The Party Gets Started...

,,,kind of.

I sat down in front of my TIvo tonight. Thrilled. Full of excitement. Shocked by Mario's exodus and thrilled by Nikko's return. Elated that the Final 12 were finally in place. AI4 HAS BEGUN!!!

So there I was with my can of soda, glass of juice and bottle of water (I like to stay hydrated so I have energy to yell at the TV when necessary). I had my pen in one hand to take notes. My Tivo remote in the other so that I could pause, rewind or fast forward depending on what was happening.

And you know, that's how I'm going to break it down tonight. Three categories. Pause. Rewind. And Fast Forward. Now the audience was on crack so EVERYONE got a standing ovation tonight in the studio. But not in my living room.

FAST FORWARD: You know who goes in this category. Those contestants who make so much painful noise howling on my TV that all I can think is "MAKE THE LAMBS STOP SCREAMING!" Those contestants who bore me so much that all I can think is "Wonder what will happen on America's Next Top Model tomorrow night?" The bad and the boring. And they are:

1) Jessica. Or as I like to call her No Neck Blondie. Not that I'm hating on people with no necks. Go on with your fat head selves, more power to ya, form your own non-profit. I'm just calling it like I see it. And Jessica is No Neck Blondie -- big head, big voice, NO NECK. And she does have a big voice which sometimes sounds okay. That's the problem. She's just...okay. I don't care about her, I don't care to watch her. And what she did tonight is SO forgettable that I can't even remember the name of the song she sang.

2) Lindsey. Is it just me or does she remnd y'all of Hairdresser Girl from AI Season 2? Same face, same hair and, unfortunately for her, same voice. She's dull. Lifeless. PLASTIC. At least Hairdresser Girl had a career cutting heads to fall back on...

3) Vonzell. I give her props because she's sweet and wore the tacky white tassel boots her Daddy bought her last week. And she can sing. But Vonzell...honey, let's first discuss the dress. The peach, shiny, tacky Prom dress. The atrocity that made you look like a Vegas lounge singer. Oh...it was sad. Uninspired. But better than your performance. Which was also shiny and tacky.

4) Anthony. Trach Boy is on my last ever-lovin' nerve. He sat on a stool. A STOOL. And tried to croon. TRIED. TO. CROON. Hey, Trach Boy? You ain't Clay. You'll never be Clay. You'll never be Clay's stool. Why must he be in this competition? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

PAUSE: A category reserved for things that make me go "Wha...?" For those who bring vocals or outfits or performances that make me freeze frame my Tivo while I pull myself together or give myself time to scream.

1) Anwar. Anwar, Anwar. I loved you so. You with your pulled back dreds and your super-positive optimism and your school teacher glow. Oh, how I loved you. So what happened? You looked like a deer in headlights up on that big stage. And your voice...well, that was not what I call singing. Plus, you forget AI rule #563. Which is don't sing "A House is Not A Home." Unless you are Tamyra Gray. And you are not. Tamyra. Only Tamyra is Tamyra. She owns the song in AI legend. You...well, you eked out something. Screw your courage to the sticking place, boy! And do somethng better next week!

2) Mikalah. Mad Dog Mik has lost her mind. Did you see her belly? Of course you did. How could you miss it? She was wearing pants so low, I thought the FCC was gonna bust the show up. And...now, I know she's a teenager and I definitely am not one to hate on anyone's body but...girl, that was not a belly I wanted to see. Ever. Keep it covered. So, working the I'm a ho angle didn't fly. And neither did her song. I am not exactly sure even after pausing several times what song that was she was singing. It was bad. And for the first time, I joined you hordes of haters out there who find Mikalah annoying. She's fast becoming my Goat Girl for 2005 (see 2003).

3) Scott. Down's Boy looks better. The facial hair, the suede duds. And he sang one of my favorite songs "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." But have you ever seen anyone look so unbelievably uncomfortable in front of an audience? It was like watching Sinatra Boy try to dance last year. You could practically hear Scott counting off his moves in his head. Move hand here...Descend steps on three...Shake head on five... He made me constipated just watching him. Poor Down's Boy. He showed so much promise in the early rounds. But I fear tonight may be his last.

4) Carrie. She's sweet. She milks cows. She loves country. And she has a great voice. But tonight, PAULA called her boring. You heard me. PAULA. Paula never has a mean word to say to anyone about anything. Paula, whose judgements usually leave even the worst contestant feeling like they've been licked by a basket of kittens. PAULA CALLED CARRIE BORING. All I can say is...dawg, that's cold. Simon tried to smooth things over. Mainly because I think Simon has decided that Carrie is a race horse he can ride all the way to the country western bank. And maybe he could. If this show was called Nashville Stars...

REWIND: I save the rewind button for the good ones. The ones who BRING IT. The ones who do something great. And, yes, occassionaly for the ones who make such big fools of themselves that you gotta watch it again and again. Like when Clay sang the song from Grease. Or Hercules wore the Afro wig. But tonight, I used rewind for good and not evil.

1) Constantine. Yup. I said Constantine. Y'all, I know Connie ain't the best singer. But the thing is, so does Connie. He knows he doesn't have what the other contestants have. So Connie picks songs that make him sound good. And he's cute. And he brings a whole butt load of charisma onstage with him. And he's cute. Admit it, you thought he was pretty good tonight. I almost found myself apologizing to him through the TV screen for hating on him so bad last week.

2) Nikko. Yeah, he's back. Yeah, he don't care if you hate him. Nikko arrived on stage in pants so baggy, I thought he had the whole Jackson Five in there. He waved his hands. He tossed his hat. And he sang "I Want You Back". It was either horrible or fantastic. I don't know. I just know I couldn't stop watching him. I just know that if he recorded that song today, it would be playing over and over again on MTV tomorrow. He took an old song and made it seem fresh and hip hop and very now. All the boy needed were some backup danceers. I tried to call and vote for him but the phone lines were literally overloaded and I couldn't get through.

3) Nadia. Love her. LOVE. HER. I want her hair. And her outfit. Which let me tell you was a big gamble. You don't wear a big old poncho/dashiki on national TV unless you are a) unbelievably skinny and b) brave. Girl is both. She looked good, she sounded better. A total change from her usual upbeat numbers, Nadia got out on that stage and said, yeah, I can sing. Better than any of you. Whoo-Hoo! It was the first good performance of the night and I had to rewind three times to get over it.

4) Bo. Here's a puzzle. Bo is ugly. Bo has bad hair. Bo sings in a style I can NOT stand. I LOVE ME SOME BO. Bo rocks. Bo rocks each and every week. Bo rocks hard. Bo rocks long. Bo rocks. Do I want Bo to win? I don't know. I just know I want to see what Bo does next. I want to see Bo take a regular song and rock it. I want to see Bo rise to the challenge of the AI gauntlet. I want to see Bo sing his way through Streisand night. Or Billy Joel night. Or...oooh, Celine Dion night. I want to watch Bo rock the theme from Titantic. Bo is a magical mystery tour of rocking magnetism. Bo has taken the pop star status of the Idol stage and twisted it into a Seattle grunge fest. Bo is a genuis.

Or maybe I'm just really excited that someone up there can sing.

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.