I went into the episode with few expectations and little excitement. After last week's parade of freakies, I just wasn't sure how much more I could take. How many more mentally unstable individuals I could endure. And I was fully ready to turn off my TV and get on with my evening.
THANK YOU CLEVELAND AND ORLANDO! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
1) Three words LL Cool J (is LL one word?): How much do we all love LL Cool J? How adorable is he? How cute is he? How freakin' SWEET is he? The man hugged people. And not like a "cute girls only" thing. NO. The man hugged the big seriously dowdy women. The ones least likely to get any kind of LL juice. I say it now, I fully love LL Cool J for making the dowdy big girls feel good -- especially when they could not sing a note. AND he wasn't mean. Not once. To anybody. Didn't bust anybody's dreams, didn't hurt anybody's feelings, didn't drive anyone to bulimia. LL ROCKS. I am the president of the LL Cool J fan club as of this very minute. WE LOVE YOU, LL!!
2) Innocent Sweet Paula-Adoring Girl. Cute as pie. Voice like an angel. She ain't gonna make it far. She's too tender, too nervous, too scared. Or that could all just be a layer hiding her serious inner diva and she could win the whole thing. Time will tell...
3) Big Down's Syndrome Looking Boy: Look, I am not hating on the Down's Syndrome crowd. No. Love me some Down's Syndrome/Asperger's crowd. Rock on with your Down's/Asperger's selves. All I'm saying is that this guy looked like he was part of the Down's crowd. Good for him. And BOY COULD HE SING! I love me some Down's/Asperger's boy. He had the most incredible voice AND he had the heartbreaking story of the Daddy who didn't believe in him. Can't wait to see him next time.
4) Farm Boy: What up with the farm people this season? First, we had the cow-milking girl and now we have this baby-faced, overall-wearing, square-dancing yahoo. If you missed him, you missed something FABULOUS. What did I tell you about forgetting to set your Tivo? FARM BOY!!!! That boy's voice was like butter. I'm wondering what he's gonna look like once they attack him with the AI stylists for the makeover...
5) The Chubby Sisters: Big and wildly deluded, these two girls were nonetheless sweet to watch. One had the better voice, the other had the confidence and together they must weigh in at over 600 pounds. They were bubbly, friendly and incredibly bonded -- one cried when the other was rejected. Neither had a snowball's chance in Fiji of making it to the next round, but the judges were kind to them. SIMON was even moved to join a judges' group hug for one of the girls. Just proves that Simon is softening as he becomes more Americanized. And in the case of the one who could sing, it also proves that once again, you can't be as big as Ruben and make it if you are female.
6) Freaky Phantom of the Opera Girl: She had blue hair, Goth makeup and she sang opera. You had to see it to believe it. It's highly possible that Freaky Phantom could be in the top five. Blue hair and all.
7) My least favorite: the "They Said I Would Never Speak Again, I Look Like Clay Aiken Cause I'm Geeky" boy. Look, have a story. Be a geek. It's all good. And he could sing fine (not in the same zip code as Clay, though). But that boy milked the "childhood illness, I'm a good sweet person" thang DRY. I hated him. I couldn't help it. I just didn't buy his "aw shucks" mid-western good boy act. Love him if you want to. But I wanted to punch him in the head. And I'm a pacifist.
8) Pink Poncho Whitney Wacko: She wore a pink poncho. She sang The Greatest Love of All. And she said it best when she told the AI confession cam that, "when I hear the sound coming out of my voice, I wonder where it's coming from." Me too, crazy girl. ME. TOO. I sing better. ME. The girl who can't carry a tune in the SHOWER. The girl who can't IMAGINE a song in tune. You don't see me in a pink poncho singing for Randy, Simon and Paula, do you? Let me reiterate a rule that my sister and I put out there early on. We call it AI Rule #1: Don't you dare sing Whitney unless you a) ARE Whitney, b) are FANTASIA or c) are TAMYRA. And let me also take a moment to remind you of Rule #2: CRACK IS WHACK! Stop smoking it, Poncho Girl.
9) I think her tribal name would be "Sings Chain of Fools/Dresses Like A Blind Man". She could seriously sing. And she knew it. Which was annoying. But what was downright terrifying was her belief that it was okay to wear not only hot pink and lime green together but to wear one hot pink shoe and one lime green shoe. You know when that works? When the decade is the 1980s. When you are starring in the film "Valley Girl." When puppies fly. When hell freezes over, blood runs in the streets, Superman flies around the world to turn back time and Cyndi Lauper is number one on the charts again. Here's hoping the fashion police arrest her before she makes it to Hollywood.
And last but certainly not least...
10) JAMES BROWN. The only person who loved him was Paula. And me. LOVED. HIM. Don't care that he was kind of odd. Don't care that he pressed his hair. Don't care that he was imitating the Godfather of Soul. I found him totally riveting. RIVETING. Three words. RIV. ET. ING. Even if I'm not totally sold on his singing talent. He's a total wild card in the competition. Plus he was serious Queen -- I always have love for the Queens. PLUS he did the splits on command -- he's all Michael Jackson without the issues. Go on with your bad self, James B! Let's see what America makes of him.
That was our night. Here's hoping tomorrow is even more enjoyable...
