THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

Lambs!

Screaming!

SCREAMING!

LAMBS!

Somebody make the lambs stop screaming!!!!!


Are you there, America? It's me, Shonda.

HAVE YOU FREAKING LOST YOUR MINDS?

Tasia and LaToya in the bottom two? Flower Girl not even ALMOST ousted but wildly safe on the sofa beside Disney Diana? WHAT? LaToya going home? LATOYA? GOING? HOME? Wha...?!!! Has the crack you've been smoking gotten so strong you don't even know what planet you are on anymore?

Oh, I am sad.

Now y'all know I'm not the biggest LaToya fan. But let's put that into perspective. I may not LIKE her but she is clearly the second best singer in this competition. CLEARLY. She's...well, she's Shaq. Shaq's good. Shaq's amazing. But Shaq ain't Michael Jordan circa 1990 and she never will be. Tasia is MJ. But that doesn't mean Shaq ain't out there doing his thing and doing it well. Right?

IT DOESN'T FREAKING MEAN THAT THE GUY WHO SITS ON THE BENCH THE ENTIRE SEASON BUT STILL GETS TO WEAR THE JERSEY DESERVES TO BE CALLED THE MVP!!!!

See what you made me do, America? You made me speak Basketball.

Grrr...

To top off the horror, Flower Girl didn't even have the decency to look humbled and humiliated at being left standing when a better singer had been felled by the American bullet. Even Marine Boy had it in him to look horrified that he was safe and Trenyce was voted off. Even he knew that he was luckier in that one moment that he had ever been in his entire vocally challenged life. But Flower Girl? She was blowing FREAKIN' kisses to the audience! Waving and smiling like the King of the World.

What made the whole thing worse was LaToya. Who reacted with such incredible grace and composure that I finally began to like her. And then she busted out "Don't Rain on My Parade", showing us what her voice can do and making us all feel ashamed we ever doubted her.

I say "we". I mean "you". Or actually, "they". 'Cause if you're reading the blog, you're living the right way to begin with. But SOMEBODY out there has lost their ever-loving mind. Because in what universe is Flower Girl safe? In what universe is she not dragged to the Haigue and put before the War Crimes Tribunal to stand trial for using her voice as a weapon of mass destruction? GIRLFRIEND CAN'T SING. Yeah, she could win karoake night at any dive in America. But she can't Whitney-sing. Can't Barbra-sing. Can't Bette-sing. I'm not even sure she can Britney-sing. And yet, who was in the bottom two tonight? Not the Hawaiian Barbie Doll. No. Tasia and LaToya.

(here's the part where you drop to your knees and howl with me, people)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it possible?

Could it actually be that...that...(dear God, I can barely get the words out)...that FLOWER GIRL is the next American Idol?

Let's all take a moment to vomit, shall we?

Okay. Now here's the part where I would usually issue a call to action. The part where I would say that next week we have to clog up the phone lines with our calls voting for Tasia. The part where I'd repeat the mantra that, in order for a diva to win, a diva has to go. Usually, that's what I'd say. Usually. But...

(deep sigh)

...I just don't know that I have it in me. Why? WHY? Because that girl...no, not a girl...she's no longer a mere girl...she's too dangerous to be a mere girl....because that SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE IS BREAKING MY SPIRIT!!!!!

So let me just say this: The final two better be Diana and Tasia.

It better be.

IT BETTER BE THEM.

Because if it isn't...

...next season, y'all will have to find yourselves another pair of ranting sisters.

Or maybe not.

Maybe you won't because I read somewhere that once the first Sign of the Apocalypse has been unleashed, well...I mean, it's the APOCALYPSE.

I'm pretty sure no one reads blogs after the Apocalypse.

This is Shonda, reporting stunned from my sofa.

I spoke too soon...

The lambs are, indeed, screaming again.

At the top of their lungs.

Y'all, I don't care if she's only sixteen. I don't care if she's sweet. I don't care if she's cuter than a barrel of fluffy puppies.

I don't care if she got her feelings hurt.

I don't care if she cried.

Jasmine Trias SUCKED tonight.

S-U-C-K-E-D.

Sucked in a painful wailing way that made me hate disco for just a tiny second. (And I love me some disco. On The Radio is one of the top ten best dancing songs ever made -- in case you were wondering.) And for the second year in a row (no, make that the third year), I was irritated. This girl has no business in the final four. Some very talented singers lie discarded on the path to the Idol like so much roadkill and THIS GIRL makes it to the final four?!

Lambs.

Screaming.

Screaming lambs.

Many, many screaming lambs.

Oh, well.

At least the other three were worthy. I must say that I have a whole new respect for Disney Diana. Tonight, she shed her supercute, bubbly, "I'm a pageant queen" act and threw down like a true disco diva. Did you see her? Now that was how a 16 year old should represent on the show. No handicap points for being a kid. That girl CAME TO PLAY. I was most impressed. She was, in fact, the best of the evening. Next to Tasia. I fully admit that I am biased. I love Tasia and I'll never admit anyone is better. Even if they are.

Was it just me or was Tasia showing visible booty crack during that second song? Because, yeah, we all need heroes (as her song said) but we don't all need to see booty crack on our TV screens. In fact, I'm pretty sure VERY FEW of us are wanting to see that. Get some higher riding pants, girlfriend. Keep the crack to yourself.

That said, she was as stage-worthy as usual. Heck, she could sing the Warren Commission Report on the assassination of JFK and I'd buy the CD. I'm beginning to feel that there is nothing this girl cannot do.

LaToya was good. Competent. Flawless. And cold. I love her voice. But I don't like her. I don't CARE when she sings. She irritates me. Although a shoutout to her family who wore suits in the audience. Ladies in suits. The polar opposite of the ghetto-licious looks sported by the Tasia crowd...

What more can I say?

It's all over but the shouting.

Unless y'all lose your minds and eliminate my girl.

Then y'all will have some serious EXPLAINING to do...

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa

The Countdown Begins

So we're down to the final four. Tasia, Flower Girl, Disney Toon and LaToya.

To their credit, all can sing. To their credit, none possess the ability to commit crimes against humanity with their vocal chords -- the way Marine Boy did last year as one of the Final Four. Who can forget the horror? I STILL wake in the middle of the night, cold sweat, lambs screaming, wondering where we went wrong as a nation.

But this time, America got it right. Or at least ALMOST right -- the howls of protest over the ousting of Jenny FTB still echo in us all. But still, even with Jenny gone...well, y'all know my mantra: in order for a Diva to win, a Diva had to go. And a savvy AI viewer might have already realized that in order for THE Diva (Tasia) to win, Georgie had to go. So the pieces are in place. The pawns have been taken out. The queens remain. All that is left is for my girl Tasia to make the right move with the right song and...CHECKMATE.

Come on, y'all. She's the Idol. You know she is. Give her the crown already!

These next few weeks, I'll be voting hard and posting harder. You just know that we're in for the ride of our lives, complete with weave bangs, too tight outfits, and A LOT of oversinging. Especially tonight -- DISCO night. Viva la 70s! Viva la polyester! Viva la Donna Freakin' Summer!

Does it get any better than this?

Well...okay, yeah it does. I mean, COME ON. But it's as good as it's gonna get. And, as a bonus, UPN is showing an hour long update on America's Next Top Model right after our show.