they've seen on Idol. It takes alot to impress me... and that wasn't it. Acappella stunts do not impress. But it had all the WOW factor it needed to get him the votes. And that was his point ya'll. Judges choice: I can't get no satisfaction. O.k. Bo and the Stones?!! DUH! Bo & the Stones is like checking Paula's purse for pain killers - you know the outcome. But guess what? Once again it wasn't all super star for me. I mean it was good. But I was sooo with Simon on this one. Not THAT good boy. Still I felt he had a great night. Sounded good, looked all kinds of hot rock star and that's probably where the votes are coming from. But I just have one thing to say, it's American Idol Bo... you ain't on pay per view yet boy.

Vonzell - Clive's choice: Never Love This Way Again. And may you never sing that pitchy again. Oh V I was sad for you. It was good... but those of us who really know.... knew it was pitchy here and there. You looked good though. A little beauty pageanty and all, but still very pretty dress. Next choice: Chain of Fools was HOT, HOT, HOT. That girl sang the heck out of that song. This performance got the replay award in my house last night. I must have Tivo'd that back at least 10 times before watching the rest of the show. And she looked good in those jeans and sweater (Vonzell, email me and tell me where you got the sweater girl). Final song: On the Radio. FINALLY!! How the heck did we get all the way to season 4 without hearing my beloved queen of disco Donna Summer?!?! Every time they did Disco night I wrote about not hearing any Donna Summer. Go Vonzell. But.... V.... honey..... take that pink sequin tube top and those horrible black cropped pants I hate back to the store. If we can get past the tube top Vonzell actually had a very hot night. But she seems to be going unnoticed next to Bo and Carrie.

Carrie - Clive's Choice: Cryin'. HUH?!?! Clive what? Did anyone else wonder what that was about? But she sang it with all kinds of greatness. Her voice is incredible. Hard to believe this girl is hanging out milking cows with her dad with an undiscovered voice like that. Carrie's choice: AIR SUPPLY. AAHHHHH kill me know I thought. I chocked on my drink when Ryan said it. I swear. But guess what? Once again... she powered it out and pulled it off. And thank goodness she got the memo and stayed away from the 80's hair or those Stepford dresses last night. Whew. Judges choice: Man I feel like a woman. Once again.... DUH!! And just like when I thought Bo's was a DUH moment.... it wasn't. I wasn't all that impressed. Bad arrangement. Poor performance. But she did alright vocally. Just alright. I'm just a little surprised that she couldn't pull off a better pure country pop performance with a perfect Shania song.

O.k. so to sum it up. All 3 had some HOT and some just O.k. moments. Noone blew it and sucked the big one. And all 3 are very talented. This is a tough one. My gut tells me Bo is a shoo-in. And Vonzell's gone unnoticed and will be flying home next to her daddy in a bad pimp suit.

well the results are on and I'm out!

A guest judge... maybe?!?!

2005-05-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Note to AI Producers: Please let Clive sit at the big kids table Tuesday night.

Would you just give us a little excitement? HUH?!?

Tuesday night, Clive Davis is scheduled to appear on the Idol to add his knowledgable 2 cents about the final 3. Clive is like the Pope of pop for those of you that don't know who I'm talking about. A press release states he's scheduled to appear, but there's no word on what the format will be or if he'll just be speaking on that crazy big screen instead of speaking live from say A CHAIR AT THE TABLE (hint, hint..... producers!). And dont write me Catholics... I'm down with the Pope and all, I'm just saying... he's big and all... you know....

Anyway, we may get a little boost.

See, everyone talked about how they hated the guest judges and all in previous seasons... well look what all your whining brought you this year people. No press and curls from the 80's disco star has beens. No great celebrity opinions while the contestants slave away at their side at the piano somewhere. No double Paula like don't want to hurt anyone's feelings comments from the artists that didn't want to burn their slim to none chance at a comeback. No nothing.

.....aaaahhhhh... those were the days. Can we get a little Clive in the house Tuesday night?

Can we just get a little bit of guest judge?

I'm out.

Thank goodness that's over...

2005-05-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm talking about the pain that was Anthony Federov.

Thank goodness that's over.

WOW.

I was getting worried. I was beginning to think the whole world was on crack (except for me, Shonda and the guy who delivers my Fed Ex at work... dreamy looking and anyone that on time and reliable cannot be on crack... ANYWAY)....

But now you have voted him off and all is well. So the final 3 will duel it out next week.

Vonzell will belt something else out while wearing an o.k. dress and heels that are obviously WAY too high for her to walk well in let alone shake her very bootyliscous booty. And her dad and brothers will be there in all their pimp looking glory.

Bo will wear another cool I'm too sexy for this show hip shirt, contrasted with the starkly center parted I'm sooooooo stuck on the 80's and all that crack I smoked hair and sing another great rendition of something we all know. And Randy will say he worked it out.

Carrie will be shown milking another cow before putting on another great Martina McBride performance in a Stepford Wives dress that Paula will randomly claim she looks beautiful in.

And we'll all say....

SO FREAKIN' WHAT.

I'm sorry. It just slipped out. I'm trying to pretend I'm excited this year... but there's something wrong with this show this time. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I mean, where's the glitz and surprise of the stylist transformations and makeover mistakes we all looked forward to when the top 10 were crowned? Where are the shots of them by the pool in their finalist mansion? What happened to the sponsorship from Old Navy or Gap or whoever the heck it was that had them all matchy poo-poo in those group numbers every week that we made so much fun of? This year they're in what looks like some cheap apartments somewhere and have been left to their own curling irons, shopping trips to Wal-Mart to pick out outfits and Bonne Bell makeup. WHAT HAPPENED? We got nothing ya'll.

This year we got Ghetto Idol ya'll. No budget, no glitz, no glamour. No nothing. Just a bunch of kids singing and whining when they get kicked out the door.

sigh...... deep breath...

O.k. I got it all out.

So what were we talking about?

Oh yeah... the final 3.

I would like to see Vonzell the quiet, unassuming US Postal Worker with the whitest teeth I've ever seen win. It makes a nice story. But all 3 are good and it would be interesting to see what the heck they'd do with a country star on their oh so pop label.... so go on Carrie with your bad self. But alas... in the end it will probably be Bo standing in all the confetti singing some creepy song written for him by someone they dig up from the grave to surpise us. Bo with a choir behind him?!?! I think not. But stranger things have happened on Idol....

I'm out.

Seriously?

2005-05-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY?

Did you WATCH that spectacle last night?

Trach Boy survives -- which is a freaking crime against humanity -- but whatever. I don't care. No one does. Because over on the other network there was SHOCK and AWE happening. There were required gasps of amazement.

Here's the thing. Trach Boy lives, Down's Boy goes. WHO CARES? This season, Idol is so dull it makes my head hurt. And the Primetime Live special only highlighted that.

Because it made me remember how good the show used to be.

Even with all the scandal. And y'all, there was scandal. They had voice mails from Paula, phone records, witnesses, a bottle of pills prescribed to Paula given to Corey, Hadas aka Sandra Bullock look-a-like expressing her outrage...it was UG-LY.

Two words.

UG. LEE.

But here is how you know I'm a hard core fan. Because the whole time I'm watching this thing, loving me some scandal, loving me some Corey, loving me some Corey's upcoming album (which he took every opportunity to promote as did Primetime)....the WHOLE TIME, I'm thinking about poor Paula.

Poor Paula sitting at home watching this. Horrified. Mortified. And kicking herself. Poor Paula who pulled herself up from Laker Girl to Jackson choreographer to pop star then went down to has-been then PULLED HERSELF UP AGAIN to AI's Cheeriest Judge...Poor Paula was chasing after a contestant like some kind of fool? That's sad, y'all. It is. She's not a crazy lady working at a strip club. She's PAULA. PAU-LA. All I can think is that she must be sad. Really sad. Poor Paula has to be a very lonely, unhappy woman to take up with a baby boy contestant in the first place. Poor Paula whose life is now a train wreck.

She's the Bill Clinton of the AI Nation. Corey's all Monica and Paula's all "did not have sexual relations with that woman" and we're all all "WHA....? Oh NO she didn't!" and the media is having a field day.

It's Clinton all over again. Only, you know...trashy and stupid and not at all relevant to the future of us as a people. But still...I kept waiting for Corey to whip out a stained blue dress and start crying.

All I can do is shake my head.

What did you guys think?

There's a result show tonight...

2005-05-04T17:57:00.000-07:00

...but WHO FREAKING CARES?!!!

Wave your hands in the air if you're gonna be glued to the Primetime Live expose on American Idol tonight!

Look at all those hands.

Face it: we are Idol-maniacs, yes. We love the Idol. We worship us some Idol. But how can we ignore a whole hour devoted to exposing our beloved Idol's seedy side? It's like we get to see the secrets Idol has been keeping. The back fat, if you will. Yes, I said back fat. That flabby chunk of lard that hangs over the back of your jeans but gets covered by your t-shirt. Well, the Idol t-shirt is off and the back fat is on display!

How excited am I?

Can I get a "whoo-hoo!" Can I get a "wha...wha!!" Now shake it, shake it, shake it like a Poloroid picture...

Okay. Let me get my act together and stop acting like a fool on this blog. It's just that I'm so very excited. And loving the idea that one network has been secretly working on a story about another network. It's beautiful television.

It's why television was created, people.

Clearly, I'll be blogging after the West Coast airing of "Fallen Idol". As for the actual Idol show...look, Fedorov must go. That's all I'm saying. If he's still around after tonight, I don't know if I can survive another week of him singing.

Gotta go.

It's sweeps week ...

2005-04-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

So if you haven't heard by now let's talk about it.

This week's ABC Primetime is scheduled to be some big 'ol American Idol expose special. They're dishin' all the dirt on relationships between the judges and contestants (Paula). And reportedly we'll hear a rehashing of all the corrupt American Convict Idols that have made the show - the cocaine snorting Bo, shoplifting Trenyce, sister beating Corey, domestic violence Scott, pornography working Frenchie. You know, some of our favorite contestants from over the seasons.

Dissing the Idol?!? WHA...?!?! In the name of all that is sane and holy with AI you try to bring the evil?!?

Whatever.

Personally, I can't wait! I can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! We just like to see some gossip don't we? And we can put to rest all those nagging questions - that we ALL KNOW the answers to already but choose to ignore cause AI is such good entertainment. Come on. Whose going to be shocked by anything here. It's FOX people! FOX.

F - O - X in case anyone forgot. The same FOX that airs things like midget bachelors. Yeah. O.k. Some of you watched that show too didn't you? I know you did. It's o.k.

While it's being reported that FOX is standing ready to sue the pants off ABC if that expose airs, I'm not all that sure this isn't just standard legal crapperoony. Really people.... in an age when scandal means more viewers, not less, I think FOX would be secretly laughing and saying bring it on. Pump up our ratings even more.... oh wait we're already running 2 and 3 every single week whooping your nielsen butts. But there is talk of the possibility that FOX will dump it's 9pm programming to move Idol into the time slot so that it airs up against the Primetime Live special so there is a little concern there. But why?

There is the possibility that the Paula mess may be some sort of FCC violation which will put the show in trouble. It will be the game show scandal of this era. FOX is reported to be "quietly investigating" the FCC matter themselves at the moment. This may be the thorn in their sides in this whole ordeal. They aren't afraid of the negative publicity. But if the show prompts an FCC investigation... now that's a whole nother mess. Cause what would we do without American Idol people?!?! Can you even imagine!?! Idol cut, gone, over... what will we talk about half the year?

I'm out.

guess what ya'll?

2005-04-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Shonda called me just as I was finishing up the Idol results show. I told her the show would be "SHOCKING, SHOCKING, SHOCKING!!!" And based on your reactions below... I was right. Boohoohoo all you Constantine lovers. Get it all out now cause this week was the last time we'll see him whining and grinning and posing and faking his way around the Idol stage.

But guess what?

I'm not crying.

GOOD RIDDANCE YOU FAKER!

That whole thing was one big "look at me everybody I'm a cute heart throb trying to get into show biz, please love me and put me in a movie" campaign. And now it's over. OVER!!!!!!!!!!

....alright ... after a couple of deep breaths..... I'm o.k.

Ya'll should be ashamed of yourselves. You know that boy cannot sing. Now that he's gone you can get rid of the next creepy crawler from the stage - Trach Boy.

I'm out.

Huh?

2005-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

No, seriously.

Huh?

NO.

SERIOUSLY.

HUH?

Did I have a seizure and pass out? Spontaneously hallucinate? Go blind and deaf at exactly the same moment and thus, am incorrect in thinking I just saw and heard what I just saw and heard?

WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?!!!!!!!

Why is Trach Boy still on my show? Why is Down's Boy still on my show? Why in the name of all that is good and cute and vocally in tune are these people still around?

And they voted off Constantine?

I mean, yeah, he can't sing or whatever. But he's pretty. And he has great hair. And he's pretty. And fun. And so so pretty. Precious and pretty. Pretty Connie...

Ahem.

But they voted him off the show? Over Trach Boy? And VONZELL was in the bottom three? VONZELL got less votes that Scott?

All Barbie JonBenet could do was shake her head. She knew it wasn't right. She knew it was whack. And Simon had a big old smile on his face. Because his two favorites are Bo and Barbie. Ten bucks says he was up all night hitting the redial button on Barbie.

VONZELL got less votes that Scott?

Maybe it was a seizure. Maybe I fell and cracked my head and had a seizure and none of this is actually happening...

Seriously...

2005-04-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

...is anyone shocked that Anwar is gone?

Not me. The only thing shocking about it is that both Scott and Trach Boy are still around ahead of him. I did a little dance when I saw the bottom three. A dance. Sure that either Scott or Trach Boy would be out of our collective AI-loving hair this week.

...sigh...

There's always next week.

Ooh, and what was up with that LAME SAD PATHETIC song they sang written by the man who wrote for Olivia Newton John? Did ANYONE like it? Was it just me that thought it was the worst crap I've seen in years?

Grrr....why can't this show be better?

And did y'all read? Paula ain't on drugs. She's got a neurological disorder.

Seriously?

She thinks I'm buying that one?

Oh please...

I Just Got Off the Phone...

2005-04-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

...I was talking to my friend. You might know her. Her first name is Barbie. Last name is Doll. Yeah, I thought you knew her too. Anyway, we used to hang way back when I was a kid. Actually, I mostly used to hang with Barbie's black friend Christie (a shout out to Christie! Rock on, girlfriend, wherever you are!). But Barbie and I did a little shopping together, maybe did some skiing, took a few spins in the convertible, spent a couple days in the Malibu crib.

But tonight? Baribie was pissed.

"What," she ranted, "does that Carrie girl think she is doing?"

Yup. Pissed.

Note to Carrie: Barbie called. And she wants her head back.

What is up with Carrie? The big hair, the creepy shiny dress, the scary floral appliques on said dress? Does she actually believe that she is Barbie come to life? Or has reality simply taken a holiday and left her brain on vacation?

All I could do was shake my head.

Thumbs up to Connie who, week after week, continues to use his fabulous swinging hair and bad boy grin to confuse America into thinking he can sing. It's magic, I tell you. Magic. Okay, yeah, deep dark chop the head off a chicken, soul sold to Satan voodoo magic but still...magic.

I want to take a moment to chat with Anthony Fedorov. Anthony, honey, sweetie? GO HOME! GO HOME RIGHT NOW! GET OFF MY TV SCREEN WITH YOUR STUPID SPIKY HAIR AND YOUR BAD DANCE MOVES AND YOUR CHEESY VOICE. TAKE YOUR TRACHEOTOMY CLAY AIKEN WANNBE FLAT BUTT AND GO HOME. GO! GET! GET OUT! LEAVE AMERICA IN PEACE, YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I feel better.

Scott...well, Sandie loves him. I don't know why. But I loves my sister so I'll keep my thoughts on him and his Down's head and his stupid facial hair and his lame ass voice to myself. Because Sandie thinks he's adorable. I think he looks and sounds like a hip hop Weeble on crack. But that's just me.

Anwar. Randy and Paula love him. Which goes to show you that Randy's hearing is going and Paula's...well, let's just say somebody took a few too many pretty little pills tonight. He's a nice guy. And he's great on a ballad. He's a balladeer is what he is. But he isn't the American Idol. He's just not. Accept. Live it.

Bo. He continues to slay me with his rocker thang and his excellent voice and his ability to shake the house. But I'd be shocked...SHOCKED...if he won this thing. Why? Because last week, he told America that he didn't care if he won, he was just doing this on a bet. Nobody likes a showoff. The same problem Scott has (remember Scott was Mr. Arrogant who said "at least, I had the guts to get up here and do this, a lot of people are sitting at home too afraid to even try"), Bo has. America isn't gonna stand for someone pointing out what losers we all are for sitting at home on our sofas watching total strangers get to be rich and famous while we simply are getting to be fatter and lazier. Nope. Neither will win.

Who IS gonna win this thing?

Vonzell. Yep. Vonzell. She's adorably cute (older crowd in her pocket). She's got serious booty (men and boys in her pocket). And she feels like the girl next door sans the big Barbie head problem (girls in her pocket). Plus she can sing. Plus, she has a good story. She's a postal worker. A POSTAL WORKER. She carries the mail for a living. She's a mail carrier. How sweet is that? It's so a fairy tale Cinderella thing. People love that.

Connie might win. He might confuse America long enough to walk off with the title. I can dig that. But my money is on the cutie pie with the tacky white tassel cowboy boots and the Daddy that loves her.

She's money in the bank, baby.

Money in the bank.

At least, that's what Barbie told me when she called.

This is Shonda, reporting fatter and lazier from my sofa...

Idol Updates

2005-04-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I too am still alive. Somewhere out here in cyberspace I sit sucked so deeply into work that I cannot seem to find the time (or energy) to walk my lazy butt downstairs to the computer. All the more compelling argument for a laptop I say. Someday I'll treat myself.

ANYWAY... I see Shonda managed to post something about the show. So I'll do some contestant updates for ya. Let's see what our old friends are up to shall we?

George Huff:

George's Xmas EP was a success and be on the look out for more from Geroge. George Huff has signed with Word Records out of Nashville. The label focuses on gospel music, but represents a diverse group of artists including Billy Ray Cyrus, Sandi Patty, and Amy Grant. Also, look for George on tour with Nicole C. Mullen this spring. George's next album is slated for a July 2005 release. George is also currently performing on a Coca Cola tour with other idols. Some of the more recent/upcoming dates of note are:

New York Area - Featuring George Huff, LaToya London and Mikalah Gordon
Friday 4/15/05 - 5-9pm
Roosevelt Field 630 Old Country Rd Garden City, NY 11530

Philadelphia Area - Featuring George Huff, LaToya London and Mikalah Gordon
Sunday 4/17/05 - 1-5 pm
Oxford Valley Mall 2300 E. Lincoln Hwy Langhorn, PA 19047

I mention this because I was horrified to see who else was on the bill. Yes... this says Mikalah Gordon. OH GOOOD LAWD!!! Please don't attach that crazy annoying, only moderately talented girl to my George Huff. ..........sigh.......

John Stevens:

Yes, that says John Stevens. I have nothing to say but check out his page at Maverick Records where he is apparently signed to a deal.

Latoya London:

Latoya London is on that Coca Cola tour with George and has signed with independent label Peak Records. Peak is a contemporary jazz label whose roster includes Regina Belle. She is finishing up her album which is set to release this summer. Visit her site to get behind the scenes looks at her time in the studio and listen to her upcoming releases.

Jennifer Hudson:

Jennifer's official website has recently appeared. The site says her album will be released in April on 2005... uuhhhmmm which is now. I recently saw Jennifer on a special Idols Where Are They Now segment and she was in the studio at the time. She did a stint in HAIR with Wayne Brady and others last fall and has since been performing at awards ceremonies and other events in the Chicago area with big name performers such as Destiny Child .

That's all for now.

I'm out.

Sorry...

2005-04-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since we've posted.

Don't get us wrong. We love to post. It's just that this year's AI is so...

...so...

...LAME.

Yes. I said it. Lame.

Last week, I couldn't even be bothered, I was so bored. I just couldn't find anything to write about. This week...well, at least Constantine is turning out to be something special.

I love him.

No. Wait. Let me clarify.

I....LOVE...HIM!!!!

Loves me some Connie. Connie with the long hair. Connie with the no rocker street cred and the Partridge family songs. Connie is hot. Connie is now. Connie is boy band without the other boys. He's N Sync without the Sync. He's so bland that he feels new.

Everyone else?

Well, Vonzell is exciting. She's cute. She's bubbly. She's got a great voice. But I hate the weave. Nothing worse than a shiny weave on a nice person.

That Carrie? She's...well, Carrie. And I'm talking bucket of pig's blood on the head Carrie. There is something decidedly evil about her. Decidedly creepy. A reader described her as very JonBenet. And she is. All JonBenet, all the time. Can't stand her. Wish she'd leave.

I was angry that Nikko was ejected. But I got it. He's too R&B for the AI crowd. And he didn't know how to pretend he wasn't the way Fantasia did. Plus, Fantasia had a good story. Single mama, poor, from the South. Nikko aka Osbourne was the son of a famous ball player. There wasn't a single person watching who felt he "needed" to win the way we all felt Fantasia did. I mean, Fantasia can now buy her baby diapers and milk. What's Nikko gonna do with the money? Ummm...put it on top of his other pile of money?

Nadia? Dude, the minute she turned her head into a rooster? She was OUT. OUT. She had no freakin' shot. NONE.

Rooster=NO WAY YOU WILL BE THE AMERICAN IDOL!

As for the rest of 'em? Anwar? Inconsistent. Fedorov? Satan. Bo? Well, Bo has a chance. If he can get his act together. Scott? Oh, please. Love Down's Syndrome boy but he can NOT sing!

Okay, that's all I have to say. I promise to write next week. I promise. Come on back and read....

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa...

Oh yeah, PS: Did anyone see Hall and Oates in the audience? Are they a million jillion years old or WHAT?! What happened to the dudes who did Private Eyes? My sister and I have a whole dance we made up to that song. And now they are two geriatric guys sitting in the audience of American Idol wearing Depends diapers?!

Ooh, I feel old...

No Neck? No More!

2005-03-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

Okay. I don't know what is going on around here.

I could barely even watch Tuesday night's show. What with all the howling and the bad hair and the odd outfits? Who COULD watch it? Most of the night, I just kept my finger on the fast forward button. Waiting for the horror to end.

The nineties? As a theme? They are using as a theme stuff that happened five years ago? Five years ago isn't a theme! It's FIVE YEARS AGO. I still have jeans from five years ago. SHOES from five years ago. Heck, I have a block of cheese at the back of my fridge from five years ago. It's not a theme. Five years ago is five years ago. That's like saying the AI theme is "right this minute." You must sing songs from "Right This Minute!"

I have not one good thing to say about what I saw on Tuesday night.

Not one.

NOT.

ONE.

So did I care that No Neck was voted off? Not really. Did I care that Nadia and Anwar were in the danger zone?

A little.

But I do care that they come up with a decent theme for next week. Because I'm starting to get angry. I'm starting to get surly and rowdy and ready to use my finger to delete AI from my Season Pass...

...I miss Ruben and Fantasia and Kelly....

Just a quick note...

2005-03-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

...to point a warning finger at this week's cautionary tale. Nadia.

Nadia, Nadia, Nadia...

...you were in the bottom two. Last week, you were THE diva to beat. But...

...that's what happens when you stick a rooster on top of your head and try to sing Cyndi Lauper.

You might have thought it was a good idea. But nobody else did. Count yourself lucky that Mad Dog Mik messed up again this week trying to be Taylor Dane.

That's all I'm gonna say. I hope you learned your lesson, girlfriend.

So who else was bored?

2005-03-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

... by that total video replay last night, not the original. Cause I have to say the original show started off pretty hot for me. The first half had the better performances. The second half... well... sort of ran out of steam if you ask me.

My top point scorers were Farm Girl, Bobby KOTH (Scott) and hands down winner last night Vonzell.

Farm Girl came out working her super eighties big mall hair and SANG that song ya'll. A reader wrote last week that Carrie needed a lot of work... well she worked it OUT this week. And that was no fluke. We saw that voice in the audition rounds and my girl is back. And you know what else? You gotta have some nerve to wear all that 80 gear too cause that was a little shocking. But you go on girl and keep it up.

Bobby KOTH (that would be King of the Hill for those of you just joining the party) well he showed us he had a little more than Luther ballads in him. Not that I'm hating on the ballads cause ya'll know I loves me some Bobby KOTH, but he needed to bust out. Oh it's o.k. ya'll cause I know you were all thinking he'd made a mistake with that song choice. I heard you. I said it too. But he sang it. And each week he's got a little more personality. A little... oh come on now... don't hate on my boy.

Now the H-O- double T-E-S-T performance of the evening was Baby V. Whatever. I hear you haters. Guess what? She's hot and you know it. Don't hate the player, hate the game. And she is in this game now. Well... we all know what happened last year after the single most incredible performance of Jenny FTB's Idol career.... Weekend in New England ya'll... voted off. SHOCK and AWE that's what that was. SHOCK & AWE. O.k. let's not talk about it... my head is swelling just thinking about it. Vonzell was all over that song. I was up dancing. I'm still playing it back and dancing. Whoa, whoa, you got the best of my love.... O.k. I'm alright. But V, honey child, girlfriend of mine... can we talk about the wardrobe challenges you continue to have? Girl, what was that weird ensemble you had going on?!? No. Stylists... please take hold of this girl and treat her well. You know it isn't often I'm on the AI stylist side, but it can't get worse can it? Now interestingly enough on the 2nd show last night she was dressed in a nice, classic getup and looked just beautiful on camera. She really is the best looking U.S. Postal Worker I've ever seen.

So who was just O.K.? Bo, Jessica and Anwar. Yes, I know you're shocked at me putting Jessica's name anywhere near Bo and Anwar's. Me too. I don't know what happened just now. Something over took me at the keyboard... what? huh? nevermind.

Both Bo and Anwar sounded just fine. Their voices are fabulous. But the song choice and how they sang each song made you say "SO WHAT!" Next... they just didn't put any stank on it like they have in previous weeks. Couldn't live up those high expectations. Hopefully they'll bounce back next week. I mean you cannot go out there singing Chaka Khan all straight and boring like Anwar did. Boy you'd get whooped in the ghetto for that one.

Jessica... I can't force myself to say it.... she was actually improved. Better song choice maybe ... I don't know. But she wasn't bad. The outfit on the other hand... Jessica. Come on. You know better than that. I don't know why they make all that sheer, whack stuff in size chunky. It just shouldn't be allowed. And the judges couldn't have been all that wow'd over it after watching the playback... it wasn't as good as they thought it was I'll tell you that. But it was o.k. She'll be spared only because Mikalah sucked the big one.

Yeah, well... speaking of sucking the big one: EVERYBODY ELSE.

Nadia was terrible. And get real with the mohawk babe. It wasn't working for you.

Constantine, it's official: You are forever cast out of the rocker club. The Partridge Family?!?! Not one of you out there can pretend you thought that was a good song choice. I sat there staring at the t.v. in disbelief thinking "Someone please kill me. I'm frozen here in shock... kill me please". But alas, he stopped. The spell was broken and I was free to run screaming. Wow. That was insane.

Nikko - alright. I liked Nikko too. In the beginning. But now... well... let's get this straight people: He is NOT Usher. He's the usher at the movie theater. That's all. He's o.k. But if you just close your eyes for a minute and forget about the charm, stage presence and pimp threads he was sporting last night you'll actually realize something: he's not always sounding so hot.

No really. I'm serious. Try it. You'll see.

That was not a great performance and a ridiculously ghetto song choice to boot. You're on American Idol - the biggest show EVER - and you can sing ANY number one hit you want.... and you can only think of SISCO?!?! The THONG SONG SISCO?!?! Wow. What a music aficionado this kid is. First The Jackson 5 and now Sisco. What will it be next week? Put me out of my misery.

Trach Boy... oh I can't even spend time talking about his performance. What a waste of air time he is. But, he too will be spared only because Mikalah sucked the VERY big one.

Mikalah... in a category all by herself this week. Ohhhh... the crimes she committed. Such evils. Such horrible singing people. Last night I wanted to watch it again only to see if it was as bad as I thought. And she was. Her t-shirt last night said it all "It's my job to annoy you". Wow. At least this girl knows who she is. That's all I can say she's got going for her right now. Be gone Fran Drescher!! Banished from our sacred Idol stage!! Out! Out! O.k. I do realize that I'm not the only one voting. So there is the remote chance that she was not get voted off. WHAT?!?!

That's enough. Blasphemy in the Idol arena if Fran sticks around another week. NO ONE deserves to go before her... but we've seen it happen haven't we?

Alright. That pretty much tells it all. I'm done. The results are coming on.

I'm out.

DO-OVER!!!

2005-03-23T04:35:00.000-08:00

The show was HOT.... the voting was NOT....

... and so we'll do it all over again tonight!

FOX discovered a glitch in the programming last night. When the recap of the performances aired and the contestants numbers ran on the screen one last time some of the numbers were incorrect. Watch your playback on this one.

A performance show will re-air tonight and we will be asked to vote again. This show will have "some live elements and some recaps" according to FOX - so who knows what that really means. The results show will now air on Thursday night (messing up my TiVo programming). Make sure you catch the show at the correct time on the correct day!

My thoughts on last nights show tonight...

I'm out.

And the executions begin!

2005-03-16T23:26:00.000-08:00

Off with their heads!

What pure sadistic joy I felt tonight. AI back to what it should be. Tears of sadness, smiles of glee and bad group numbers. Seriously, did you see them singing that song? The off-beat side to side sway they did? The over-rehearsed walk to the beat across the stage moves? The cheesiness. The tackiness. The stupidity. It was very Brady Bunch, very fabulous.

I loved every minute of it.

A shout out to Ruben Studdard who perched like a giant Buddha in the audience tonight. Seeing him was like seeing your old junior high crush. You remember the devotion, the time spent scrawling I Heart Ruben and Ruben-n-Shonda 4Ever on your notebook, the deep love you held onto even as he disappointed you time and time again...

Ah, Ruben.

Remember when you sang "A Whole New World?" Remember how I threw my panties at the TV and screamed "I luv you, Ruben!!!?" Remember?

People, Ruben sang "A House is Not A Home". The song that I said should only be sung by Tamyra according to the AI rule book. Ruben sang it. And it was goo-ood. Not just good. Two syllables. Goo-ood. The very song that was massacred by Anwar last night. Ruben did it. Now he sings gospel. I don't listen to gospel.

WE MISS YOU RUBEN!!!!!

(insert tears here...)

Okay, back to the matter at hand. Who got voted off tonight? Whose dreams were crushed under the heels of America's ability to hit the redial button on the telephone?

The bottom three were Mikalah, No Neck and Hairdresser The Sequel. Which was good. I would have been happier had the bottom three included Trach Boy but...

...one can't have everything, can one?

I had no problems with any one of the three girls going. None of them were any good last night. But when I looked deep down in places I don't like to talk about at cocktail parties or on this blog, I have to admit that No Neck has talent. And poor Mikalah looked properly regretful for both almost giving us a gynecologist's view of her body and for ruining a perfectly good song that never hurt anyone. So I can stomach giving them another chance.

Hairdresser The Sequel? Oh, you know she had to go. You KNOW it.

And then she cried and cried and cried. And her poor grandmama almost had a stroke (at least I HOPE that was her grandmama -- otherwise, her Mama is a miracle of science what with giving birth at 65) when Ryan booted off her baby. Has anyone else noticed that this year, Ryan is almost gleeful when kicking a contestant to the curb? That he's icy cold and unsympathetic when telling a hopeful to let the doorknob hit 'em where the good lord split 'em? It's like he's SO over this show. It's like he's sick of watching year after year as someone becomes a superstar while he remains a virtual Ed McMahon sidekick to Simon's flawless Johnny.

I'm down with his cruelty. It makes things interesting. But I'm a little worried about him. His mental state has me atwitter. I mean, Ryan is a bitter, bitter boy these days. I hope his therapist gets paid A LOT. That's all I'm saying. Cause I don't want to hear that Constantine is trapped in a hole in Ryan's basement while Ryan says "It puts the lotion on its skin; it does this whenever it's told."

(People, go rent Silence of the Lambs and watch it again -- it possesses what may quite possibly be the single greatest compilation of quotable lines in the past 30 years.)

So now we're down to eleven. Six mediocre singers, one total babe, three potential winners and a boy apparently still recovering from the tracheotomy he had as a child whose voice and face make me want to scratch my own eyes right out of their sockets.

How much do I LOVE this show?!

This is Shonda, reporting gleeful from my sofa.

I'm gettin' my 2 cents in here cause you are trippin!

2005-03-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Shonda.... (I'm busy shaking my head, that's why you see no words here).

After Nikko performed and Randy and Paula gushed all over him (and you too apparently) Simon summed it up for me:

"I think I'm the only one in this audience who can hear!"

Nikko's performance was one of the worst things I've heard since... well since Travis tried to sing All Night Long. What the...?!?! A Jackson 5 song?!?! SHONDA! Snap out of it girl. See Nikko has you in a trance. Which is exactly how Travis made it so far. He fools you with all that charisma, meanwhile the song was so out of tune Michael Jackson would rather be convicted than hear it disrespected so badly. The Jackson 5 days are just as sacred as Bodyguard Whitney and that boy has no business pretending he can sing anything from them.

No business at all. Speaking on no business...

Now, Mikalah had no business wearing that hoochie mama outfit. She had on so much red lipstick and blush maybe she thought she was on America's Next Top Model... only without the model part. Poor thing. That matching red bra (under a sheer cropped sweater - WHAT?!?) hiphugger pants and boots had the vice squad waiting out back just in case she was on her way to work (on the corner). Good Lawd that girl couldn't have looked any more like Fran Drescher with that huge 80's hair and heavy makeup. Oh yeah, did she sing something? I didn't notice.

I whole heartedly agree with you - Jessica, Lindsey and Anthony - GO HOME! Lindsey honey don't you know that little satin ribbons are only tied around the necks of stuffed animals that sit on little girl's shelves collecting dust mites and taking up space. That's what you're doing in this competition: Taking up space... bye bye now.

Vonzell, Anwar and Carrie were all shell shocked and certainly not at their best. BUT... Carrie had a bit of an image boost! Did you notice?!? Super straight hair, maybe even a bit of extensions, better makeup and an up to date outfit did her well. You're looking a bit hotter girl. Go on with your bad self.

For me the fast forward group would include Nadia as well. You already know I just don't like her. She isn't all that. But that's just me.

Now the I sold out to the man award goes to Constantine. You're no rocker boy. And that drummer of yours who threw a fit on camera when you brought Ryan Secrest to tell the band you were going on American Idol knew it would happen. He knew you well didn't he Constantine. That song choice said it all. Let's take a journey inside Constantine's head ya'll..... Here's what he's saying: I better snap out of it and sing some easy listening music because I know that's the only way my voice sounds anywhere close to these other contestants. Then at the end of the song if I flip my hair and shoot that look at the camera that says "You know I'm cute" I can make it through this thing and get some fame and fortune. HHhhmmmm.... I can hear it all. FAKER!!! POSER!!!! ..... alright I'm o.k. ya'll. I'm over it. Lost it there for a minute.

Bo on the other hand is a rocker all the way. I think. I mean who sings Spinning Wheel and carries the mic around in the stand the whole time if they're not a rocker! That boy better have liability insurance doing that kind of thing. I was scared he was gonna knock some poor fool out with that thing as he's slinging it through the audience. And I think he may be getting cuter each week... ala George Huff. Well maybe I've gone off the deep end now. But I don't think so.

Now.... here's where I'm standing my ground- Scott Savol. I LOVES ME SOME SCOTT. Yes, he absolutely looks just like Bobby from King of the Hill. But I don't care. That boy can sing his butt off. He can sing. I don't care if he's wrapped from head to toe in brown suede or in a bathrobe, that boy can sing. Now... Scott honey you do need to get a bit of a personality going on here. The people gotta like you to vote for you son. Don't you get that? Call me. Email me. Text message me. I'm available for a little image consultation anytime. I can take a few vacation days to fly out and coach you. But you have GOT to get some life in ya.

Oh well... I had to get my 2 cents in. I'm done ranting. My prediction tonight: Jessica or Lindsey although it should absolutely be Bobby Brown or Fran Drescher after that horrendous performance.

I'm out.

The Party Gets Started...

2005-03-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

,,,kind of.

I sat down in front of my TIvo tonight. Thrilled. Full of excitement. Shocked by Mario's exodus and thrilled by Nikko's return. Elated that the Final 12 were finally in place. AI4 HAS BEGUN!!!

So there I was with my can of soda, glass of juice and bottle of water (I like to stay hydrated so I have energy to yell at the TV when necessary). I had my pen in one hand to take notes. My Tivo remote in the other so that I could pause, rewind or fast forward depending on what was happening.

And you know, that's how I'm going to break it down tonight. Three categories. Pause. Rewind. And Fast Forward. Now the audience was on crack so EVERYONE got a standing ovation tonight in the studio. But not in my living room.

FAST FORWARD: You know who goes in this category. Those contestants who make so much painful noise howling on my TV that all I can think is "MAKE THE LAMBS STOP SCREAMING!" Those contestants who bore me so much that all I can think is "Wonder what will happen on America's Next Top Model tomorrow night?" The bad and the boring. And they are:

1) Jessica. Or as I like to call her No Neck Blondie. Not that I'm hating on people with no necks. Go on with your fat head selves, more power to ya, form your own non-profit. I'm just calling it like I see it. And Jessica is No Neck Blondie -- big head, big voice, NO NECK. And she does have a big voice which sometimes sounds okay. That's the problem. She's just...okay. I don't care about her, I don't care to watch her. And what she did tonight is SO forgettable that I can't even remember the name of the song she sang.

2) Lindsey. Is it just me or does she remnd y'all of Hairdresser Girl from AI Season 2? Same face, same hair and, unfortunately for her, same voice. She's dull. Lifeless. PLASTIC. At least Hairdresser Girl had a career cutting heads to fall back on...

3) Vonzell. I give her props because she's sweet and wore the tacky white tassel boots her Daddy bought her last week. And she can sing. But Vonzell...honey, let's first discuss the dress. The peach, shiny, tacky Prom dress. The atrocity that made you look like a Vegas lounge singer. Oh...it was sad. Uninspired. But better than your performance. Which was also shiny and tacky.

4) Anthony. Trach Boy is on my last ever-lovin' nerve. He sat on a stool. A STOOL. And tried to croon. TRIED. TO. CROON. Hey, Trach Boy? You ain't Clay. You'll never be Clay. You'll never be Clay's stool. Why must he be in this competition? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

PAUSE: A category reserved for things that make me go "Wha...?" For those who bring vocals or outfits or performances that make me freeze frame my Tivo while I pull myself together or give myself time to scream.

1) Anwar. Anwar, Anwar. I loved you so. You with your pulled back dreds and your super-positive optimism and your school teacher glow. Oh, how I loved you. So what happened? You looked like a deer in headlights up on that big stage. And your voice...well, that was not what I call singing. Plus, you forget AI rule #563. Which is don't sing "A House is Not A Home." Unless you are Tamyra Gray. And you are not. Tamyra. Only Tamyra is Tamyra. She owns the song in AI legend. You...well, you eked out something. Screw your courage to the sticking place, boy! And do somethng better next week!

2) Mikalah. Mad Dog Mik has lost her mind. Did you see her belly? Of course you did. How could you miss it? She was wearing pants so low, I thought the FCC was gonna bust the show up. And...now, I know she's a teenager and I definitely am not one to hate on anyone's body but...girl, that was not a belly I wanted to see. Ever. Keep it covered. So, working the I'm a ho angle didn't fly. And neither did her song. I am not exactly sure even after pausing several times what song that was she was singing. It was bad. And for the first time, I joined you hordes of haters out there who find Mikalah annoying. She's fast becoming my Goat Girl for 2005 (see 2003).

3) Scott. Down's Boy looks better. The facial hair, the suede duds. And he sang one of my favorite songs "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." But have you ever seen anyone look so unbelievably uncomfortable in front of an audience? It was like watching Sinatra Boy try to dance last year. You could practically hear Scott counting off his moves in his head. Move hand here...Descend steps on three...Shake head on five... He made me constipated just watching him. Poor Down's Boy. He showed so much promise in the early rounds. But I fear tonight may be his last.

4) Carrie. She's sweet. She milks cows. She loves country. And she has a great voice. But tonight, PAULA called her boring. You heard me. PAULA. Paula never has a mean word to say to anyone about anything. Paula, whose judgements usually leave even the worst contestant feeling like they've been licked by a basket of kittens. PAULA CALLED CARRIE BORING. All I can say is...dawg, that's cold. Simon tried to smooth things over. Mainly because I think Simon has decided that Carrie is a race horse he can ride all the way to the country western bank. And maybe he could. If this show was called Nashville Stars...

REWIND: I save the rewind button for the good ones. The ones who BRING IT. The ones who do something great. And, yes, occassionaly for the ones who make such big fools of themselves that you gotta watch it again and again. Like when Clay sang the song from Grease. Or Hercules wore the Afro wig. But tonight, I used rewind for good and not evil.

1) Constantine. Yup. I said Constantine. Y'all, I know Connie ain't the best singer. But the thing is, so does Connie. He knows he doesn't have what the other contestants have. So Connie picks songs that make him sound good. And he's cute. And he brings a whole butt load of charisma onstage with him. And he's cute. Admit it, you thought he was pretty good tonight. I almost found myself apologizing to him through the TV screen for hating on him so bad last week.

2) Nikko. Yeah, he's back. Yeah, he don't care if you hate him. Nikko arrived on stage in pants so baggy, I thought he had the whole Jackson Five in there. He waved his hands. He tossed his hat. And he sang "I Want You Back". It was either horrible or fantastic. I don't know. I just know I couldn't stop watching him. I just know that if he recorded that song today, it would be playing over and over again on MTV tomorrow. He took an old song and made it seem fresh and hip hop and very now. All the boy needed were some backup danceers. I tried to call and vote for him but the phone lines were literally overloaded and I couldn't get through.

3) Nadia. Love her. LOVE. HER. I want her hair. And her outfit. Which let me tell you was a big gamble. You don't wear a big old poncho/dashiki on national TV unless you are a) unbelievably skinny and b) brave. Girl is both. She looked good, she sounded better. A total change from her usual upbeat numbers, Nadia got out on that stage and said, yeah, I can sing. Better than any of you. Whoo-Hoo! It was the first good performance of the night and I had to rewind three times to get over it.

4) Bo. Here's a puzzle. Bo is ugly. Bo has bad hair. Bo sings in a style I can NOT stand. I LOVE ME SOME BO. Bo rocks. Bo rocks each and every week. Bo rocks hard. Bo rocks long. Bo rocks. Do I want Bo to win? I don't know. I just know I want to see what Bo does next. I want to see Bo take a regular song and rock it. I want to see Bo rise to the challenge of the AI gauntlet. I want to see Bo sing his way through Streisand night. Or Billy Joel night. Or...oooh, Celine Dion night. I want to watch Bo rock the theme from Titantic. Bo is a magical mystery tour of rocking magnetism. Bo has taken the pop star status of the Idol stage and twisted it into a Seattle grunge fest. Bo is a genuis.

Or maybe I'm just really excited that someone up there can sing.

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.

More on Mario

2005-03-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

So I heard a snippet this morning of a live interview he did with MTV. He's recanting the whole "family issue" thing. He instead now says he didn't think it was "the right time" for this. That he has to focus on other things right now. You know, like he did some soul searching.

YEAH WHATEVER.

When asked outright in another interview if he had signed a record deal with anyone Mario didn't say no... he said "no comment".

hhhhhmmmmm.......

Some more reading for you if you're really sulking over it like I am:

Entertainment Weekly Online says...

Mario jumps ship...

2005-03-14T04:18:00.000-08:00

Well... we all know we can't get through a season of AI without a good scandal can we?

Who's shocked here? Not me.

Fox announced yesterday that Mario Vasquez has bailed just before the finals begin. Why? Well... that's where the scandal part comes in of course. Fox told press that he had to leave to take care of personal or family issues. But Mario's mom has since been interviewed and knows nothing of these "family issues." Another source now says that Mario has disclosed to them that he got out just before having to sign the 2nd contract all finalists must sign. That contract has some very strict stipulations in it that he just wasn't willing to give in to. There are other rumors out there as well about what may have triggered Mario's sudden departure that you're sure to hear about in the days to come as well.

Who really knows. It's FOX. And we all know what that means anyway.

So.... what does all this mean? All you Nikko fans.... get ready! He's been reinstated as Mario's replacement in the top 12. Get happy Shonda, your boy is back. Bobby Brown is back. I just hope he can get his act together or he'll be back on that plane quicker than he can get those bags unpacked! Pull it together Bobby Brown, this is your 2nd shot at fame and fortune (and apparently an insanely restrictive contract that will rule your life for the next few years).

That's the news.

I'm out.

Sickness...

2005-03-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

So the sickness that had Sandie's house down for the count has flown 2000 miles West to hit my house.

Ach.

But despite the sweaty, feverish child who insisted upon watching more Dora the Explorer than I ever thought possible, I did manage to catch the vote-off show.

Cheers! To Makalah, who I was quite sure would have lost it in a big way with the boo-hoos had she not been voted through. I know a lot of you hate her. But I think she's adorable. So I was thrilled!

Wha...?! To the people who voted off Nikko and kept Constantine. Okay, y'all know I think he's adorable. I luv him. I heart Constantine, okay? BUT HE CAN NOT SING.

CAN.

NOT.

SING.

It's a hard ugly truth that we all have to face. Pretty boy. Bad voice. He has no place in the top twelve. Really. Bo is going to kick his butt. EVERYONE is going to kick his butt. And here's the other thing. Nothing kills a love like ours than watching a rocker with a bad voice sing cheesey 70s music in a group with coordinated dance steps. I mean, Connie's a bad boy. Nothing bad boy about matching outfits, if you know what I'm saying. GO HOME, CONSTANTINE!!! GO HOME BEFORE THEY KILL YOUR MOJO!!!!!!!

And to everyone else who made it...good for you. I thought the voting was fair. Avila Vegas Chick and Jenay-nay needed to go home. Travis Tucker can go commit his vocal crimes somewhere else. But I was disappointed about Nikko. Yeah, he looks like Bobby Brown. But that boy could sing.

Unlike Constantine.

Who is beautiful.

BUT.

CAN.

NOT.

SING!!!!

One last note: a viewer wrote to say they thought that Constantine was wearing a Justin Guarini t-shirt on the show. That can not be, I thought. So I re-watched carefully. And I think it's true. CONSTANTINE WAS WEARING A JUSTIN GUARINI T-SHIRT.

Now, as we all know, in accordance with the 2004 People With Taste v. CAST of From Justin to Kelly ruling, Constantine should be AUTOMATICALLY banned from the show and perhaps deported from the country. A Justin G shirt? Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

Constantine, your mojo is now in question...

It Happened...

2005-03-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

The change.

It happened.

And it didn't just happen.

Oh, no, y'all.

The change DONE GONE and HAPPENED.

DONE GONE.

Was I the only one who felt it? Was I alone? Or did you too feel the tingle of AI Seasons Past on your Tivo tonight? Did you too feel the magic? Did you too feel that certain need to...hmmm...how shall I put it...how to be delicate about this...

Aw, heck.

Did ya feel the need to toss your panties at your TV screen?!

Cause I did. I was wishing I'd worn more than one pair so I didn't have to keep running back to retrieve the first pair just so I could throw it again.

The change done gone and happened. The contestants stepped up their games, the contenders stepped forward from the pretenders, there was SANGING up in the TV tongiht.

What a relief. Because I was just about ready to turn my back on this season. And I now I have a reason to believe again.

(insert dance of joy here)

Okay. Let's talk about tonight. Let's get down to the nitty gritty details of who was great, who was good and well...who was Travis.

THE GREATS: Let me start by saying that for the first time, I realized that the talent in this year's competition is much greater than in past seasons. I just never noticed it until now.

1) Until tonight, every time Sandie mentioned Mario, I'd say "Mario Who?" And then she'd have to describe him in detail. And I still would have no idea who she was talking about. But tonight....oh, Mario, sweet Mario. I love him. LOVE him. LUUUUUUUUV HIM. How is it possible that I never noticed that he is both gorgeous AND has a voice like butter? I blame the hats. Because when I went back to check past episodes, that boy (in keeping with the fashion trend/fashion nightmare of this season) is always wearing a hat.

STOP WITH THE HATS. All of you. Hats ain't good. It's neither 1934 nor is your name Usher. Put the hat down and back away from it slowly...

Anyway, Mario. Sweet Mario -- as I now call him -- has a tremendous voice. Pure and clean. And tonight, I noticed it for the first time. Which is a good thiing because Mario was about to have his butt voted off the show. Mario needs to be in the Final Twelve. Because Mario started the wave of panty-throwing in my house. Okay, it was just me by myself. And I didn't actually throw my panties. But I did pick up an extra pair of my daughter's Dora the Explorer pull-ups and toss them in the general direction of my TV. He has the IT I've been waiting for.

2) As does Nikko. Who I've been hating on both for his hats and his decision to pretend his name isn't Osbourne. But I'm letting that all go. Because, face it, that boy can sing. Didn't send me over the edge tonight but it's clear he has talent.

3) Who else was great? Bo. Bo was great. Mostly because I am still loving Bo from last week. But also because this week, Bo's voice tricked me into thinking Bo was cute. I sat there, staring at his split-end ridden hair and his weak chin and bad skin and thought, 'That Bo sure is cute." Now, I'm not blind. I know he's ugly. But he's cute now. Why? Cause he can sing. That's the power of a good voice.

4) ANWAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Y'all, I wasn't a believer. I just wasn't. I didn't like the super long locks and the sweetness and the old-guy thing he has going on. But DID YOU HEAR HIM TONIGHT? DID YA HEAR? I LOVE YOU, ANWAR! He may be my secret husband of the season. And he is, unquestionably, one of the best singers there. He gets points for song choice and for tying his hair back and for holding a note so long he had to rear back on one leg to keep from falling over. Panties thrown all over the place. ANWAR!!!!!!!

THE GOOD:

5) I put Scott in this category mainly because I know he has a great voice although it clearly wasn't in evidence tonight. He was channeling Ruben so hard I thought I actually saw him gain a few pounds during the song. Not good. The problem with Scott is, he's not a performer. He has a great voice. And now he has some sweet facial hair that helped put an end to his whole Down's look. But he' doesn't shine or seem comfortable on stage. Week after week, I find myself fast-forwarding through his song. I would have nailed my toes to the floor before fast-forwarding through a single Ruben Studdard performance. Which tells you what it is Scott is missing.

6) It is only because I am striving not to let my hatred for Trach Boy get in the way of my judging skills that I add Anthony Fedorov to this category. He sang fine. I still hate him. I still can't stand his snivelling, "look, I'm like Clay", ooh, I was sick as a kid, pinhead personality. He clearly likes himself an awful lot. Good for him, I say. But I simply cannot bear to watch him. Go away, Trach Boy.

7) Okay, I know Constantine wasn't REALLY good. But he's so cute. And his name is Constantine. Simon had it right when he said the performance felt like a bad impersonation of Sting. But he's so cute. And his name is Constantine...

TRAVIS

8) I have named this category after the only person in it. Travis. And, in an attempt to put an end to the crimes he's committing, I will now speak directly to him: GO HOME TRAVIS! GO! HOME! You can't sing! You can barely dance! YOU ARE NOT MICHAEL JACKSON!!!! YOU ARE NOT BOBBY BROWN!!! A cute smile is not enough! Poppin' and moonwalking stopped working back in 1987!! Wake up! GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAN FROM AND LEAVE MY TV ALONE!!! GO!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND TALENTED....GET OUT AND NEVER EVER TRY TO SING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Y'all, let's all bow our heads and pray that he heard me.

Looking forward to tomorrow night! I hope the ladies caught the change from the men and BRING IT!

So here's the thing...

2005-03-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

It's just not BAM! PLOW! KABAM! throw your panties on the stage singing yet.

Is it me?

I think not.

O.k. I have my favorites. But there has not been one performance yet that made me scream in my living room and speed dial Shonda so I could give her a preview 3 hours early. Rocker Boy Bo was pretty close this week. Close.

I'm wondering if I'm disillusioned partly because most of those people had absolutely stellar auditions and we expected Luther Vandross and Whitney Houston performances out of them in this round. Didn't you? I did. I mean Scott, David, Vonzell and Janay were so hot every time we saw them.... until now. Luther and Whitney hot. Now they're only Sporty Spice and Bobby Brown hot.

Actually Bobby Brown was hot in his day. Unfortunately all we remember now is domestic violence, get out of jail free card Bobby in his last televised appearance as part of his wife's last televised concert. Both Bobby and Whitney were skinny looking and sweating crack out of their pores like hookers in church on Sunday. And both sounded only half of what they were so famous for. But that's another story. But speaking of Bobby Brown...

Nikko Smith - the funniest moment of the men's show was when Simon said that he was now looking like Bobby Brown. And it was true. And then Randy said, "Yeah, and Simon is looking like Whitney". And it was true. Poor crackhead Whitney. A legend gone bad. (my head is shaking people cause I loves me some BodyGuard Whitney. Maybe she can make a comeback...) ANYWAY... Nikko is changing up his image and getting some votes for that right now. I wouldn't say it was for singing. He hasn't shown us the talent we saw in the auditions either.

It's hard to stay on track this week.

O.k. So the voters got it right with Joseph and Celina coming in last. They were dead wrong with David and Aloha Beyonce. I hated Aloha Beyonce ya'll, but the girl could sing. She didn't have the best week, but there are 2 others that should have gone way before her that's for sure. Her straight hair was awfully cute on the results show, but I'm just glad we didn't have to witness any Beyonce bootyliscious outfits on her in the weeks to come. I will say that as much as I loved me some David he was certainly lacking the flash we saw in the audition rounds and the voters weren't willing to give him anymore chances. Now he'll just go back home to his church and sing. The old church ladies will be forever saying "Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Baby you know you sho' can sing." You know, this brings up a point. There are some incredibly talented people singing in churches all over the country ya'll. David is a prime example of the fact that not all of them are meant to be pop performers. A great singer is not necessarily the same thing as a great performer.

Case in point: Travis. He should have been voted off... but he wasn't. And do you know why? Cause he has the ability to make you THINK you just saw something good. All you really saw was him dancing around oozing showmanship. I mean he sang Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" people!! All Night Long?!?! TRAVIS! I would slap you silly if you were sitting next to me right now. You got away with one this week. 3 Times a Lady, Endless Love.... now those are some Lionel Richie songs boy. But then again you have to be a great singer to pull off those two songs don't you. You better show me something Travis. I like you, but I'm losing patience with you.

O.k. so in the You Were "Aiight" category this week: Anwar, Mario, Scott, Carrie, Vonzell. Once again, good, but nothing to jump off the couch about.

The I'll Admit You Can Sing, But Can't Stand Watching You Category: Mikalah, Trach Boy, Vegas Showgirl and Nadia. Don't write me. I can't stand Nadia. I know ya'll like her. I don't like watching her and her personality leaves something to be desired as well, but she can sing. Whatever, I'll say what I want. Mikalah admittedly had a very good performance this week. Excellent... as long as she doesn't open her mouth to do anything but sing. Someone has been coaching her, that's for sure, cause she sure toned it down this week. Even Simon commented on it. Now Vegas Showgirl... she started out with a Gloria Estefan tune and I had flashbacks to the worst show of last season: the Gloria Estefan night. We said back then that those songs seemed to be singable by Gloria and only Gloria. But guess what? Showgirl sang that song ya'll. She sang it. And it sounded good (if you forget the key change moment which everyone should avoid anyway). She has a voice, that's for sure. But it's no pop star voice. Stick to Vegas girl. Don't quit your night job. And finally Trach Boy. I just hate him. That's all. Go home. He's milking the "I'm a miracle child" angle so hard I half expect him to break out singing "I Will Survive" next week. Yuck. Stop voting for this boy people. PLEASE!

And finally, the You Really Ought To Give It Up category: Janay, Jessica, Lindsey and Constantine. Just not enough oomph to stand up to this competition. None of them out and out suck.... but I'm ready to cut these 4 loose. Alright. You don't think I know how many of you are just in LOVE with Constantine? I know. Believe me, I hear you. But cute or not... this is just another Kim Caldwell contestant in the making. Looks and a little talent propelled her through much of the later portion of the competition. The same is happening to Constantine right now. Let's admit it. His performance this week was mediocre at best. If I'm keeping it real, I'd actually say it was painful for me (all that out of tune screaming just didn't cut it). Cute, yes, but I've moved on. Voters, you should too.

The one person I haven't mentioned yet? BO.

ROCK ON BO!!!! What's that you say?

Look, I sooooo do not enjoy this type of music. Not even a little. But that's how you know someone performed the heck out of something. If you hate the music, but when it's over you still find yourself saying "Dude, you worked it out! That was the bomb!", you know that boy was performing his butt off. That, by the way, is what Randy had to say. Not me. Just in case you were wondering. But I was thinking it. Bo is a rocker who can really sing. He is not a metal rocker who plays a mean guitar, but spends his time screaming the song with no real vocal talent. Don't get me wrong, a lot of rockers are famous for just that. HUGE heavy metal band followings. But this boy is the real deal. He's Journey and Steve Perry voice real. He's Freddie Mercury and Queen real. I can't say I think he'll have staying power in this particular competition. But the boy is holding his own with his own genre right now. Wait til he has to sing disco or country though.... that will be worth recording for the laugh I'm sure. Who knows. He might surprise us all and be just as versatile as Ruben was. Well.... that's we'll have to wait to see....

So here's the wrap up. Thank goodness the results show was only a half hour. Bo can officially sing. Constantine is just cute. A few of you need to stop frontin' and go home, performing in the big time isn't for you. Everyone else is doing "aiight".

I apologize for not writing after the shows this week, but we are all sicker than dogs around here. I haven't the strength to walk down to the computer at that time of night. Maybe this can be my excuse for buying that laptop I keep saying I have no reason to buy... hhhhmmm. Alright I'll get a grip. Thanks to High Lord Dave for pointing people to your rantings for the week so they could get their Idol fix!

I leave you with one question though. How do the producers get those girls to say that stupid stuff in the interviews they show just before they sing each week? Someone please tell them to just keep their mouths shut or say something half way intelligent sounding for once!!

I'm out.

Our apologies...

2005-03-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

We've gotten your emails and we feel your pain.

Things have been a little crazy in both Casa Shonda and Casa Sandie. But rest assured we will be fully reviewing this week's AI over the weekend with plenty of juicy tidbits...

...and don't worry. We'll be back on schedule next week!

The big vote off night...

2005-02-24T16:55:00.000-08:00

Was that not the most heinous way to send off the lowest vote getters or what?!? Wow. That was just torture on those contestants. Bottom row, you can relax.... JUST KIDDING! You're OUT! Felt a little sorry for them. A little. That first girl was standing there like she was strung out on something and didn't even comprehend what was going on. Poor thing...

Oh well. Glad it wasn't me.

Actually, I found some good moments on this results show. Usually that isn't the case. It's an hour of this and that and that and this and soon we'll be watching freaky group numbers and shots of them in a Ford car performing weird skits. Count your blessings, cause we still have it made right now.

ANYWAY ... back to the good moments... Some from the results show, some from the performance nights:

America got it right. Those that sucked the most got the boot first. And that's actually not saying too much because I really wasn't impressed with too many of them. The boys in particular better step up their game or all my favorites will be out real fast! I was scared for David, Travis and Janay.

Speaking of Janay... come on girl. You are NOT 35 you are 17 and young and very cute and do not have to be so blinged out every time we see you. Let it go honey. Let it go. You know what I noticed though? The nice full weave she paid all that money for during the auditions in Hollywood was much better than this weave. I mean this girl is suffering from a bit of EDD (not to be confused with ADD) Extension Deficit Disorder. A little thin looking honey. I'd ask for a discount on that. But hey, such a cute girl with a powerhouse voice, if she pulls it together we may forget all about her hair.

Hhmmm... what else... oh yeah... SCOTT I think I'd better start looking a little more fly SAVOL! Come all ya'll... did you see my boy in his hat and glasses. Isn't it amazing what a simple ball cap and pair of glasses can do for your image (that's code for: big 'ol head)?? You go Scott. Go on with your bad self. Now just like Janay you have got to get your act together and pick better songs and blow all those other wannabes out of the competition. I'm still stuck on him ya'll. Say it. I don't care. Talk to the hand.

And you want to know what else? Thank you to all those that have written in to put a name to that irritating Mikalah chick. The consensus seems to be Fran Drescher. You are absolutely right. She does remind me (more horribly so) of the nanny herself. So let it be written, so let it be done. Fran Drescher from here on out she shall be.

Loved Carrie Underwood. Stylists are already chomping at the bit to get a hold of her in the finals. A makeover is coming. That I will put money on.

Loved Anwar. Those stylist are up all night dreaming about his hair too... but I don't see him letting that happen.

GO MARIO! Love this boy's voice. HOT, HOT voice. I don't want to hear it. I love him and hope people don't grow tired of him like they did Ricky or Trenyce for instance in year's past. Two others with phenomenal voices but not enough personality to sustain them.

And bringing up the hot girls performance category is Vonzell. We have a saying around here: You have got to be a card carrying diva to do 2 things - One is sing Whitney Houston Bodyguard. The other is to use one name. Vonzell honey... you're close... show me a little more fire and I'll give you the one name thing. (Trencye earned it with a Bodyguard song by the way... )

A few of those girls don't belong there and I hope the judges are kicking themselves for getting rid of Tammy Wynette Nash and Gina McFadden who would have been far more interesting at least. I don't have to name names. Ya'll know who you are.

Alright, that's my 2 cents for this week. I have no real predictions this week since no one really pushed me over the edge this time around except Mario and Anwar. This is shades of group 2 last year in the semi-final rounds... very promising... until they choked and shocked us all with how bad they were. (Was that last year? The seasons all seem to run together after a while don't they?)

I'm out.

4 out of 12 ain't bad...

2005-02-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, so there were SOME high points last night. Four to be exact.

1) Vonzell (a slap to her mama for that name) was vibrant and interesting and definitely has a good voice.

2) Dairy Maid Girl: the cute blond girl from Oklahoma with the EXCELLENT voice. She could win. She's got a presence and a sweetness and she definitely has the pipes. She's Kelly Clarkson sings country. I just wish I could remember her name...

3) Makalah: Okay, y'all don't like her. I do. I love her attitude, I love her lips, I love that she's only sixteen and has the confidence of a 40 year old. She reminds me of early Barbra Streisand and I think she rocks. She won't win cause y'all are haters -- but she rocks.

4) Aloha: Beyonce without the incredible body or gorgeous face. But still...Beyonce. And that ain't bad. I actually voted for her. Three times.

The rest of the singers were...bleh. I didn't care. Didn't even rewind my Tivo to watch it again.

Why is the talent pool so boring this year? Do I have this same complaint every year? Does it always feel so lame at this stage in the game?

Soooo underwhelmed

2005-02-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

Alright... now's when it gets to the part that I can't be the spoiler for all you West Coast slackers who can't seem to watch anything for another 3 hours!!!!

AARRGGHHH!!!!! So much to say......

Let's just leave it at: Sooooo underwhelmed. What's happening to all our talent? The same thing that seems to happen every year in this round. The people we thought would just come out and smoke everyone CHOKE when they get the mic in their hands! I can't stand it. David, Constantine, Travis... get your acts together. David will be lucky to survive this week and I believe he has one of the top 3 male voices this year. Scott and Mario, who should have just breezed through this round, were good but not hot enough to make people vote. They will also be struggling. Sigh..... Anwar was the shining light.

I've seen the girls already tonight. And I don't want Shonda to reach through the phone and choke the life right out of me... so I won't give up the goods on their performances. But I can't keep this to myself... I mean, I've said it before... that Mikalah girl... quite possibly the most irritating 16 year old I've EVER seen. And I do mean EVER.

That's all I can say about it.

I'm out.

the trouble with angels...

2005-02-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

Oh, so many cute boys.

Oh, so many cute boys with voices and faces like angels.

Oh, so many cute boys with voices and faces like angels who totally STANK UP MY TIVO last night!

What happened?

Pretty boys, why do you not sing pretty for me? Pretty boys with pretty faces, why do you torture me so?

You know who sounded good? Anwar. The old guy with all the dreads. And Scott, while not perfect, was better than 90% of the rest. Scott. The one with Down's. Don't get me wrong. I like these two. I like them a lot. But...sigh...

Pretty boys, why do you not sing pretty for me?

Constantine sucked. I LOVE CONSTANTINE. And I frankly don't care if he sucked. He's my Rocker Babe, my Sleepy Church Boy of 2005 (for those new to the blog, see 2004). Constantine could howl at the moon and still, I would vote for him. Love me some Constantine with his big name and his long hair and metal band left behind and his sweet pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty...

OKAY, I'm pulling it together.

You know who else sucked? Travis. And David. And Nikko. And Jared. And Joseph. And Judd. And Mario. Pretty boys every one. Pretty boys who did not sing pretty.

And then there's Anthony Freakin' Fedorov. I tried to rise above. Tried not to hate Fedorov on account of the fact that a) it's wrong to hate and b) it's wrong to hate people with tracheotomies. But I can't do it. I'm a low evil person. Fedorov gets on my nerves with his bad blond haircut and his glasses and his annoying holier than thou "I am a miracle of modern science" Clay Aiken-wannabe act. So they said you would never speak? SO WHAT? You're speaking. Get over it already.

The only boy I haven't mentioned thus far is Bo. Bo Bice. Here's hoping he changes his name if he wins. Try saying it three times quickly out loud -- can't do it. Anyway, Bo. Ah, Bo. I don't know what my deal is this year with the rockers but I also have tingly AI feelings for Bo. With his greasy hair and his weak chin and his inability to move to the beat, Bo is everything a girl could want in an AI contestant. He's the AI dream. Why? He can sing. And that's all. He looks terrible. But inside there is a cute boy waiting to be unvelied. Yes, there's so much room for fashion improvement. For haircuts and makeovers. For nicer shoes. For dance lessons. Bo is a virtual Pygmalion waiting to happen. And if there is one thing AI likes, it's a makeover. It's very American. Very Idol.

Bo and Constantine. Constantine and Bo. And Anwar. And Scott. They were worth my hour of time. The rest of those boys need to be voted off. And quickly.

Pretty boys, why do you not sing pretty for me?

American Idol: The Magazine

2005-02-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well... so the marketing is getting a little slicker this time around. I didn't say sophisticated, I said slick.

AI The Magazine is out and you may want to go get one this weekend before the voting begins. Now... let's be real here... it is, what it is. A magazine with cheesy articles and contestant liners and "inside peeks" at this and that. We could all easily guess the content of this magazine before picking it up. But, it does have some info about each of the finalists, articles about our previous winners as well as a nice scorecard feature. For me, the scorecard was the selling feature. There are scorecards for each week of the semi-finals and the finals that give you space to write each performer's name, their song choice, judge how they did using the same 5 categories the judges supposedly use and write down the phone number of who you want to vote for. I'm always searching for and scribbling mad crazy notes all over the back of the cable bill or whatever else I can find each week. Don't ask me... I don't know. But this will help me get through all of these weeks with less mayhem.

Alright. Buy a copy. It is a little pricey for what it is... but what isn't these days? I guess you can also get a subsciption - although I don't know what purpose that serves even coming from a psycho AI fan.... but who am I? You can check it out at aithemagazine.com as well.

I'm out.

Moving on...

2005-02-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

So I'm done talking about the sad ones. Here we go.

Therapists all over the country are raising their rates even as we speak to take advantage of all the A.I. wannabes. All those singers who actually got voted off a few months ago but now, after seeing themselves on t.v. and reliving it all over again in front of millions.... well.... they need some therapy. At the top of the list: Faith Gatewood.

Come on. You knew I was going there.

Faith I just lost my mind on national t.v. Gatewood. The line I loved was "I just wanted someone to see me.." Guess what honey... We saw you. Ohhhhh we saw you alright. Didn't notice all those t.v. cameras in your face the whole time you were in Hollywood girl? We saw you. She had a good voice. True, true. But not quite what they were looking for. A little rough around the edges with her huge crazy diva weave. And who finishes their final solo performance to the judges with a "BOOP" with the hand and all as if to say, now take that. Play it back. I swear. The sad part is that she took this one moment in time and equated it to every other moment of her life. Therapists be on the lookout for this girl. She's coming.

I didn't recognize many of the final 24. Did anyone else feel like this?!? I told you we'd be asking ourselves "Where the heck did they come from?!?". My favorites made it through though so I'm good to go. Now, there are two very different categories. The hot picks that I think will make it far in the voting process and my favorites who I happen to love, but don't think they'll get the votes. My hot picks stand at:

Scott, Vonzell, Anwar, Constantine, Janay, Mario, David Brown, Carrie Underwood and yes... Mikalah. Don't look all confused. I still can't stand that girl. But the reality is I predict her appeal is going to be the worst thing thats happened to an AI competition since show choir horror Madrigal Mishap Carmen from season 2. At least this girl can actually sing. That's all I have to say about that. My favorites outside of the hot picks are Travis Tucker and Nikko.

NIKKO??!!!?? Nikko?!?! you say? Where the heck did he come from? I know that's what you're saying. That's what I was saying. Until I replayed his entrance into the final judging. He sauntered in wearing all black, a hat, funky glasses and when Randy asked him how he was doing he answered "Chillin' like a villian". It clicked. I HAVE seen him before. We saw him audition in St. Louis and he was G-O-O-D too. But his name wasn't Nikko. It was Osborne Smith II. Ozzie Smith's son. Remember now?!? He walked into the audition room and was wearing the very same outfit, glasses and all and said the very same thing... chillin' like a villian. This villian is contestant number 13362 and with that, I knew Ozzie 2 and Nikko were one in the same. You think old Ozzie 2 wants to bust it out on his own without the famous name following him? OR was it all a scam? I mean we don't really believe that freak who said he was Toni Braxton's cousin was really any relation do we? That was just pathetic wasn't it? Whatever the reason. Nikko... go on with your bad self.

Anyway, I'm sticking with my hot picks for now. And we'll see how this boys, versus girls, bottom 2 get voted off, 3 night format is gonna shake down the talent this year.

I'm out.

The saddest vote off ever...

2005-02-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

HHmmm.... perhaps the saddest vote off I've ever seen occurred on Wednesday night's show. While trimming the group down to 24 we saw poor J.P. (Jamie Paul) Koehler sit in disbelief staring blankly at Paula, Randy and Simon as Randy tried desperately to keep it together himself. Paula turned away, looked down at the table, where ever she could other than at J.P. If you rewind and watch Randy closely you can see the torture on his face. Simon, for once, said absolutely nothing. Poor Jamie had big dreams Shonda. And like it or not, he just didn't want to believe his dreams were going down the A.I. toilet along with crazy girl Faith Gatewood's. He just sat there and the judges didn't know what to say. And when he choked out the words "You were all very good to me. Every one of you." That was it for me. I broke down. And so did Randy. Jumping to his feet and asking for a hug from good old J.P. was just a pathetic attempt at some personal absolution for killing this young man's dream of being somebody.

Alright, go back home, get a job Jamie and move on. The truth is he choked in the group competition. I'll say it. It's the killer trainwreck I told you about. It gets many a good singer knocked out of the running. And guess who said this very thing the night before the group round? Scott Savol. Remember what he said about his fears of performing with his group? He's seen many people go down with a bad group and he wasn't going down like that. Ya'll thought he was snotty and all kinds of anti-social for saying it didn't you? Admit it. I heard you. But ya'll know that boy was right. Scott lives on in the competition, but his group mates do not. J.P. does not. And neither do any of his group mates. Curses to that group number. Curses for making me sit through that horribly painful moment with poor Jamie Paul Koehler.

A moment of silence for Jamie Paul Koehler's dream.

Alright. I'm over it now.

I'm out.

Just the tip of the iceberg...

2005-02-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

I'll write more later but here are the highlights...

1) A lot of people can sing one song well but can't actually sing. Did you notice that? People who rocked in the opening rounds, sounded HORRIFIC the minute they stepped outside their musical comfort zone. Examples? James Brown Boy. San Francisco Crooner Man. Preacher Man. I could go on and on.

2) Belly shirts and hooker clothes are over. Vogue said so. Put some clothes on, people. Besides, there are very few people on the planet who look good half-naked. Like two people. Like Halle Berry and....okay, there's like one person. The rest of you -- cover your flab, please.

3) Cheap clothes look cheap. See #2.

4) Crazy It's Pat Aa'shia girl didn't make it. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Her mother must be flipping out. I say, take your helium voice someplace else. And figure out who and/or what you are, honey.

5) People with big dreams are annoying. People with big dreams who can't sing and get humiliated on American Idol are funny.

The lowlights will come later.

Relax...

2005-02-13T06:30:00.000-08:00

O.K. Shonda get a grip. It's not all that bad. Really it isn't.

I'm not saying I'm all overwhelmed with excitement or anything each show. But I think it has more to do with the new sudden death elimination than lack of talent. The way they get one 30 second chance with no comments makes it very dry. We used to see more of the performer from their start in Hollywood, how the judges reacted to them, the comments like how badly they were dressed or how much it sucked that they couldn't remember the words or how they really nailed it... blah, blah, blah. We'd watch for them in the next round to see changes in attitude, improvements in wardrobe or how much worse they could be and what the judges had to say each time. There isn't any of that with this format. For the most part, we're seeing them once in the whole process basically for a split second. They sing and the judges say goodbye or see you tomorrow and that's IT. And because we keep seeing different people we can't even get a hot spot with anyone. There are a few we saw twice between the 2 days. But their are also ALOT of people we haven't even seen yet. I guarantee we see people sing next week and say to ourselves "where was she last week?!?". Almost 100 people were cut the very first day in Hollywood in a split second and we only saw about 15 people sing!

That's how I'm feeling. Blaming it on the format.

That said, I have reconciled the new format in my head and moved on so I could enjoy it anyway. BUT... let me say this AI producers: The sudden death format.... not so hot. In theory, sure it's great for the judges. As it translates to viewer satisfaction though - not so much. And it IS a t.v. show isn't it? Who came up with the big idea? Look, if you are the person who came up with this brilliant idea while walking your dog and picking up crap with your pooper scooper before work one day and pitched it at the morning concept meeting, email me. We need to chat. Really. Let's talk.

ANYWAY.... I'm making my own razz-ma-tazz in my head after a decidely less than hot audition period. And I do have some favorites already. Among them are as one reader commented Mario Vasquez and Scott Savol. Both of whom had HOT vocal performances both Tues. & Wed. show, and particularly in the dreaded group performance that I hate each year. That group thing is just a train wreck waiting to happen no matter how well you sing. Just craptastic each year. Sorry, I digress. Anyway, Mario and Scott at least sounded good. Very good. Their shortcomings: Mario might have a little too much RuPaul in him to go all the way and Scott... well he's been a bit out there for sure. They both need to get it together if they want to make it much further. I also like the music teacher with the dreadlocks, Anwar. Love his voice. He might be one of those coming in under the radar. Another one I loved from Tues. but didn't see Wed. in the group thing was David Brown. Very good looking, with braids, smooth silky voice. Love him.
Rashida Johnson battling an illness and sounding like a super hot diva despite her loss of voice is another one of my favorites. She just needs to figure out that big girls can be cute with a little longer skirt going on. Too much thigh going on girl. I'm scared that if you bend over your behind will be out - too short.

An entire male group performance I liked was Anwar, Jamar (one of the twins) and Mario. You already know I like Anwar and Mario. The twin can sing his butt off. But simmer down... you are not the lead singer of Journey. You are on American Idol. That's it. Take off those ridiculous gloves and just sing. Funny thing, he's actually good at singing well while doing the antics. The twin brother Lamar.... not so much. Twin #2 jumping around the stage just looked like a fool. He forgot to actually sing. One made it, one didn't. Go figure. Like I said before.... it's not called Twin Idols. Note to the twin that made it: Please spare me the antics next time and just sing. You were about one hop and a yell short of being accused of being a crack addict. I won't say it... yet.

Girls... let's see. An entire girl trio that I liked was the one with the crazy Gypsy Mama Rose parents directing their practice session. Gina's dad was there giving them life's lessons and dance moves and Janay's mama was there writing lyrics on chart paper. The third girl, Natalie, oddly enough didn't need her parents there to ruin her practice session - she did it all by herself with her I'm a choreographer we don't need to know the words right now, just dance psychosis that irritated the other girls. I, however, unlike the judges thought all three of them could sing when it came down to the actual performance. Poor choreographer wannabe Natalie got the short end of the stick though because she was singing with two voices that were soooo much hotter than hers that she almost bored you when it was her turn. She was a Debbie Gibson kinda hot voice while the other 2 were Motown hot voices. Wrong time, wrong place is what got her. Or maybe it was the bright yellow spaghetti strap top with layers of ruffles or whatever that thing was that got her cut. Speaking of outfits, Janay honey... wow. Tuesday's hot yellow jumpsuit... I don't even know what to say. And Wednesday... well I've never seen so much bling on a 17 year old. Maybe her mama bought some of Beyonce's old outfits auctioned on eBay. Complete with jewelry and shoes. BLING! Sold to the highest bidder! Stop trying to look so old honey. Keep in mind that's one of Simon's biggest pet peeves ya'll.

The group with the crazy girl Elizabeth who couldn't remember any words to save her life... well that was all the entertainment we needed. Note to crazy Elizabeth: Your statement to the judges "I'm really good though" should only be said once you've ACTUALLY sung something honey. SINGING involves words and you didn't use any. Stop spending so much time choosing bad outfits that show too much skin and start working on your singing. You are not Britney Spears yet.

The I'm sad these people were cut already category: Farm boy, oh how I loved hearing farm boy in his audition. Girl who sold her wedding ring to get there - she'll need therapy now and her hubby better be pretty understanding about the ring.

Here is my those to watch summary: Gina and Janay from the group performance were both very good. Janay Catine could turn out to be another irritatingly cute 17 year old with a hot voice though. I think she'll be around a while. The older crowd between 26 & 28 years old coming in this year is bringing us some great talent in Rashida Johnson, Mario Vasquez, Scott Savol and Anwar Robinson. Farm girl Carrie Underwood was still alive after Tuesday's show, but then we never saw her perform in the group portion Wednesday. Same goes for my boy David Brown. Hopefully they're still around.

The irritating the H#!! out of me already category: Mikalah Gordon has got to be the most irritating 16 year old I have seen in a long time. You know, the one who is glad she made it so she can finally get her mom those breast implants she's always wanted. What the...?!?! Mom, you both need to be slapped and brought back down to reality. That girl brings more makeup, attitude and inappropriate behavior to the stage than anyone we've seen since the show first aired. And she's 16. Once again... a 16 year old. Aisha the rapping Lil Romeo trapped in a girl's body hasn't been seen yet, so she gets a pass in this category for now. And while I was hoping she was among the first 100 cut the first day in Hollywood, I caught a shot of her in the clip from the upcoming show so somehow she may have made it through. We'll see.

And finally, I've said before that I'm over the judges fights... whatever. Note to AI producers: this does not help viewers (and future voters) feel like their getting a fair and good talent base to choose from when you keep showing the judges fighting over who gets in and who goes home. Once again AI producers... email me. Let's talk. Don't be shy.

I'm out. (and to those of you who laughed at me when I mentioned Debbie Gibson... big whoop. Debbie Gibson was very cool back in the day. So Natalie honey, don't give up your dream. There IS a market for your hot teen pop voice. )

Okay, okay...

2005-02-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

...I got your emails.

Clearly, we're never going to stop blogging all things Idolicious. It's just that six episodes into this new season, I am wildly...underwhelmed.

Where is the Frenchie? Where's the Clay? Where's the Kelly of it all?

Thus far, I've got no one to root for. No one whose ousting would outrage me. And you know who is to blame?

The producers.

They have spent MORE time trying to give us people to laugh at than give us people to root for. Plus, they've spent more time forcing us to watch the antics between Paula, Simon and Randy.

Ack. Blech.

Paula seems, in fact, over the whole AI thing. Simon's on her last nerve. Randy seems bored. And Simon is too busy rolling around his cash to even pay much attention. GET OVER YOURSELVES! We made you rich so ENTERTAIN US! Dance, english boy, DANCE!

What I'm hoping is that next week, things will get down to the nitty gritty. Personalities of the contestants will start to emerge. And there will be someone in the bunch with a voice. A real voice. A Ruben-throw-my-panties-at-the-TV-Fantasia-so-fab-I'm-jealous voice.

Cross your fingers and toes...

Is it just me or...

2005-02-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

...is American Idol 4 WAY BORING compared to earlier seasons? I could not even be bothered to post about the stupid shenanigans of this week's episodes. Maybe next week. When things get down and dirty...

My one comment?

What was up with Paula's bad weave? Did y'all see that? A bad semi-blonde weave stuck up on her head. Not good, Paula. Not good for your face. Not good for the show. NOT. GOOD.

SCAM!

2005-02-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, seriously bummed.

The rapping nanny ain't a rapping nanny at all.

He's Chris Wylde. And he made up the whole story about the nanny gig and used his birth name to get into the room without being recognized. Of course, since I don't know who the heck Chris Wylde is anyway...

I mean, he's not an actual celebrity. Although he is referred to as "comedian, actor and one-time Trading Spaces celeb" on a few sites.

Grrr...

Did the judges know? And, if so, why did they waste our time? And, if not, who got fired for letting him into the room?!!

http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/american_idol_4/2005_Feb_03_chris_wylde

Forgive Me...

2005-02-04T15:07:00.000-08:00

...for not writing sooner.

It's just that I was so grief-stricken after Wednesday night's show that I could not bring myself to speak. The pain, the sorrow, the tears...it was all so much.

"But why, Shonda," you are asking, "why were you so sad?"

Why? WHY? You have to ask why?

Could it not be more obvious?

Did you not feel my pain yourselves?

There was a geeky rapping nanny on television.

A GEEKY RAPPING NANNY.

NANNY. WHO RAPPED. AND WAS GEEKY.

A GEEKY NANNY RAPPER.

On TV. ON TELEVISION. GEEK. And NANNY. AND RAP. Together. IN ONE PERSON.

It was the trifecta of greatness. Of genius. Of everything that is good and pure and magical in this land we call TV. Dear God, it was like candy. But with rapping. And nannies. Which is so much better.

AND HE COULD ACTUALLY THROW DOWN THE RHYMES.

Seriously. Not that I'm a big rap fan. Not that I know much about rap. My knowledge of rap ends at the age of 11 when I could recite all the words to the album Eighth Wonder. My knowledge of raps ends back in a time in which it was still cool to yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is one fire!"

But I thought this boy was good.

AND HE WAS A NANNY.

AND HE WAS A GEEK. With big thick glasses. And a bad haircut. And a lame striped shirt.

Y'all...he was AWESOME in his TV possibilities. He could have his own show. Maybe a sitcom. Called Nanny Rap. Or...oooh, Nanny Rhymes. He could be the star.

I love him. I love Geek Rapping Nanny. LOVE. LO-OVE.

I was busy envisioning the opening credits of Nanny Rhymes in a shining bubble over my head when disaster struck.

Randy said no.

Wha...?

Brandy said no.

WHA...?

Paula said yes.

I held my breath. Eyes closed. Hands clasped in a silent prayer to the TV ratings gods. PLEEEEASE make Geek Rapping Nanny go through to Hollywood. PLEEEEASE. He could throw a wrench into the cog on the American Idol machine. He could turn the show on its ear. We could have the pleasure of ranting about him as week after week he is voted through the next round and yet NEVER SINGS A NOTE.

Can you imagine the possibilities?

Can you dig a year in which I got to rant about Geek Rapping Nanny?!!

For the blog's sake, Simon, PLEASE!

But Simon said no. And Geek Rapping Nanny was ousted. Just like that. Ejected from our landscape. Ripped from our TV screens.

Of course, he yelled a few obscenities along the way so wildly verbose and raunchy that I can't see how anyone could possibly want him watching little kids. You just know he got fired on Thursday after the show aired.

Hopefully, he'll get an agent. And Nanny Rhymes will be coming soon to a TV near you.

Clearly, I'll want royalties.

Cleveland and Orlando...BIG LOVE!

2005-02-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

I went into the episode with few expectations and little excitement. After last week's parade of freakies, I just wasn't sure how much more I could take. How many more mentally unstable individuals I could endure. And I was fully ready to turn off my TV and get on with my evening.

THANK YOU CLEVELAND AND ORLANDO! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1) Three words LL Cool J (is LL one word?): How much do we all love LL Cool J? How adorable is he? How cute is he? How freakin' SWEET is he? The man hugged people. And not like a "cute girls only" thing. NO. The man hugged the big seriously dowdy women. The ones least likely to get any kind of LL juice. I say it now, I fully love LL Cool J for making the dowdy big girls feel good -- especially when they could not sing a note. AND he wasn't mean. Not once. To anybody. Didn't bust anybody's dreams, didn't hurt anybody's feelings, didn't drive anyone to bulimia. LL ROCKS. I am the president of the LL Cool J fan club as of this very minute. WE LOVE YOU, LL!!

2) Innocent Sweet Paula-Adoring Girl. Cute as pie. Voice like an angel. She ain't gonna make it far. She's too tender, too nervous, too scared. Or that could all just be a layer hiding her serious inner diva and she could win the whole thing. Time will tell...

3) Big Down's Syndrome Looking Boy: Look, I am not hating on the Down's Syndrome crowd. No. Love me some Down's Syndrome/Asperger's crowd. Rock on with your Down's/Asperger's selves. All I'm saying is that this guy looked like he was part of the Down's crowd. Good for him. And BOY COULD HE SING! I love me some Down's/Asperger's boy. He had the most incredible voice AND he had the heartbreaking story of the Daddy who didn't believe in him. Can't wait to see him next time.

4) Farm Boy: What up with the farm people this season? First, we had the cow-milking girl and now we have this baby-faced, overall-wearing, square-dancing yahoo. If you missed him, you missed something FABULOUS. What did I tell you about forgetting to set your Tivo? FARM BOY!!!! That boy's voice was like butter. I'm wondering what he's gonna look like once they attack him with the AI stylists for the makeover...

5) The Chubby Sisters: Big and wildly deluded, these two girls were nonetheless sweet to watch. One had the better voice, the other had the confidence and together they must weigh in at over 600 pounds. They were bubbly, friendly and incredibly bonded -- one cried when the other was rejected. Neither had a snowball's chance in Fiji of making it to the next round, but the judges were kind to them. SIMON was even moved to join a judges' group hug for one of the girls. Just proves that Simon is softening as he becomes more Americanized. And in the case of the one who could sing, it also proves that once again, you can't be as big as Ruben and make it if you are female.

6) Freaky Phantom of the Opera Girl: She had blue hair, Goth makeup and she sang opera. You had to see it to believe it. It's highly possible that Freaky Phantom could be in the top five. Blue hair and all.

7) My least favorite: the "They Said I Would Never Speak Again, I Look Like Clay Aiken Cause I'm Geeky" boy. Look, have a story. Be a geek. It's all good. And he could sing fine (not in the same zip code as Clay, though). But that boy milked the "childhood illness, I'm a good sweet person" thang DRY. I hated him. I couldn't help it. I just didn't buy his "aw shucks" mid-western good boy act. Love him if you want to. But I wanted to punch him in the head. And I'm a pacifist.

8) Pink Poncho Whitney Wacko: She wore a pink poncho. She sang The Greatest Love of All. And she said it best when she told the AI confession cam that, "when I hear the sound coming out of my voice, I wonder where it's coming from." Me too, crazy girl. ME. TOO. I sing better. ME. The girl who can't carry a tune in the SHOWER. The girl who can't IMAGINE a song in tune. You don't see me in a pink poncho singing for Randy, Simon and Paula, do you? Let me reiterate a rule that my sister and I put out there early on. We call it AI Rule #1: Don't you dare sing Whitney unless you a) ARE Whitney, b) are FANTASIA or c) are TAMYRA. And let me also take a moment to remind you of Rule #2: CRACK IS WHACK! Stop smoking it, Poncho Girl.

9) I think her tribal name would be "Sings Chain of Fools/Dresses Like A Blind Man". She could seriously sing. And she knew it. Which was annoying. But what was downright terrifying was her belief that it was okay to wear not only hot pink and lime green together but to wear one hot pink shoe and one lime green shoe. You know when that works? When the decade is the 1980s. When you are starring in the film "Valley Girl." When puppies fly. When hell freezes over, blood runs in the streets, Superman flies around the world to turn back time and Cyndi Lauper is number one on the charts again. Here's hoping the fashion police arrest her before she makes it to Hollywood.

And last but certainly not least...

10) JAMES BROWN. The only person who loved him was Paula. And me. LOVED. HIM. Don't care that he was kind of odd. Don't care that he pressed his hair. Don't care that he was imitating the Godfather of Soul. I found him totally riveting. RIVETING. Three words. RIV. ET. ING. Even if I'm not totally sold on his singing talent. He's a total wild card in the competition. Plus he was serious Queen -- I always have love for the Queens. PLUS he did the splits on command -- he's all Michael Jackson without the issues. Go on with your bad self, James B! Let's see what America makes of him.

That was our night. Here's hoping tomorrow is even more enjoyable...

I wonder if Leroy wore his crunk teeth to jail?

2005-01-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that after working sooooo hard to get his 10 minutes of fame, poor Leroy Wells of New Orleans audition fame ended up watching his big moment on a jail house t.v.

I do not make this stuff up people.

Here is EOnline's amusing take...

That's all. Leroy... well, Leroy needs to get a life - and a apparently now, a good lawyer.

I'm out.

Vegas Baby!

2005-01-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

I think I've finally figured out how this show goes.

As the weeks go on, the producers spend less and less time mocking the mentally ill and more and more time showing us those who can sing.

At least I hope so.

Because Vegas was almost painless.

Almost.

Yes, there were the usual idiots who marched in and howled bad Elvis tunes with the misguided notion that it is better to be bad on TV than never to be on TV at all. Many many idiots. But there were also more talented singers on this show than the last three episodes.

My fave? The cute sixteen year old girl (who looked 25 -- what up with the teenagers trying to look older? I'd kill to look sixteen again!). She was wonderful. Her voice deep and brassy and different.

The rest. Well good. But I'm getting impatient.

I want to make it to Hollywood. As a viewer, I mean -- y'all know I can't carry a tune in a bucket. But I long for Hollywood. I want to hit the point where the competition gets jaw-droppingly ugly. I want the vocal beatdown to begin.

Here's hoping next week is a little more exciting.

Proof that crack don't smoke itself...

2005-01-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

Leroy Wells.

Leroy Wells, ya'll.

sigh...... come on ya'll. I can't take it.

Leroy Wells told Simon he needed to get crunk and needed to put Jesus 1st. It should be said that Leroy had to be told which one of them was Simon. It should also be said that Leroy was just a crack smoking fool. A crack smoking fool who brought his removable gold crunk teeth (cause that will get him to Hollywood, right?). Yep, removable gold tooth caps. Uhhmmm.....

And just when we thought it was all too whack.... Leroy shows us he is just a dumb A&% wasting our time trying to get a shout out on t.v. ..... just in case we didn't get that already.

Crunk teeth in: Leroy says "These are for t.v."
Crunk teeth out: "These are for your mommy and daddy."

Alrighty then. Let's move on to some more crack smokers...

Sundeep the accountant: Song choice - The Eye of the Tiger from Rocky. Always a sign. And indeed it was. He left the room and told the camera "The voice was in 1 tone. I needed to mix it up with the tones. No child, you needed to be able to SING! Don't quit your day job - or dressing as a pimp for Halloween.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show contestant: Gene Simmons actually barked in the middle of his song. Simon said he should be wearing ladies underwear and wearing red lipstick. Like I said... Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This was just not right.

In fact... even I, the ultimate Idol worshipper, am a little irritated. Just a little. I'm all for bringing the funny Idol. But come on now. I'm ready to see at least 10 people who can sing. We need to see more SINGERS this year. Right now we're averaging 2 per show that are even memorable - for the right reasons. Speaking of two...

The twin thing... let it die people. There is only ONE winner... this is not Twin Idols. Why keep beating this dead horse?

Alright. So far we've seen alot of people off their medication, guest judging that has made me say a big so what and Paula and Simon bickering way more than is tolerable. Get on with it now. I want to hear me some SINGING!

Like I said... Crack don't smoke itself.

I'm out.

WOW... it's worse than ever...

2005-01-22T10:02:00.000-08:00

I know you talked about this Shonda... but this is really serious.

The delusional tendancies that seem to spreading across the country are growing to such an epidemic that the world health organization needs to bust out the lab equipment and start taking water, air and soil samples. Beware. You could be next. Apparently EVERYONE is coming down with it. My contact at the health department says they started tracking cases of it last year. It's called Imastar Delusionitist Disorder. That's the name of this horrible disease that seems to have taken over the world. So appropriately abbreviated: I.D. disorder.

Big Ego Mama and16 year old Aashia who are sure Aashia is the next Lil Romeo - (trapped in a girl's body) have caught it. But don't be scared ya'll. Lil Aashia won't hold up under the pressure of the group sessions in the next round or if she somehow does, Country Week. But rest assured we're sure to see her in the next Missy Elliot video.

Johnny has it and it has spread to his entire family apparently. "My family loves my voice. They've adored me since I was 3 or so." he said. And then he opened his mouth and the judges laughed. Well Johnny, what we love of a 3 year old is not so cute when you're 20 now is it? But it's not his fault. His whole family has got it. They're telling him he can sing.

Adam and Dirk the freaky friends have it. Before Dirk enters the room we see him telling the camera that "All my friends tell me to just stay calm and relaxed..." AS IF this is his only problem??? Dirk walks in and breaks into a David Hasselhoff number. Are you serious? (That's what Simon wanted to know too.) Yep, Dirk and his friends have it. Then his buddy Adam walks in trying to be all fly and ghetto wannabe (You hear a "friend" of his out in the hall yell "Get crunk!" as he's opening the door - WHA...!?!?!). He does a Simon Cowell impersonation and begins to tell Paula how she was his 1st musical inspiration with her Opposites Attract video. But Adam can't remember whether the cartoon character she danced with was a fox or a bobcat. When they tell him it was a cat he looks bewildered and says "Whatever" and goes on about how if he is on the show America will watch. The judges can't do anything else after this point but laugh. But even still Adam leaves the room and tells the camera "They really thought I was good".

O.k. this was certainly I.D. disorder. A confirmed case - even without testing. Someone please hold him down and swab him for a sample so we can quarantine him. Maybe I've been watching too much CSI or Medical Investigaton, but I know my diseases. And he had it bad.

Now we also had Jessica in her pink polka dot halter. "Somewhere over the Rainbow... Way up High....There's a place where delusional singers go to cry...." That is, after they're laughed out of the room by the judges telling them they should consider doing voice overs for the Rugrats.... Insane. Poor Jessica. You also have it.

Now I think the carrier of I.D. disorder was there as well. He has to be where this disorder originated and now he's spreading it all over the country by attending these auditions. It has to be him. Yep, Shonda was right on with Brian McKnight Wannabe. And even though you've already told this story Shonda I MUST relive it. I simply must. I am STILL laughing and rewinding this one. Mild mannered, boring looking, insurance agent type, Maurice Thomas. We see Maurice telling the camera before he goes in "My family have told me I can sing like Brian McKnight." And you just know he can sing right? Well no. I knew. I saw all the signs and diagnosed him before he entered the room. .... No Maurice... don't do it.... Stop...... But it's too late. He sings.

My family have told me I can sing....
Come on, I know I'm good...
I know I can sing real well...
I have been told that I sound like Brian McKnight....

Paula chokes. Randy says "WHA......!!!!!" in that high pitch tone of disbelief. But Simon's curiosity gets the best of him and he asks him if he knows any Brian McKnight songs.

Well, curiosity killed the cat as they say. Both that cat and Maurice's dream of being a singer are hopefully VERY dead. And Shonda is right. This is the moment of the season. Maurice, you are the Biggest Loser. Oh wait, that's another show about something entirely different. Where being a loser is good. What am I talking about? Hhhmmm..... speaking of losers... let's talk about those triplets. Losers, only because they thought they could back into the competition on the triplet factor alone, they actually did not have it. They were clear on the fact that the one sister was the better singer of the 3. They were clear on the fact that they were a little "curvatious" as the one put it. (they just didn't like being told that on national t.v.) NOW... one could argue that the choice of dresses proves they DID have it. But I think not. That was just trailer ho fashion sense masquerading as I.D. disorder. Besides, it's the manufacturer's fault for making that dress in their size to begin with.

Don't worry, it's all good America. Yes, it's contagious, but only those who seem to be particularly suited to delusional tendancies are affected. Not to be confused with "Affected"...

Affected. There's that word again already. That's a whole 'nother conversation. ANYWAY...

Don't become the latest victim of I.D. Disorder. My sources tell me it's not easily cured. Until a cure is found here are some tips to help you avoid it. Listen to yourself on tape. Video tape your performance. Watch it over and over again until you are clear on this one important point. You cannot now, nor will you ever be able to sing. Still think you have talent? Take the public transportation to another nearby city where you can be sure no one knows you. Go out to any corner and sing. Sing at the top of your lungs. If these perfect strangers tell you "Wow you should be a professional singer" then, and only then, should you even BEGIN to consider a career change.

But in the mean time, we'll continue to enjoy all the delusions of grandeur for the next few weeks. Bring on the funny!!!! Bring it on Idol!!!

I'm out.

Three is the magic number...

2005-01-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Big love for the triplets -- one of whom could sing, two of whom couldn't, all THREE of whom wore the tackiest pink tube minidress that Walmart has to offer.

Best moment?

The talented one exits the audition room after being given the boot. One of her sisters is crying. "I'm just mad that he called us fat on national TV," she wails. The talented one rolls her eyes, "We ARE fat!"

You gotta love the spunk.

That's right. You heard me. Spunk. I don't care if it's 2005. I don't care if spunk went out with Mary Tyler Moore. I used the word "spunk." I'm trying to help the word spunk make a comeback.

Second best moment?

Crying triplet to the American Idol confessional cam: "I can't believe he called us fat! My sister only weighs 160 pounds-"

From off-camera: Muffled sounds of horror.

Crying triplet: "Okay. 150 pounds. Anyway-"

From off-camera: "WHY WOULD YOU SAY MY WEIGHT ON NATIONAL TV!!!!????"

Crying triplet: "They're never going to put this on the air!"

Spunk.

And some stupidity.

Hee hee.

"My family say I can sing..."

2005-01-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night's broadcast had only three highlights. Two of which garner a mention here and one of which, Sandie and I just can't stop talking about...

First, the easy mentions:

1) Osbourne Smith, son of a baseball legend. I know nothing about baseball. Nothing about St. Louis. But I thought Osbourne was infectious and sweet and I was SO RELIEVED he could sing. Because nothing would have been sadder than seeing the son of someone famous make a fool of himself on national TV. Go, Ozzie Jr.

2) Cow-milking girl. Don't remember her name. But I DO remember her pipes. That girl can SANG. Can't you picture her crooning to her cows down in Oklahoma? Plus, she was -- unlike so many of the contestants last night -- actually humble and sweet. The bravado steaming off some of those people was unbelievable. Most notable in the "I'm All That and A Bucket of Chicken" category was the rapping person I like to call the Afrocentric version of It's Pat -- was it a man or was she really a woman like she said? -- who talked A LOT of trash as did her mama.

(Side note: what is up with all the fat mamas with talented kids? Is being overweight a prerequisite for helping your child get vocal skills? And why is always a mama? Where are the fat daddies? WHY ARE ALL THE PROUD MAMAS FAT?!!)

3) And then there was the man. Let's call him Brian McKnight Wannabe (BKW). BKW walked into that room, opened his mouth and...well, dogs died, babies screamed and blood poured from stones. He was a vocal Apocalypse. But that wasn't what made him so perfectly hysterically funny. No. What made my boy BKW a laugh riot was what happened after.

Y'all, BKW thought he had talent. FOR REAL. FOR. REAL.

Not since William Hung have we seen such a deluded individual. Paula, Randy and Simon told BKW no. Did BKW take the hint and go? No. He slowly walked to the door. Pausing every few steps to look back at the judges. As if to say "You're just joking when you say no, right?" Pausing to look back as if to say "You really mean yes, don't you?" Pausing as if to simply ask "Wha...?"

Finally, Simon called him back in. And BKW uttered the words that will be burned into American Idol lore right beside the famous William Hung line "I have no professional training of singing or dancing."

BKW said "My family say I can sing...My friends say I can sing...People say I sound like Brian McKnight."

At which point, soda shot out of Paula's nose.

Seriously. Slow down your Tivo and watch the Pepsi spray. And then watch the looks on Randy and Simon's faces when BKW busts out singing a Brian McKnight song. I use the word "singing" in the loosest possible sense. Here, the word "singing" is clearly meant to be synonymous only with "howling". Or "braying". Or perhaps "sounds that make you vomit and/or crap your pants when you hear them."

My family say I can sing...My friends say I can sing...

WHO IS IN HIS FAMILY? WHO ARE HIS FRIENDS? Clearly, he was raised by kindly deaf mutes. Clearly, his friends are deaf as well. And, to the people who told him he sounded like Brian McKnight? PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPES!

America, this is going to be a long audition period.

Crazies, Cuties and A Mama Who Sold Her Wedding Ring

2005-01-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

So now we know why the government needs to raise its funding for programs helping the mentally ill.

Seriously.

Call your congressman.

Right now. RIGHT. NOW. I'll wait.

OH MY GOD!

I have been waiting and waiting and waiting ever since the moment the confetti rained down on Fantasia for the moment AI would storm back into our lives. I have dreamed of this day. I was freakin' Martin Luther King, I was dreaming so hard.

Dream? HA! Nightmare.

Did we think it could get weirder than Scat Girl and William Hung? I mean, seriously, did you even dare to believe that the world held anyone more wacko than SCAT GIRL? More deluded than William Hung? HOW COULD IT BE POSSIBLE?

And yet...

...yet...

...oh, dear god, make the lambs stop screaming....

....there was Mary Roach. Or, as I like to call her: Sybil.

Sybil's vocal chords hosted a wide range of terifying yet strangely compelling noises. None of which could be considered singing. Sybil's head...well, Sybil's head hosted a cocktail party of chatter.

I have said it before. And I will say it again. It is wrong to mock the mentally ill on national TV.

Wrong. And bad. Bad. And wrong.

And SO FREAKIN' FUNNY I thought I would pee my pants laughing.

Oh, Sybil. Thanks for the memories.

There was the poor, poor girl who proudly showed off her black polyester fashion mistake and told us that you don't have to be rich to look classy. The one who proclaimed that she wasn't a crazy, that she really really could sing. Guess what?

SHE WAS CRAZY.

Hee hee. Oh, it was mean. The worst was the poor man who used to be an alcoholic -- I think he referred to himself as 5.9% -- and declared that he'd only discovered he could sing a couple of weeks ago. Then he sang. Or I guess I should say "sang". Guess what?

HE WAS CRAZY.

The weird guy with the purple headband who sang a song from Annie and held the notes so long I was sure his head would explode. The bizarre genetic accident that produced Toni Braxton's cousin. The two girls who lost their minds when cast out. The woman who thought she looked like Madonna but actually looked like Roseanne.

CRAZY. CRAZY. CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY.

Ah, good times.

But really, mocking the mentally ill is not what Idol means to me. Idol is about singing. Really. It is. You may not be able to tell during these first weeks of audition shows but, trust me, people on the show actually SING. In TUNE. For REAL. And a few of them were showcased tonight.

My faves?

Well, I try not to get too attached this early in the game. Because some good soldiers are taken out early. Because I have yet to get over the Frenchie Ousting of 2003. Because Goat Girl made it through to the top 12.

But I did find some people to potentially shower with my love:

1) Metal Rocker Babe: Head banging rocker with the voice of an angel. Plus he was adorably cheerful and very pleasant to look at. Built in soap opera what with him leaving his street cred and his band behind to follow his pop star dreams. Prediction? Teenage girls are gonna LOVE him.

2) Dreadlocks Man: Middle school choir teacher with the voice of an angel. Adorably cheerful. Pleasant to look at. No built in soap story but PLENTY of good will for working with kids. Middle aged mamas are gonna LOVE him.

3) Human Beat Box Boy: Middle class rap kid. Voice of angel. Adorably cheerful, pleasant to look...yada, yada, yada. You get the drift. Woman are gonna LOVE him.

4) And there was the woman. I didn't catch her name. She was the married mama who sold her wedding rings to come to the audition and pursue her dreams of becoming the next American Idol. Now, y'all know when she told about pawning her rings, I was praying she could sing. PRAYING. Because if she could sing, pawning her rings becomes a lovely heartwarming story of struggle and self-belief. If she couldn't sing, then dude, that chick joins the long line of CRAZIES. Lucky for her, she could sing. Now, she wasn't my personal fave (did I mention three hotties with adorably cheerful personalites and voices like angels?) but she was the most emotional story of the night. She doesn't have a chance of winning the competition but I hope she makes it past the first serious cut. So she can afford to get her rings back.

Lessons learned?

A) Don't sing the national anthem unless you are Whitney Houston.

B) Don't try to dance and sing at the same time. Unless you are Michael Jackson (sans molesting).

C) Don't go to an audition in spandex or polyester or any other man-made fiber. Unless you are in the movie Flashdance and the year is 1983.

D) Don't listen to your friends when they tell you that you can sing. Unless your friends are Simon, Paula and Randy.

E) Call your congressman about helping the mentally ill. CALL NOW. I'll wait.

It Returns...

2005-01-10T10:02:00.000-08:00

...like a phoenix from the ashes, like a sailor to the sea.

It comes. Returning to us. A great behemoth that will devour all other network ratings.

A place of song. Of seventies tunes. Of Paula's platitudes and Randy's "dawgs". Of bad dance numbers and even worse solo acts.

Of Simon's insults.

And somewhere out there is the new Spawn of Satan. A new young bad singer with no talent whom America will embrace and love, a person we will inevitably LOATHE WITH A VENGEANCE.

A bad singer who gives this blog a reason to live.

Aaah.

I can't wait...

One out of 2 ain't bad...

2004-12-11T06:29:00.001-08:00

I guess all that is Idol isn't always good. Case in point: the two Christmas Specials. Only one of which was actually a Christmas Special.

The Kelly, Ruben and Fantasia thing should have been called 'Promote my upcoming CD in a Mini made for T.V. concert' . Now you know I wouldn't miss a chance to hear Ruben and Fantasia perform. BUT... I was just thinking I was getting at least something remotely holidayish and well... holiday music... uuhhhmmm...no. Alright they gave us 2 church numbers and called it Xmas I guess.

So-so dresses, questionable makeup and the usual bad jewelry plagued our girls Kelly and Tasia. And maybe Ruben escaped criticism only because he changed outfits just once.

The singing was just mediocre from both girls, and actually Kelly was horribly out there on the beginning of Breakaway (a song that I really like). Ruben was smooth as usual, but again nothing to keep around on tape.

Shonda enjoyed it. Me... not so much. I was disappointed. It has been deleted from my TiVo. (And I still re-watch LAST year's Xmas show - that's how much I like to hear an Idol Xmas ya'll.)

Don't get me wrong. It was what it was. I just thought we were getting a holiday show though.

Now.... Clay "easy-listening" Aiken....

He got it. He just said no to all the costumes and monster audiences and had the I'm in my living room talking with friends thing going on. I was hoping he would not disappoint me and he didn't .
A few choice Christmas tunes shared between guests Barry Manilow, Yolanda Adams and a friend he brought in to sing the classic duet he and K-Lo sang last year (Silver Bells) and all was good. Ladies I don't remember Clay sounding this silky. But he was certainly smooth and silky that night ya'll.

Now Barry Manilow is the man, the legend, the star of all stars to sing smooth silky tunes with. And he's still got it. He sounded great. But.... can we just talk for a minute? I mean really talk? Before I start let me say this: Do NOT write me about dissing Barry. I LOVES me some Barry Manilow... own all the music he's made. But come on, ya'll know Barry was a little theatrical and over the top with his moves at times and I wasn't even sure he was singing that first tune he was so theatrical. (Barry certainly has no reason to lip sync so I know that wasn't the case) And... well, he is aging - which he can't help. But.... well.... I'll just tell what my 6 year old said:

"Wow, that guy's face is scary." And then at the end of the song when Clay came over to talk to him he said: "Wait a minute. Are there 2 Clays? I mean, they just look kinda like the same person Mom. "

Hhmmm... what's that they say? .... "Out of the mouths of babes".... or no, maybe it's ....

"If you can't say something nice"... Yeah, that's the one.

ANYWAY, Barry is the man like I said, and he can do anything he wants. He still sounds good.
Now special guest Meagan Mullaly was hot as well. Hot. We all know her as the crazy Karen on Will and Grace. But she IS a broadway diva (soooo right up Clay's alley) and she sounded G-O-O-D. Along with Meagan we also got to enjoy the queen of gospel herself Yolanda Adams. Loved, loved her performance and she added some personality to the trio when she, Barry and Clay teamed up for some good holiday singing.

Everyone was dressed in classic clothing. Clay looked comfortable and classic and the ladies added the sparkle. It was certainly geared towards a slightly more sophisticated crowd, but you know, I'll take that too. A little fake snow, some twinkling lights and most of all some good holiday music. That's all we wanted people. As much as you hate to admit it Shonda, you know Clay got it right.

That's all we wanted. ((((sigh)))))

I'm out.

Wednesday Night on NBC...

2004-12-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

...Well Shonda...The Clay himself will be on to steal your Christmas Wednesday night.

Personally, I say: Get over it. I loves me some Clay. LOVE......

alright...

So here's the thing people. As much as we love to agree with Shonda and her love of seeing the Idols all together in everything that is good and right with bad choreography and matchy poo poo outfits with lots of fur and sweat (poor Ruben), we have to admit that Clay Aiken's voice is just tailor made for a Barry Manilow, swanky crooning Christmas special.

No BahHumbugs here girl. Nope. None at all. I'm trying to have a little empathy Shonda, I am.

But apparently not enough....

Sing Clay Sing!!!! Sing loud and bring it with your guest stars Barry and Yolanda Adams! SING!!!!!!

(((((breathe))))) Alright. Do not disappoint me Clay. SING!

I'm out.

Idol up in January

2004-12-04T14:39:00.000-08:00

Back and reloaded with bad talent galore, Idol is now advertising the season 4 pitiful, I think I can be the next Idol, but really Randy is just gonna laugh his butt off at me, beginnings.

January 18 & 19th.

Get ready.

Lisa Leuschner

2004-12-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well... we haven't heard anything about my girl Lisa Leuschner. Big voice, big personality, and according to her, big butt, Lisa. It was all good.

I LOVED me some Lisa.

Nobody better be talking bad about Lisa.

Actually.... nodody's talking about Lisa at all.

Hhhmm... until today.

Our friend TAD wrote in to give us an update on Lisa's career after she was dissed by those crack smoking judges who decided she wouldn't even get to sing in the Wild Card round. Remember that? Remember? Oh you know I was talking crazy after that show. But apparently while we weren't looking she snuck off and signed a record deal anyway.

Lisa's current release is a holiday CD with a variety of popular tunes and I think Lisa hits a high with that strong and soulful voice that we loved, loved, loved.

Did I mention that I loved her? O.K., I guess I might have said it once or twice. Back off.

ANYWAY... Lisa's CD is titled Sing Me Home and is on Succession Records. You can check it out at: http://www.successionrecords.com/. I previewed two tracks and clicked the Buy Me button immediately. Go on Lisa with your bad self!

TAD also says that Lisa will be releasing her first non-holiday CD early next year. Until then, I'm happy with Christmas music if that's all I've got.

Thanks TAD. Now I will be able to sit back and listen to Lisa belt out some soul and all will be good and right in the world of divaliscous music.

I'm out.

Ruben!

2004-11-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

Our boy spent Turkey Day in the hospital.

Why, you ask?

Were his lungs being crushed by his enormous girth, you ask?

HATERS!

No, Ruben's illness was that ever-popular diva-illness known simply as "exhaustion."

You know, I have been exhausted all kinds of times in my life but never, ever has anyone whisked me off to the hospital for it. You know what you do when you are exhausted?

Sleep.

You know where you sleep? At home, in your bed. Or in a hotel suite. Or on the floor behind the dancers backstage at your concert.

ANYWHERE.

You know where you never get any sleep? The hospital. Because at 4 am some crazy nurse is poking you and prodding you and sticking a thermometer where no one ever intended a thermometer to go. At midnight, some psycho patient down the hall is screaming. And all day it's visitors and doctors and vomiting noises. No one sleeps in a hospital.

Exhaustion.

Right.

The Clay Who Stole Christmas

2004-11-18T15:59:00.000-08:00

See? This is why I don't like him. Mr. Clay will not be participating in the Idol Christmas special on Fox because (as I just heard this morning on the Today Show) Mr. Clay will be starring in his VERY OWN Christmas special on NBC.

Thus, ruining Christmas for everybody who needed to see their Idol Gods together in one place singing in order to be happy.

He's Scrooge.

He's Greedy McScrooge.

Ack. Blech. And bah-freaking-humbug.

IDOL CHRISTMAS

2004-11-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

Well, all the details of the Idol Christmas special are out of the bag!

Gear yourselves up for what will hopefully be a great show on November 24th. The hour long special on FOX called Kelly, Ruben and Fantasia: Home for the Holidays features just that, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barrino.

I'm giving it a chance ya'll, but honestly I can't see how they'll top the super fluff, fur trimmed, snowy staged, 20 ft lighted Christmas tree extravaganza from last year that included the power of Tamyra and the charm of Clay (who's persona, let's face it, screams: I am a Christmas special waiting to happen). I don't know.

What am I talking about? Obviously I can't miss an Idol performance. But it is on up against what would be considered some pretty stiff competition in our house: CBS's airing of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Setting the TiVo.

I'm out.

Upcoming Idol CD Releases

2004-11-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

Ruben Studdard's next project is already cut and will drop in November. There are conflicting reports about the actual date as press reports have this release set as Nov. 2nd and Amazon.com and BET have it set at Nov 23rd. Whatever the date, I Need An Angel is the title of this new CD and the title track is already getting airplay. This venture is gospel - which shouldn't surprise anyone out there really. Some old standards, like Amazing Grace, as well as some brand new stuff written by artists such as R. Kelly are crooned by the big guy. I've a heard a bit of this CD and MAN is he as smooth as ever. I don't go shop in music stores anymore (only online) so check your local store to see if it's out yet.

Also around Nov. 23rd, Fantasia Barrino will release her debut album Free Yourself. This CD features collaborations with some well know artists such as Missy Elliott and Jermaine Dupri. Included are some of her more memorable Idol tunes, Summertime and You Were Always on My Mind, as well as plenty on new music. I'm a little scared of tracks with names like Baby Mama and Don't Act Right (come on Tasia!)... no previews of these yet so we'll have to wait and see!

Kelly Clarkson's new album Breakaway is slated for release on Nov. 30th. The title track, "Breakaway", has already topped the charts due to it's success as part of the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack.

LOVING the sounds of George Huff's short but sweet 5 song Christmas CD. George is sounding smoother than ever on these classic holiday numbers. The CD is titled George Huff Xmas and was released this week.

While I don't have too many details yet about this one, I have heard that Diana DeGarmo's first album effort Blue Skies will be released on or around Dec. 7.

And last, but not least, Clay Aiken releases a classic Christmas album this year. The album, titled Merry Christmas With Love, is already the number 2 best seller on Amazon.com in anticipation of it's Nov. 16th release date.

I'll update you as I hear more about these releases and have a chance to listen to a few more.

I'm out.

Fantasia to appear on American Dreams

2004-11-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

Fantasia will be the great Aretha Franklin on the show American Dreams Sunday, Nov. 14th. Parts of the show feature today's performers portraying legendary performers in their American Bandstand appearances.

I don't normally watch the show, but I won't miss our girl Tasia singing RESPECT!

Letting you all know I'm gonna TiVo me some Tasia this weekend!

I'm out.

Tick, tick, tick...

2004-10-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hear that?

That's the sound of the clock ticking down the minutes to the holidays.

Why do we care about the holidays?

Because that's when Fox in all its greed will start pimping its past American Idol winners and runners-up with HOLIDAY SPECIALS!

Whoo-hoo!

Remember last year? Kelly Clarkson looking horribly pregnant while belting out beautiful renditions of Christmas carols? Ruben sweating under the lights as he performed a gorgeous duet with Tamyra?

Y'all, I can feel the tingle in my nerve endings.

It's coming.

Fantasia singing with Ruben.

It's coming sooner than we think.

WHOO-HOO!!!

2004-08-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

We got our first comment!!!

Tony asks:
"What do you think about the judges turning away R & B singers in DC, and the expressed heavy interest in pop singers."

Well...I guess I think the same thing I think about the judges reportedly turning away overweight singers this year. And what I think about that is this:

Wha...?

Yep. You heard me.

Wha...?

It's like the surly Englishman has NO idea that 1) R&B music is hugely popular and makes tons of money and B) most of America is overweight and tends to warm to and identify with overweight celebs. Plus 3) Ruben. As in Studdard. The overweight R&B singing sensation that gave AI it's highest rated season ever.

Here's the thing though. People like to stick with what seems to be the established norm. Even despite all evidence to the contrary that a change is wanted and desired. And pop is the established norm. Skinny pop singing girls are the pinnacle of the established norm.

Don't get me wrong. I like pop. I can Avril Lavigne-Britney-boy band with the best of them. But can I please point out that Kelly Clarkson sings R&B. Ruben sings R&B. Fantasia sings R&B. And Clay...well, he sings Vegas. None of the big Idol people sing pop. So why, suddenly, must we do the pop thing?

WHY?

Any thoughts?

Getting Geared Up...

2004-08-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

...for the next season of AI insanity. Thus, we now have added a comments section where you -- yes, YOU -- can join the discussions, the jeering, the laughter.

I'm so proud of myself for even figuring out how to set this comments thing up. Technologically, I'm practically Amish.

There will be more and more posts from us as the summer ends and things get back into gear. So...enjoy!

Well.... the freak show has started

2004-08-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

They're baaaaaaaack......

Just up the road were the first of the auditions. Over 15,000 people showed up Wednesday in Cleveland. Waiting around in near 90 degree temperatures just to be told "YOU SUCK!"
Well... not yet. This round of eliminations is just the producers pick. They don't get to be told rude things until they face Randy, Paula and Simon in the next few days. All that waiting and only about 750 of those 15,000 will even get to torture the judges. They wittled that massive crowd down to 750?!? No thanks. Cause let's face it people, we're a little more savvy AI viewers now - I mean, we know that 95% of those 750 people chosen were chosen for pure entertainment value alone. They might as well put up billboards at each location saying: Get your big t.v. break here. No talent needed.

But it's all good. We love a good audition show don't we? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a freaky audition. I just can't wait to see what changes we'll see related to the new higher age limit. Simon spent alot of the first 3 seasons telling people who could really sing that they were "too old". But after he was a guest judge on a hugely popular spin off put on by Oprah, I think Simon left Oprah's Pop Star Challenge thinking 2 things: Man I'm losing out on some incredible slightly older talent and the viewers it would bring. And 2nd: If I see one more giggling, bubbling 18 year old getting all the votes I'll slit my wrists.

Ya'll know I loves me some Ruben, Fantasia and Diana. If they can actually sing, I don't care how old they are (or aren't in this case). Just bring on a good performance. That said, I do think there's something to that more mature feeling that those performers brought to Oprah's Pop Star Challenge. I mean, those kids are all so young they're singing disco, Motown and whatnot from a time period they know nothing about. You can't get your full disco groove on when you've never even heard of Donna Summer! They probably don't even know who half those guest judges are! Now that's a valid point and you know it.

Whatever the age of the contestants, it'll be hard to top the overall drama and talent in AI3's season.... but we'll see what happens.

I'm out.

p.s. - I was gonna audition... what with the close proximity of the whole thing and the age limit hiked up. WHAT... I think I can pass for 28! I just didn't go cause I couldn't get the time off work. Plus my hairdresser was all out of bad weave hair. Must have been sold out - the AI3 tour was in town last weekend and now the auditions too?!? Nope, not enough bad hair to go around the city this week.

Tour coming to a city near you!

2004-07-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

The AI3 tour appears to be on track to be far better than tours of past. According to the Entertainment Tonight spot, this year's idols appear to be more than one big show choir on stage. The music being performed will include many hot covers from some great artists we all know. I suspect this is in part due to the fact that the talent this year is actually able to pull off some big name tunes. I mean, come on, the best Goat Girl and Kim Lite could manage was a mediocre Olivia Newton-John. A recent ET spot featured Fantasia singing Purple Rain and other members of the group rehearsing some good stuff as well. I may have to go see this one afterall... except that I fear I'll be lost in a sea of screaming teens half my age... sigh.... ahhh the life of an old AI lover.

Check the tour dates and see if it's coming to you on the American Idol site.

Read more about it and see some video footage at ET online...

Tasia working with the big dawgs

2004-07-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

Fantasia is reportedly working with some of the biggest dawgs in the music biz these days as she begins work on her new album. P. Diddy and Missy Elliot are among the names floating around Miss Tasia at this time. The massively successful P. Diddy has the formula to beat all when it comes to producing music that shoots to the top. And I'm sure, as always, he'll be seen in the videos and be heard rapping on the track somewhere. That, along with his successful sound, is most definitely his trademark when working with new artists. Can't slip an opportunity to be seen past Diddy ya'll... Just kidding... luv ya P.

If this is true, it should be no surprise to anyone really that these mega star producers/artists are jumping on this hot new talent. At this time, the information comes from Tasia's mouth during an ET spot about the tour. We'll see what the final product is though. I'm just hoping it's not a long drawn out delivery and we get to see that CD before next year.

I'm out.

Fantasia opens at #1 on Billboard...

2004-07-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

Miss Tasia opens on the Billboards hot 100 chart at #1 knocking Usher, of all people, out of the number one spot. Read a bit about it here...

...so what was the point anyway? (And other music news...)

2004-06-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

Alright. So what exactly was the point of claiming the winner would be releasing "HER" new single (the oh so grand I Believe). You know, as if the song was specifically for the winner and it would forever more be her song. Hhhhmm.... What was that all about?

In reality both girls are releasing the very same song as part of their debut single. Huh? Miss Tasia's 3 track single is out and she's good. G-o-o-d, yummyliscious good. Miss Diana's single will be released on the 29th. It will feature Don't Cry Out Loud, Dreams (the other song that Tasia sang the final night)and yes, I Believe. I say again... Huh?

Fantasia's single is number 4 on the overall top seller list on Amazon.com and number 3 on the top selling Pop list. Diana is preselling at number 16 on the overall top seller list.

If you like Gospel music you can also enjoy Fantasia and the entire Barrino family on their album Miracles. In some of the video clips on AI3, Tasia spoke about her family trying to get their music out there. In 2000 they released a gospel album with 15 year old Fantasia singing on some of the tracks. Those of you who are bound to jump on the hater bandwagon with an accusation that she shouldn't win if she's already recording music can just hang it all up. The official rules state that you cannot have been signed to a contract. But many, many up and coming artists have recorded music along the way in hopes of making it. Recording is not against the rules.

Other Idols coming around are:

Josh Gracin - released his self titled album on June 15th on Hollywood Records. I'll refrain from screaming right now out of respect for those of you that somehow liked him (all 15 of you). Reviews are missed - too simple they say. Alright, but simple. Hhhhmmm.... o.k.

Tamyra Gray - If you go to buy K-Lo's CD right now on Amazon.com you'll see them pairing it with Tamyra's (you know, buy K-Lo and Tamyra together for one low price.... that's a please buy me kind of thing if you ask me). ANYWAY... I loved Tamyra and after previewing some of the tracks this is a good one. She released on May 25th and is still with 19. Records (Cowell and company)

RJ Helton - released his CD titled Real Life on March 23rd on the Christian label Gospocentric. But reviews say this is NOT a "religious" album so to speak. In fact, it's getting decent reviews around town. But I wouldn't expect to hear him on your radio station any time soon. You can preview some of his tracks on Amazon as well.

Alright that's all for now!

Is it just me...

2004-06-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

,,.or does life in a post-Idol world SUCK?

There is a level of despair that goes along with turning on the Tivo these days. Idol is over. Fantasia's not singing every Wednesday. THERE IS NOTHING TO WATCH!

Okay. Not completely true. There's Last Comic Standing. Which is Idol without the songs and Paula's annoying platitiudes and Ryan and weave bangs and ghetto earrings and--

Alright. It's not Idol. It's not Idol at all.

I AM BORED!!!!!! Yes, I know. No Idol gives me my life back. I can read all the novels I've been saving. I can dig into my back issues of Vogue. I can make crafts and scrapbook my daughter's baby book and bake things and go to the gym and see friends and--

Like I'm actually going to do any of those things? At night? When I'm exhausted? When I'm covered in Mommy Dust and Work Dust and Life Dust? Yeah. Right. Like I wanna be freakin' Martha Stewart. You know what I wanna be? I wanna be watching Idol! I wanna be mocking people with bad hairdos and tacky outfits and backfat!

That's how a sane person spends her evening.

Oh well. I hear they are re-running the first season of America's Next Top Model over on UPN. And that was reality TV at its finest. Ah, the joy of Elyse...

It's not Idol. But it's gonna have to do.

This is Shonda, reporting bored to tears from my sofa.

Weekend update

2004-06-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

So you know I usually have some weekend news for you in the off season and here is my first installment.

Fantasia's single is slated to drop June 22nd. Meanwhile Idol and RCA (one of the companies under the BMG family holding first rights to the Idols) will be doing the same song and dance they did with Clay and Ruben - releasing the runner up's single at the same time. Diana, who is signed with RCA, will drop her (at this time unnamed) single one week later.

Fantasia, who is with J Records (another BMG division), will release her churched up version of Tamyra's "I Believe" with Chain of Fools and Summertime as included tracks. Clive Davis, the head of J Records is the very same guest judge who said he'd sign her immediately if he heard her singing in a basement somewhere. Work your magic Clive baby! Fantasia is only listed as Fantasia, by the way, on the label site. Divas can use one name now can't they? We decided that about Trenyce last year after her stellar movie soundtrack night. So go on with your bad self Tasia. Put some hurt on 'em!

Read more on the two releases here at E-Online News...

I'm out.

Hey! It's me!

2004-06-05T12:45:00.000-07:00

I have some news.

Fantasia's gonna be singing on the VH1 Fashion Awards. Check it out!

(I do promise to write more -- at least once a week -- about all things pop culture. Just takin' a tiny vacation right now.)

Alright I take it back...

2004-05-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about it and I take back what I said about Diana's final black dress Wednesday night.

Relax. It's not what you're thinking. Nothing along the lines of a witness recanting testimony in a murder trial or anything.

You didn't think I was gonna get all kinds of Stepford nice on you did you?!?! Come on.

Now I am gonna take back what I said about it being a dress out of her mother's closet... afterall that would be equally as heinous a fashion choice for her mother as well. But not the part about it looking horrible on her and her needing some suck me in proper undergarments. What I started thinking about though is who that dress IS made for. And old isn't necessarily the criteria. So no, perhaps it isn't that it was too old for her. A little older yes, but mostly I'd only expect to see that dress on someone a little feisty, tall, leggy and bootyliscious. Say... Beyonce (or anyone from Destiny's Child for that matter)or I don't know... Tyra Banks, Angelina Jolie I can think of few others, but you get the point. Either that or a Miss America Pageant finalist.

ANYWAY... Don't go making bad fashion choices this summer ladies. That's the moral of the story here. Hhhmm... I didn't know I was telling a moral laden story, but apparently I am.

Alright I'm out. (how's that for writing about nothing!)

3 days later...

2004-05-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

... and it's sinking in. IT'S OVER. And now nothing on t.v. can compare. Shonda and I sat on the phone for the last two nights flipping through the channels, searching our TiVo wishlists trying to find something even remotely good to watch. Nothing. I mean absolutely nothing for next few weeks.

Well...

...there is the insanity over on the WB. WB Superstar USA. If you haven't seen any of this yet, catch the reruns starting this weekend. It's Freaky Friday American Idol - kinda like you're watching a skit on Saturday Night Live produced by a whole team of people sitting around high off their butts on crack. And this is no exaggeration. You just watch it with your mouth hanging open and with each contestant worse than the previous one all you can manage to get out is "Wha..?!?!" A very short lived show - it's only about 4 episodes total and therefore will all be over this coming week already. So if you wanna get in on the freak show tune it in this weekend. Wow. I don't know what else to say. This show is just wrong.

ANYWAY... what I was gonna say was now that I've replayed Wednesday night's show 25 times I am convinced that this IS the best group of finalists to date. That show - yes, even the freaky group number was GOOD. And I don't mean o.k. cause the entertainment factor was good enough to keep my watching. I mean somebody tell a friend it's on - don't want to miss the next song - G-O-O-D singing. Barring Tamyra, everyone (ya'll know I'm gonna talk about Tamyra) came to sing their butts off Wednesday! Sure, I've read some other opinions out there that this was a terrible show with horrible hokey group numbers, blah, blah, blah. Don't care. Loved it and I'll say it to anyone. LOVED IT. Don't come 'round my neighborhood talking smack about my show. You better take that mess on out of here. You'll get the beat down.

Don't make me open up a can of whoop A$% this lovely 3 day, relaxing, Memorial Day weekend! I will if I have to though. (breathe, breathe, breathe, gotta go do some yoga. Be right back)

I'm back. So I can't wait, let's just go there. Tamyra. Tamyra honey, sweetie child. What was that?!?! What were you wearing? What were you singing? What did you write for these poor girls to sing? I am no Tamyra hater. You know that. But this was sooooo not her shining moment. She's so skinny right now that she looked a little Mother Teresa in that style of dress. And why that anyway? I mean something short and sassy (with sleeves), but still national anthem worthy would have sufficed. Oh well. I cannot be the stylist to every young starlet out there. Choices people. It's all about choices. And dare I say she did not sound very good either. A little out there at the end in particular. HHhmmm... I was not impressed. You're not doing much to sell that new release girl. You better get it together.

Alright now that we got that out of the way, how great was The Impossible Dream?!?! HELLO!?! Quartet made in diva singing heaven ya'll. Those 4 voices together were great on that number and each shone in their own way. But can we just stop a moment and say RUBEN I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! Sigh... I got that off my chest. His voice is sooooo silky smooth I thought I'd pass out and hit my head on the coffee table again the minute he opened his mouth. I still have a mark on my head from last season's pass out hit your head on the coffee table throw your panties on the stage Ruben moment. LOVE this boy's voice. Alright. I'm o.k. But this was a fabulous arrangement and were it not for Diana's nerves causing her to sing the wrong words(o.k. just one)it would have been a perfect recordable moment. As our number one fan G- said, I'd pay to hear them together too. I'd buy that single in a moment. Are you listening AI producers and 19 records?!?!? DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!

I'm o.k. Ruben can do that to a girl though.

So we also had the 2 finalist diva's belting their hearts out. Diana got herself together and brought her A voice for the night and she sang that weak#$$ Tamyra song like she was singing for the Pope. She gave it everything she had. Go on with your bad self. And towards the end, Miss Tasia gave up the ghost with another song Dreams. An incredibly good song for her that I sure hope is paired with the TG single. The place was roaring each time for their favorite performer, both girls getting equal props and all was good.

I said ALL was good - including the group number and the duet between the girls. Yep I said it. I loved it. Let's all rewind to last year's crappy Gap fest that could have been named Barbie's Against Humanity. Just sickening to watch oh ye of little talent dance around the stage in belly shirts, halters and too tight pants that just screamed yes we signed a contract with Gap and who cares if we can't sing. It was horrible. It was poorly produced, poorly arranged and poorly choreographed and they were poorly dressed. Now this year they realized something. We don't really care. We don't. So just give us some closer to normal outfits, less hokey dancing and good music. The tribute to the judges was a great choice. Come on, I saw those boys doing some really freaky no rhythm moves out there. Let's not mistake it for something it wasn't - It was most definitely show choir on the big stage. You know, like Sister Act II or The Fighting Temptations - the choir going to the competition type of performance. But it's all good. This part of the show produced some of the most memorable if not entertaining moments of the show:

Jenny from the Block's incredibly stank ya'll know I shoulda been up here as a finalist solo attitude moment. Come on Jenny girl. Let it go. You are not scoring points with anyone out there with that sore loser attitude. And you do want people to buy your CD don't you? We know you're good, just sing. But you sure looked good up there. Lovely well fitting white pantsuit. Great hair and makeup. Some of you don't know how hard it is to look good in a white pantsuit when you're not a size 8. Props to the stylists on this one.

Sinatra boy's dancing abilities were highlighted in the most horrifying yet hilarious way ever. I was so bad that I just fell over laughing. Even Simon and Paula were laughing. It's just wrong people. That should never be seen again. And it will probably be the one thing that keeps me from going to the AI3 concert when it comes to my city this summer. I can't bear to pay money to see Opie or JPL sing or dance. Just incredible. Opie could be a candidate for that other show on the WB right now... hhhmmm.... and can we just not talk about Mr. Over Performer - Football Boy. Not gonna talk about it just laughing some more.

I was happy for Camille. She had a good showing and sounded nice again. Back to the way she sounded in the audition. The voice and style that got her to the finals in the first place. And my girl Leah... still love her too. She just couldn't hold up under the pressure week after week. But maybe this group thing on tour will be an all around better gig for her.

Do I even have to talk about George and Latoya? Huh? Didn't think so. Loved it!

Alright so now we are down to talking about the duet moment - which if you'll remember was also horrible last year. Clay and Ruben dancing and singing together did not sit well with anyone. Scary. But these two girls busted out some good belting, some good harmony and some good soul. No bad choreography, just singing. Loved this. I'd buy this too. HOWEVER... someone please explain Diana choosing a dress out of her mother's closet? Too old lady for her and sorry girl someone should have told her about that belly roll. Not good. Girls lets be nicer to one another and keep our friends from making such fashion mistakes on national t.v. I mean just picture this: Tasia could have turned to her dear friend and said "Girl don't wear that old mama dress. And if you do, please go get some Spanx to wear underneath to control all that mess going on in the tummy area." And Diana could have turned to her girl Tasia and said "You know I love your style girl, but all that cheap ghetto jewelry just ain't cutting it tonight." And all would have been good. Well... maybe a fight would have broken out in the house... fists flying kind of fight... o.k. that's not a good idea. Nevermind. But Diana chose a bad dress and Tasia's jewelry was so cheap at one point a necklace broke off her neck in the middle of the song. But... it was still a good duet. I won't let it be marred by poor fashion choices in this case.

This was a good 2 evenings. Good entertainment... insane 2 day hype, red carpet arrivals(Can I just stop to say how FABULOUS Christina C. looked interviewing on the red carpet!?! Loved the hair and dress!) and an outdoor live concert before the show?!?! Crazy! I mean, it's American Idol people. This shows gotten bigger than... well... I don't know, but it managed to swallow up any show that took on the same time slot the entire season from start to finish. And now that it's finished...

...well we'll keep at ya the next 6 months til it's back. There will always be something to complain about, dis or fall out over. One reader emailed to say: Write about nothing. Well isn't that what we've been doing this whole time? Just kidding. But it is reality t.v. ya'll. And on Fox at that. That's 'nothing' at it best. Nobody produces better nothing than the AI producers.

That's about it. Wrapping it all up...

I'm out.

What's next?

2004-05-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

Some of you have been writing to ask what we'll be doing during the AI off-season.

Well...

First we'll write a lot with all the post-AI news and gossip. Then you'll read a few mournful posts about the boredom of a post-AI existence. Then you'll get silence -- that is, unless one of the AI alums is arrested or has a breakdown or shows up on Oprah. Then we'll blog for all its worth. Oh, and you'll hear from us as we review the Christmas special or the Halloween special or the Grandparents Day special or whatever special Fox forces us to sit through just so we can hear our people sing. Plus, we'll blog a review anytime one of the AIs releases an album. Or a tell-all book.

To put it simply, we'll be keeping you up to date on all the AI news.

So, when the patina of the joy of Tasia has worn thin and Idols are touring, we won't be blogging every day. But check back with us from time to time to see what's up in the AI world.

We'll be here.

Oh, and to those of you who have asked if we really ARE just two sleep-deprived moms and sisters, the answer is: abso-freakin'-lutely.

TASIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-05-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

First up...

A shout out to my sister Sandie who watched the show live on the East Coast with me on the phone and managed not to give away the winner. How was that possible? The minute I saw Tasia sing the first note of her victory song, I burst into tears.

Loud noisy tears.

It was embarrassing but I ain't ashamed.

I was in my den sitting on my sofa with the Kodak Theatre (where the show took place) literally 2 minutes from my house. And I couldn't see it live. Which made me crazed. I was pacing, waiting for the show to come on. And when it finally did...

I sat through 2 solid hours of Fox Abuse waiting to hear who won. Fox has to drag things out for the ratings. Cruelly forcing us to wait. They managed to fill the time pretty well. Yeah, I got to see the amazing performance of Kelly, Ruben, Diana and Tasia singing together. Yeah, I got to watch that red-headed menace trying to dance in the group number. Yeah, I got to gape at Kelly's sequin bra and wonder once again why her stylist doesn't make her cover up that fleshy stomach. Yeah, I got to watch Jenny FTB's stoic, bitter face and know how much she thought that the person on that stage should be HER.

So what?

I was sure right up until the end that Diana was gonna steal my girl's glory. I was sure that America got it wrong. I was sure that there would be NOTHING to sing about. I had resigned myself to hearing Disney D's version of "I Believe" on the radio over and over and over until I either burst an aneurysm or lost my mind. I almost turned off the TV.

And then Ryan said Tasia's name.

RYAN SAID TASIA'S NAME!

RYAN! SAID! TASIA'S! NAME!

Y'all, I freaked.

I danced.

I bo-freakin'-bo'ed.

TASIA WON!!!

And what was so great was how overcome and appreciative Fantasia was. She cried. Then she sang. Then I cried. Then she cried some more. Then I cried some more. Then she sang her BEHIND OFF some more. Then I sang and the dogs started to howl so I had to stop. Because no matter how much I wanna be, I ain't Fantasia.

Another shout out to Disney D who proved herself to be a gracious, elegant, sweet (if a bit unhappy) loser. She called Tasia "her girl" and stated that she knew her fans would treat Tasia well. I was impressed. I actually liked Disney D more than I ever did before. Mainly because she'd already lost and there was no chance she could upset my girl.

I've said it before: American Idol is nothing more than a better, smarter, brighter version of The Miss America Pageant. In the end, someone wears the crown, the confetti falls and we all cry. What's the big deal?

The big deal is it was good.

It was great TV.

It was almost mythic.

It was poor teen single mom overcomes all obstacles to make it to the top of a heap that was 70,000 strong. It was the little girl from North Carolina taking over the world. It was FANTASTIC.

I've watched the end at least six times now and every single time I am struck with one absolute truth: that girl is a HUGE STAR. You wanna watch her. You can't help but watch her. You can't help but watch and want to dance.

America got it right. My faith in humanity is restored.

Large lips. Weave-bangs. The Bo-Bo. Ghetto Earrings.

All is right with the world.

Tonight ...

2004-05-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

...will be all about glitz, glamour, entertainment and all that comes with a finale. This is the night we'll see the red carpet arrival - which by the way I said last year's finale show was just as big as the red carpet shows themselves. So someone's listening out there - someone.

So we'll hear the has beens, the last year's trick and ponies, see Diana and Fantasia belt some more and all will be good when the confetti sprays at the end. We don't care who wins this year because we all know that even in Diana wins Miss Tasia is on a big road to stardom anyway. You go girl. I'm sick of all the hatin' going on surrounding this girl. Can we still not find strong, self-confident women worthy of our love?!? I mean no one likes a diva..... yeah whatever. I do.

Roll out the carpet, put on your hooker heels, slather on the glitter shadow, hook on your Claire's Boutique jewelry, wrap your weave bangs slick and tight and get your groove on tonight ya'll!

HHmmm... wonder if Paula found something decent to wear?

I'm out!

The Big Show...

2004-05-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

...wasn't so big.

Anyone who watched last night's show (and who didn't?) came away with one thought: Fantasia blew Disney D out of the water.

BLEW.

HER.

AWAY.

It wasn't so much a competition as it was a coronation. Queen Tasia. What that girl did last night with those three songs was astounding. She even managed to make Tamyra Gray (she of little chorus writing and very few rhymes -- I like a chorus and a rhyme, people!) seem like a good songwriter. Disney D was...eh. Which of course means that Disney D will win tonight.

You heard me. I'm calling it early. Disney D by a mile.

Why?

Because America -- dumb as we are -- can't help but vote for the underdog. Especially when that underdog is puppy-cute, cuddly and bouncy like a bunny. And in spite of the fact that the cute cuddly puppy had her be-hind WHUPPED by a lanky, bo-bo-dancing, large-lipped, sweet, country teen single mama. Or maybe BECAUSE of that fact.

Why can't America get behind Tasia? Why can't they show her the love?

Here's my thing: people have suggested that Tasia can be no Idol what with her two year old and her arrogance. But Tasia is actually the FACE of America today. Not so pretty, not so cuddly, not so apple-pie and Easter bunny. She's real. Teenagers have kids. Talented people are arrogant. And she doesn't put on an act. She's not fake-sweet or cloying. She's exactly who she says she is. Shouldn't that be something to Idol-ize? An actual flawed person keeping it real?

Glass houses, people. Glass houses and stones. That's all I'm saying to you if you are a hater.

But Disney D is ahead in the polls.

People want their reality with a little sugar on top. A little Vaseline on the lens of life to keep pretending that we're something we're not. It's Doris Freakin' Day all over again around here.

Boy, I'm gettin' philosophical.

But I'm not worried. Because I would have to be smoking the crack pipe myself to actually believe that losing the Idol title will hurt Tasia in any way. You KNOW Simon's gonna snap her up with a record deal. You know that, if he doesn't, someone else will. You know that you'll be hearing her voice long after Disney D's has faded away.

The girl has TALENT.

The girl has STYLE.

The girl has WEAVE-BANGS.

And you know you can't argue with no weave-bangs...

This is Shonda, reporting with anticipation from my sofa.

Polls...

2004-05-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

A few polls I've seen online tonight have 51% of people choosing Diana and 49% of the people choosing Tasia!

So it's on!

It's gonna be a close one!

Well it all comes down to...

2004-05-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

....powervoting on the last night. Yep, that's it. How many times can the teeny boppers throwing their big AI3 finals party press redial on their cell phones before curfew hits and they have to go home to their own houses and go to bed. ....sigh....

That's just the way it is.

So, let's break it all down for you. Here are some interesting tidbits I've heard from my sources in the last few days:

*Did you know that you will have a 4 hour voting window tonight and each contestant will have 2, yes TWO phone numbers? In order to maximize powervoting and eliminate the complaints of flooded lines and busy signals, FOX decided to double the pleasure.

*Did you know that Fantasia was late for her rehearsal/recording session because she was caught up in a police chase? She was an innocent bystander not involved in the chase... so that's no fun to tell huh?!? No scandal here.

*Did you know that Diana Degarmo is no stranger to the music biz? Eddie DeGarmo is an executive at EMI records and a long time performer and former christian singing group member. I'm sure she HAS been singing since she was 5!

*And did you know Fantasia isn't either? Her cousins are Cedric Hailey (K-Ci) and Joel Hailey (Jo-Jo) - yes JODECI! Hello?!?

Alright... I'm getting excited and it's just about time for freak show central to begin on the east coast so I'd better go get some popcorn a good fruity drink and get on the couch in front of my TiVo! I can't wait to get in some good rewind moments tonight!

This had better be good. I mean we thought Clay and Ruben's supercharged choir filled final was good... well this had better be that good! I know we'll have to listen to Kelly Clarkson sing once again and I'll live through it. And we'll get to see Ru as well which is always good. The former contestants will serve as the hometown correspondants this year instead of the pitiful whackos like last year - so that'll be better I hope. Alright.... come everyone vote!

I'm out.

History?

2004-05-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

So basically Fox has simply given up even pretending to have other shows. Because they are programming American Idol like, six nights a week.

It's crazy. Last Thursday, they replayed the early audition episodes of Season 3 and, like the sheep I am, I just sat there and watched. Yeah, relive the glory, relive the joy, whatever...WHY DID I WATCH? I can't help it. American Idol is cocaine, heroin, smack, horse, crazy JuJu and we are all shivering twitching junkies. Or is it just me? Nah, you're jonesing for a fix too.

Anyway, last night the Idol channel ("All Idol, All the Time!") aired a show called American Idol: The Phenomenon. Which sounds really cool but was actually just one more way for Fox to hijack our brains for ratings. They took three seasons of Idol and smooshed it down into one 42 minute plus commercials retrospective. I think Ryan called it "an exploration of Idol history."

Huh?

Idol history?

IDOL IS THREE FREAKIN' YEARS OLD!

It doesn't have history. If AI were human, it'd be a toddler. It's a baby. Trust me, babies don't have history. Babies don't have ten minutes ago. AI is metaphorically picking its nose and watching the Wiggles. There's no room for a retrospective. You know what has history? American Bandstand. Dance Fever. SOUL TRAIN. Or as I like to call it: "SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWL TRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN!" That's history. AI better get some more years under its belt if it wants to have what it calls a history. Simon Cowell has to get that Dick-Clark-preserved-in-a-jar-hair-dyed-old-man look. Paula has to have her face stretched so tight you can bounce quarters off it. Randy has to gain and lose the weight again. That's history. History happens after one of the Idols crashes, burns, goes to rehab, writes a tell-all book and cries with Oprah. That's history.

This?

This is just the opening act.