WOW... it's worse than ever...

I know you talked about this Shonda... but this is really serious.

The delusional tendancies that seem to spreading across the country are growing to such an epidemic that the world health organization needs to bust out the lab equipment and start taking water, air and soil samples. Beware. You could be next. Apparently EVERYONE is coming down with it. My contact at the health department says they started tracking cases of it last year. It's called Imastar Delusionitist Disorder. That's the name of this horrible disease that seems to have taken over the world. So appropriately abbreviated: I.D. disorder.

Big Ego Mama and16 year old Aashia who are sure Aashia is the next Lil Romeo - (trapped in a girl's body) have caught it. But don't be scared ya'll. Lil Aashia won't hold up under the pressure of the group sessions in the next round or if she somehow does, Country Week. But rest assured we're sure to see her in the next Missy Elliot video.

Johnny has it and it has spread to his entire family apparently. "My family loves my voice. They've adored me since I was 3 or so." he said. And then he opened his mouth and the judges laughed. Well Johnny, what we love of a 3 year old is not so cute when you're 20 now is it? But it's not his fault. His whole family has got it. They're telling him he can sing.

Adam and Dirk the freaky friends have it. Before Dirk enters the room we see him telling the camera that "All my friends tell me to just stay calm and relaxed..." AS IF this is his only problem??? Dirk walks in and breaks into a David Hasselhoff number. Are you serious? (That's what Simon wanted to know too.) Yep, Dirk and his friends have it. Then his buddy Adam walks in trying to be all fly and ghetto wannabe (You hear a "friend" of his out in the hall yell "Get crunk!" as he's opening the door - WHA...!?!?!). He does a Simon Cowell impersonation and begins to tell Paula how she was his 1st musical inspiration with her Opposites Attract video. But Adam can't remember whether the cartoon character she danced with was a fox or a bobcat. When they tell him it was a cat he looks bewildered and says "Whatever" and goes on about how if he is on the show America will watch. The judges can't do anything else after this point but laugh. But even still Adam leaves the room and tells the camera "They really thought I was good".

O.k. this was certainly I.D. disorder. A confirmed case - even without testing. Someone please hold him down and swab him for a sample so we can quarantine him. Maybe I've been watching too much CSI or Medical Investigaton, but I know my diseases. And he had it bad.

Now we also had Jessica in her pink polka dot halter. "Somewhere over the Rainbow... Way up High....There's a place where delusional singers go to cry...." That is, after they're laughed out of the room by the judges telling them they should consider doing voice overs for the Rugrats.... Insane. Poor Jessica. You also have it.

Now I think the carrier of I.D. disorder was there as well. He has to be where this disorder originated and now he's spreading it all over the country by attending these auditions. It has to be him. Yep, Shonda was right on with Brian McKnight Wannabe. And even though you've already told this story Shonda I MUST relive it. I simply must. I am STILL laughing and rewinding this one. Mild mannered, boring looking, insurance agent type, Maurice Thomas. We see Maurice telling the camera before he goes in "My family have told me I can sing like Brian McKnight." And you just know he can sing right? Well no. I knew. I saw all the signs and diagnosed him before he entered the room. .... No Maurice... don't do it.... Stop...... But it's too late. He sings.

My family have told me I can sing....
Come on, I know I'm good...
I know I can sing real well...
I have been told that I sound like Brian McKnight....

Paula chokes. Randy says "WHA......!!!!!" in that high pitch tone of disbelief. But Simon's curiosity gets the best of him and he asks him if he knows any Brian McKnight songs.

Well, curiosity killed the cat as they say. Both that cat and Maurice's dream of being a singer are hopefully VERY dead. And Shonda is right. This is the moment of the season. Maurice, you are the Biggest Loser. Oh wait, that's another show about something entirely different. Where being a loser is good. What am I talking about? Hhhmmm..... speaking of losers... let's talk about those triplets. Losers, only because they thought they could back into the competition on the triplet factor alone, they actually did not have it. They were clear on the fact that the one sister was the better singer of the 3. They were clear on the fact that they were a little "curvatious" as the one put it. (they just didn't like being told that on national t.v.) NOW... one could argue that the choice of dresses proves they DID have it. But I think not. That was just trailer ho fashion sense masquerading as I.D. disorder. Besides, it's the manufacturer's fault for making that dress in their size to begin with.

Don't worry, it's all good America. Yes, it's contagious, but only those who seem to be particularly suited to delusional tendancies are affected. Not to be confused with "Affected"...

Affected. There's that word again already. That's a whole 'nother conversation. ANYWAY...

Don't become the latest victim of I.D. Disorder. My sources tell me it's not easily cured. Until a cure is found here are some tips to help you avoid it. Listen to yourself on tape. Video tape your performance. Watch it over and over again until you are clear on this one important point. You cannot now, nor will you ever be able to sing. Still think you have talent? Take the public transportation to another nearby city where you can be sure no one knows you. Go out to any corner and sing. Sing at the top of your lungs. If these perfect strangers tell you "Wow you should be a professional singer" then, and only then, should you even BEGIN to consider a career change.

But in the mean time, we'll continue to enjoy all the delusions of grandeur for the next few weeks. Bring on the funny!!!! Bring it on Idol!!!

I'm out.

Three is the magic number...

Big love for the triplets -- one of whom could sing, two of whom couldn't, all THREE of whom wore the tackiest pink tube minidress that Walmart has to offer.

Best moment?

The talented one exits the audition room after being given the boot. One of her sisters is crying. "I'm just mad that he called us fat on national TV," she wails. The talented one rolls her eyes, "We ARE fat!"

You gotta love the spunk.

That's right. You heard me. Spunk. I don't care if it's 2005. I don't care if spunk went out with Mary Tyler Moore. I used the word "spunk." I'm trying to help the word spunk make a comeback.

Second best moment?

Crying triplet to the American Idol confessional cam: "I can't believe he called us fat! My sister only weighs 160 pounds-"

From off-camera: Muffled sounds of horror.

Crying triplet: "Okay. 150 pounds. Anyway-"

From off-camera: "WHY WOULD YOU SAY MY WEIGHT ON NATIONAL TV!!!!????"

Crying triplet: "They're never going to put this on the air!"

Spunk.

And some stupidity.

Hee hee.

"My family say I can sing..."

Wednesday night's broadcast had only three highlights. Two of which garner a mention here and one of which, Sandie and I just can't stop talking about...

First, the easy mentions:

1) Osbourne Smith, son of a baseball legend. I know nothing about baseball. Nothing about St. Louis. But I thought Osbourne was infectious and sweet and I was SO RELIEVED he could sing. Because nothing would have been sadder than seeing the son of someone famous make a fool of himself on national TV. Go, Ozzie Jr.

2) Cow-milking girl. Don't remember her name. But I DO remember her pipes. That girl can SANG. Can't you picture her crooning to her cows down in Oklahoma? Plus, she was -- unlike so many of the contestants last night -- actually humble and sweet. The bravado steaming off some of those people was unbelievable. Most notable in the "I'm All That and A Bucket of Chicken" category was the rapping person I like to call the Afrocentric version of It's Pat -- was it a man or was she really a woman like she said? -- who talked A LOT of trash as did her mama.

(Side note: what is up with all the fat mamas with talented kids? Is being overweight a prerequisite for helping your child get vocal skills? And why is always a mama? Where are the fat daddies? WHY ARE ALL THE PROUD MAMAS FAT?!!)

3) And then there was the man. Let's call him Brian McKnight Wannabe (BKW). BKW walked into that room, opened his mouth and...well, dogs died, babies screamed and blood poured from stones. He was a vocal Apocalypse. But that wasn't what made him so perfectly hysterically funny. No. What made my boy BKW a laugh riot was what happened after.

Y'all, BKW thought he had talent. FOR REAL. FOR. REAL.

Not since William Hung have we seen such a deluded individual. Paula, Randy and Simon told BKW no. Did BKW take the hint and go? No. He slowly walked to the door. Pausing every few steps to look back at the judges. As if to say "You're just joking when you say no, right?" Pausing to look back as if to say "You really mean yes, don't you?" Pausing as if to simply ask "Wha...?"

Finally, Simon called him back in. And BKW uttered the words that will be burned into American Idol lore right beside the famous William Hung line "I have no professional training of singing or dancing."

BKW said "My family say I can sing...My friends say I can sing...People say I sound like Brian McKnight."

At which point, soda shot out of Paula's nose.

Seriously. Slow down your Tivo and watch the Pepsi spray. And then watch the looks on Randy and Simon's faces when BKW busts out singing a Brian McKnight song. I use the word "singing" in the loosest possible sense. Here, the word "singing" is clearly meant to be synonymous only with "howling". Or "braying". Or perhaps "sounds that make you vomit and/or crap your pants when you hear them."

My family say I can sing...My friends say I can sing...

WHO IS IN HIS FAMILY? WHO ARE HIS FRIENDS? Clearly, he was raised by kindly deaf mutes. Clearly, his friends are deaf as well. And, to the people who told him he sounded like Brian McKnight? PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPES!

America, this is going to be a long audition period.

Crazies, Cuties and A Mama Who Sold Her Wedding Ring

So now we know why the government needs to raise its funding for programs helping the mentally ill.

Seriously.

Call your congressman.

Right now. RIGHT. NOW. I'll wait.

OH MY GOD!

I have been waiting and waiting and waiting ever since the moment the confetti rained down on Fantasia for the moment AI would storm back into our lives. I have dreamed of this day. I was freakin' Martin Luther King, I was dreaming so hard.

Dream? HA! Nightmare.

Did we think it could get weirder than Scat Girl and William Hung? I mean, seriously, did you even dare to believe that the world held anyone more wacko than SCAT GIRL? More deluded than William Hung? HOW COULD IT BE POSSIBLE?

And yet...

...yet...

...oh, dear god, make the lambs stop screaming....

....there was Mary Roach. Or, as I like to call her: Sybil.

Sybil's vocal chords hosted a wide range of terifying yet strangely compelling noises. None of which could be considered singing. Sybil's head...well, Sybil's head hosted a cocktail party of chatter.

I have said it before. And I will say it again. It is wrong to mock the mentally ill on national TV.

Wrong. And bad. Bad. And wrong.

And SO FREAKIN' FUNNY I thought I would pee my pants laughing.

Oh, Sybil. Thanks for the memories.

There was the poor, poor girl who proudly showed off her black polyester fashion mistake and told us that you don't have to be rich to look classy. The one who proclaimed that she wasn't a crazy, that she really really could sing. Guess what?

SHE WAS CRAZY.

Hee hee. Oh, it was mean. The worst was the poor man who used to be an alcoholic -- I think he referred to himself as 5.9% -- and declared that he'd only discovered he could sing a couple of weeks ago. Then he sang. Or I guess I should say "sang". Guess what?

HE WAS CRAZY.

The weird guy with the purple headband who sang a song from Annie and held the notes so long I was sure his head would explode. The bizarre genetic accident that produced Toni Braxton's cousin. The two girls who lost their minds when cast out. The woman who thought she looked like Madonna but actually looked like Roseanne.

CRAZY. CRAZY. CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY.

Ah, good times.

But really, mocking the mentally ill is not what Idol means to me. Idol is about singing. Really. It is. You may not be able to tell during these first weeks of audition shows but, trust me, people on the show actually SING. In TUNE. For REAL. And a few of them were showcased tonight.

My faves?

Well, I try not to get too attached this early in the game. Because some good soldiers are taken out early. Because I have yet to get over the Frenchie Ousting of 2003. Because Goat Girl made it through to the top 12.

But I did find some people to potentially shower with my love:

1) Metal Rocker Babe: Head banging rocker with the voice of an angel. Plus he was adorably cheerful and very pleasant to look at. Built in soap opera what with him leaving his street cred and his band behind to follow his pop star dreams. Prediction? Teenage girls are gonna LOVE him.

2) Dreadlocks Man: Middle school choir teacher with the voice of an angel. Adorably cheerful. Pleasant to look at. No built in soap story but PLENTY of good will for working with kids. Middle aged mamas are gonna LOVE him.

3) Human Beat Box Boy: Middle class rap kid. Voice of angel. Adorably cheerful, pleasant to look...yada, yada, yada. You get the drift. Woman are gonna LOVE him.

4) And there was the woman. I didn't catch her name. She was the married mama who sold her wedding rings to come to the audition and pursue her dreams of becoming the next American Idol. Now, y'all know when she told about pawning her rings, I was praying she could sing. PRAYING. Because if she could sing, pawning her rings becomes a lovely heartwarming story of struggle and self-belief. If she couldn't sing, then dude, that chick joins the long line of CRAZIES. Lucky for her, she could sing. Now, she wasn't my personal fave (did I mention three hotties with adorably cheerful personalites and voices like angels?) but she was the most emotional story of the night. She doesn't have a chance of winning the competition but I hope she makes it past the first serious cut. So she can afford to get her rings back.

Lessons learned?

A) Don't sing the national anthem unless you are Whitney Houston.

B) Don't try to dance and sing at the same time. Unless you are Michael Jackson (sans molesting).

C) Don't go to an audition in spandex or polyester or any other man-made fiber. Unless you are in the movie Flashdance and the year is 1983.

D) Don't listen to your friends when they tell you that you can sing. Unless your friends are Simon, Paula and Randy.

E) Call your congressman about helping the mentally ill. CALL NOW. I'll wait.