He's sleepy and church-y no more!

See? That's what happens when you dabble in Elvis.

And did I not call it by rescinding my affections last night? It's as if, deep down in places I don't like to talk about at cocktail parties, I knew. My heart, to paraphrase a certain scrawny chanteuse, simply would not go on. Really, I was shocked to see him go. I was sure I was the only one who'd had enough. But I think Sleepy Church Boy offended both Elvis haters AND Elvis lovers. The haters couldn't take the noise. The lovers couldn't take the pathetic butchering of their beloved hillbilly boy's song.

Either way, Jon Peter Lewis has been released back into society. Which means...

SPAWN OF SATAN IS STILL ON MY TV SCREEN!!!!!

(note: please feel free to phone the senior citizen in your life and read aloud to them these following paragraphs verbatim)

Please. I beg of you, American old people. I beseech the senior citizens of this country to put an end to our misery. Look, I know you lose your bifocals from time to time. I know the batteries for your hearing aids often conk out. That's a shame for you. But HE IS NOT FRANK SINATRA. No matter how much you want him to be, he's not. I hate to be the one to break the news. But...

...Frank is dead.

That's right. Dead. Frank is dead. D-E-A-D. Old Blue Eyes is dead and buried. I'm sorry if no one told you before. But it's best you face the truth.

Perhaps you think Opie Head is simple the REINCARNATION of Frank. Interesting idea. But...NO. Look. Be logical about this. If Frank Sinatra were going to come back, if he were going to bother with reincarnation, he absolutely would not come back as Opie Head. This is Frank we are talking about. He was too wild, too into the parties, too into the bad boy fun. So if Sinatra were going to come back, Opie Head would be the LAST body he'd head for. You know who Sinatra would come back as?

Russell Crowe.

That's right. Russell Crowe. A bad-boy hottie from down under who likes to kick ass, take names, date a lot of chicks and jam with his band.

Or maybe P-Diddy. A bad boy hottie from Manhattan who likes to kick ass, take names, date a lot of chicks and groove with his crew.

You looking for Frank? Go see Gladiator. Watch Making the Band II.

You looking for the Spawn of Satan? Watch American Idol 3.

I've explained it the best I can. I hope you get the picture. Because I don't want to start hiding your arthritis medication to keep you from voting. I don't want to.

But I will.

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.

Did you SEE it?!!!

Did you?

DID YOU?!!

To anyone who was crazy enough to be working or cooking dinner or caring for their children and thus MISSED it, let me just say this one little thing:

IN YOUR FACE!!!

Okay. That was wrong. That was wrong and mean and bad. But gosh frickin' frackin' dang-nabbit, if you didn't see AI tonight you missed the SINGLE GREATEST EPISODE IN THE HISTORY OF THE AI WORLD!

Think I'm exaggerating? HA! I'm not. You missed the best performances ever. Better than any Tamyra. Better than Ruben's "A Whole New World". Better than Clay's "Solitaire". Even better than Trenyce's possession by the voice of Ms. pre-crack Whitney. I'm serious. If you missed tonight...well, I don't want to scare you but LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT IS OVER. Can I get an amen from my brothers and sisters who saw it? Can I get an AMEN? I know I can.

How did I love tonight's show? Let me count the ways.

1) Quentin Tarantino.
I'm big enough to admit I was wrong. I have forever vowed to carry my hatred of Tarantino to my grave and yet, after tonight, I cannot. Because Tarantino was the BEST JUDGE EVER. Seriously. Why? A) He's a true freakie fan of the best kind in that he loves the people WE love and clearly watches every single episode. B) He stepped up to the plate and gave real criticism. He was like a second Simon. So he's off my list. How can I not love a man who tells Sinatra Boy straight out that he is not a fan?

2) Jenny From the Block
Girlfriend broke it DOWN with some Whitney. And not just any Whitney. Trenyce's Whitney. "I Have Nothing" Whitney. AND SHE DID IT BETTER THAN TRENYCE. Oh, yes she did. Blasphemy? No, y'all. TRUTH. Jenny FTB's Whitney was amazing because it WAS NOT WHITNEY. It was full on Jenny FTB with her own sound and her own take on the song -- something that Trenyce (with her tendency to perform flawless impersonations instead of interpretations) could never manage to do. Jenny FTB brought down the house with her Whitney and she did it with visible back fat showing through the straps of her too tight floor length chiffon gown. Which only makes her even greater in my book. If you can bring down the house with visible back fat and all...girl, you KNOW you can SANG.

3) LaToya
Now, I was scared for LaToya. I was afraid that, like the other people who had the misfortune of singing AFTER Fantasia (more on her later), her usually competent voice would sound no better than Sinatra Boy's howls. Oh, no, no, no. Not LaToya. LaToya took the stage and belted out a version of "Somewhere" from West Side Story that made me actually applaud right there in my living room. Now, I love musicals. I especially love West Side Story. And I don't like anybody messing with my songs. But LaToya proved she had the power and the talent to recreate "Somewhere" into a soulful, blues-y, ballad that was A-MA-ZING. And she did it all without back fat.

4) Sleepy Church Boy
If there is one singer I CAN NOT STAND, it is Elvis. Not only did he steal all his songs from poor black people in the South but his flailing hip movements that most Graceland freakies call dancing are nothing more than pelvic spasms. Plus, he died on a toilet. (Don't write me hate letters. You like Elvis? Fine. Go ahead and like him. But I don't. That's my right as an American. Leave me be.) Now, Sleepy Church Boy sang "Jailhouse Rock." He sang "Jailhouse Rock" and he performed flailing hip movements. And so it has finally happened. Hmm. How do I put this? It's over. Between Sleepy and me. The love affair has ended. The miracle is over, I'm leaving Brigadoon. Sleepy is dead to me as of this evening. I can put up with a lot for the man I love. I can stand by him through "Drift Away", through "Tiny Dancer", hell I can even stand by him through "Rocket Man." But I won't love a man who has gone over to the dark side. I won't love a man through Elvis.

5) Georgie and Diana
Both had weak nights. George was good -- but not great. Which hurt him on a night when so many others SHINED like diamonds. Diana tried to pull a Celine with "My Heart Will Go On". A) She's no Celine. B) She's no K-Lo. And C) America is sick of Titanic and of Celine. All in all, both were forgettable enough to perhaps find themselves shaking in their boots as part of tomorrow night's bottom three. Let's hope that America gets it right and sends the redheaded Spawn of Satan packing instead.

And last but NEVER, EVER least:

6) The Woman, The Myth, The Legend
Let me preface by saying that, if you did not think that Tasia's performance was the single greatest performance in the history of AI, then it is possible that you are either a) deaf or b) so whacked up on the crack that you don't even know your own mama let alone know talent when you see it. If you DID happen to think it was the greatest single performance in the history of AI, come on over and sit by ME! My GAWD, that girl can sing. She's past SANGING. She's way on up into DIVALAND.

For those who missed this episode (and once again -- IN YOUR FACE!): Wearing a simple elegant gown accessorized by heinous faux gold, dangly, ghetto earrings and -- what is clearly the hot new look for fools -- "weave bangs", Tasia sat on the floor of the AI stage. She sat on the stage with her gold eye shadow and her foot long fingernails. And she sang the Gershwin tune "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.

Let me say that again.

Weave bangs.

Ghetto earrings.

Foot long fingernails.

"Summertime."

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sounds like it. But it was UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE! She can have all the weave bangs she wants. Her fingernails can be TEN FEET long if that makes her happy. It was the most astoundingly elegant and moving and stylish performance I HAVE EVER SEEN.

It was Jospehine Baker. It was Nina Simone. It was Streisand. It was Billie FREAKING Holliday.

IT WAS DIVA-LICIOUS.

It. Took. My. Breath. Away.

And it made every single other person who took that stage sound like a sad amateur. Poor little Flower Girl had to sing right after Tasia and...well, she sounded just as good as she always does. I guess. I couldn't actually hear her after Tasia. My ears were ruined for anyone else. We all felt like that. Everyone (the audience, the judges, me, Quentin) sat there like...SO WHAT? Yeah, she got applause. But it was sad, pity applause. It was "damn, girl, you are no Fantasia" applause. And it was worse for that redheaded Spawn of Satan. He sang "Time Goes By" from Casablanca. His true era. And I don't know, maybe he was good. I don't know because I refused to listen. My standards had been so permanently raised by Tasia that I COULD NOT taint my ears one more night with his breathy bleating Sinatra imitations.

Tasia sang "Summertime" sitting on the floor. Hands tied behind her back, metaphorically speaking. She didn't even throw a "yeah, yeah" on the end. She just...sang. Very simple. Very elegant. Very "you wish you were me but you can't be me". She blew everyone away. And then she did something decidedly un-Tasia -- she cried. She cried and then I cried and then I replayed the whole thing over on my Tivo and cried all over again.

Tasia was flawless. Ghetto earrings and all. I'm thinking of buying some. And getting a set of weave bangs. Maybe then I'll have some of whatever kind of mojo magic dust she's got. Think about it. LaToya has weave bangs too. Weave bags. Talent. Weave bangs=talent? Hmm...

I'll say it one more time: THE SINGLE GREATEST EPISODE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Who knew weave bangs could be so powerful?


This is Shonda, reporting blissfully happy from my sofa.

It's true.

So I had heard the rumor early this morning and after checking the email tonight our main man G has let us know that it's posted on the Idol website as well. So it's a sad, sad, night all....

Thanks as always G!

I'm out.

Idol rescheduled?!?

The word from my source today says American Idol will NOT air tonight because of the presidents prime time address. Apparently they will tape tonight and air the show tomorrow night. Results show will then be pushed to Thursday night. This better not bump heads with my other favorite show on right now - The Apprentice.

I do not have this on record anywhere - like I said, it's just the word from my connection. Tune in and see just to be sure so you don't miss it if it's just talk. I hope it is (just talk) I need some Idol tonight ya'll!

I'm out.