AI Gone Wild

What happened to the Wild Card Round?

Yeah, it's still there. But it's missing something. Where are the true spoilers? All the judges did was pick 12 people from the Round of 32 -- 12 people America obviously didn't think could cut it or else they'd already be in. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to see Sleepy Church Boy still has a shot. And Clay DID come from the round of 32 in AI2. But last year's Wild Card Round had a truly, well...WILD feeling about it. In it, the judges brought back all KINDS of people -- most notably contestants who made it to Hollywood but not to the 32. You entered the Wild Card Round feeling like ANYTHING could happen. Why? You hadn't heard some of those people sing before. You had NO idea what kind of talent might break free in the Wild Card Round. This year, we know exactly what we are getting.

Sigh.

I predict that Jennifer, Leah, Suzy and Sleepy Church (a girl's GOTTA dream...) will make it into the final 12. And I predict that it will be Simon who chooses Leah as we know the American Public hates her. I also predict that my sister Sandie will explode a blood vessel in her brain if Georgie Porgie doesn't make it to the finals (girl, you better start praying, chanting, saying roasaries or sacrificing little goats -- whatever you think will work to get your man in).

Last year was more fun. Last year's Wild Card had verve (love that word, people don't use it enough).

Of course, last year's Wild Card also rained upon us the nightmare of Goat Girl so I guess I shouldn't be complaining.

Wild Card

Hhmm... o.k. let's be real. They HAD to come up with 12 people for the wild card round - which ain't easy if you consider an entire group basically tanked their round. So I suppose, maybe I'll let it slide that Ohio Boy (Matthew) and Marque I'm a Singer Not a Dancer Really I am Lynche have crept their way into the next round for another chance at fame. Look, I'm not even gonna complain about Happy Hula Girl and Frank Sinatra getting the most votes last night(!!!!!!! people it's hard to pass this one up though!!!!!). I'm only able to do it because Sassy Hair Susie and my George made it in anyway through the back door. Last night when the top two were announced I thought little George's head would pop off with all the well wishes and excitement he showered upon his fellow contestants - and it was all because he knew. He knew he'd already drawn the lucky card by being called up to replace Donnie. Obviously they liked him - yeah I'll be back at ya next week in the wild card round you wannabes - that's what he was thinking while hugging and smiling his "friends" and all that bubbly hooha going on center stage. Alright. I'm a little bitter he didn't get in outright the RIGHT way. There I said it. I'm guessing good old George Ricky Huff would NEVER think such horrific thoughts about anyone. Never. Hhhmmph. That's o.k. George I'll think them for you.

Anyway.... my favs this round are of course my girl Jenny from the Block (Jennifer Hudson), GH and Lisa Lose Some Weight Leuschner. I hope they blow this thing out next week. I don't think Claymation, Dream Dancer/Singer or Ohio Boy have a chance. And maybe if Leah and Tiara can avoid a messy train wreck of a I'm going for the Most Runs and Glory Notes possible performance they'll do alright as well. Don't care what happens to the rest... well, maybe one. Admittedly, I'd like to see if Sleepy Church Boy can pull another performance like his initial audition piece.

I'm out.

Don't ask, Don't tell

Well apparently the AI producers have handed down this memo this year. Ryan isn't allowed to ask - the contestants are not allowed to tell.... JUST HOW DID GEORGE SUDDENLY APPEAR IN THIS GROUP??!!?? Funny, but even though we've read the articles and we know I wanted to hear what THEY had to say about it. Nope. The gag order is out this season. There shall be no scandalous issues discussed this year. Everyone signed the memo and now they're obligated to be bound by the gag order for fear of... fear of... Hhhmm.... Just what horrible fate could be cast down upon them?!?! They're all amateur singers from nowhere anyway. Come on.

ANYWAY... so about the show. I didn't hate it like you did Shonda. I really didn't. There certainly were some pitiful moments that's for sure. But it didn't have me all rattled like group 2. I actually found myself fascinated with Randy, Paula and Simon's comments. O.k. I must have been so bored with the singers that I focused on them instead. But anyway, the comments were perfect this week. So perfect that I don't feel the need to talk about the performances myself only to tell you what the judges key words were. It says it all in every case.

Sassy Hair Suzy - Sassy came out and sang a good strong Toni Braxton tune. Sounding an awful lot like her too. She reminded me of Trenyce's stalking behavior in regards to how she mastered every sound of Whitney.
Randy: I was wondering what song you were gonna sing and all. ... That was actually pretty good.
Paula: You are the... (pause) (In her head: Wait what was that big word I used? What was I saying? hhmm...)
Simon: Did either of you hear anything different about that?

John - BORING dreary rendition of something. Who cares. I laughed my butt off at Simon's comment!!!
Randy: Dude that wasn't in tune. ... Not for me.
Paula: You had some pitch problems.
Simon: Ice skating. ... It sounded like you should be skating and singing.

Kim Lite II - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooohhh, I Got a New Attitude. How about a new career choice to go along with that? Terrible howling rendition of a Patti LaBelle tune. Let me just add Patti to the don't even TRY to sing that diva's songs list. I loves me some Patti LaBelle. Anyway, I digress...
Randy: I feel like I just walked into a hotel, looked over at the lounge and there's a band playing. You're the singer.
Paula: Poor song choice. Your vocals were a little cheesy.
Simon: I would hate to be staying at that hotel (referring to Randy's comment) ...You're ugly when you perform. (MORE LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Frank Sinatra reincarnated - Good voice, safe boring performance. Really nice boy, but he definitely has no stage presence.
Randy: I was almost falling asleep. I didn't get it.
Paula: We missed the throw back style.
Simon: Terrible performer. ... I actually hope you do well because for me you're different.

Jasmine Hula hips- hhhmmm.. a bit out of tune and "scratchy" in places. I admit that I didn't actually catch all of what the judges said because I was just wondering whose 80's closet she raided to find that horrible diagonal mess of a dress.
Randy: he basically said what I said (minus the comment about the dress)
Paula: the old Paula was back for this one moment ... she heaped on a whole bunch of gobbledy goop about potential.
Simon: You're young, cute ... pretty good voice... you'll get lots of votes.

George Ricky Huff - LOVES ME SOME GEORGE!!!!!!!!! I don't want to hear anything you have to say about my beloved GH Shonda. So charming, excited, and a fabulous voice. But just like Ricky probably not memorable enough to win over the majority of voters. I voted a million and one times for you George!!!
Randy: Started off rough but got really good. The best male singer in the competition right now.
Paula: Charming.... (plus some more gobbledy goop)
Simon: No doubt that this boy has a good voice... don't think he has the charisma to be a star.

Model Girl - She is without a doubt the most ridiculous selection to have made the final 32. And is anyone surprised that she wore a tube top?!? Hang on to all those head shots baby from the model agency... you're gonna need them.
Randy: How do you think you did? ...You were shouting... Not good enough.
Paula: I do feel you were screaming and shouting the song... that became a little grating. (A rude comment!?! Why PAULA hush your mouth!)
Simon: I don't think there's any chance of you making it through after that performance.

Tiara - 1st of all stop this minute with I Wanna Dance with Somebody. Bad choice already. 2nd she stole some Grease II cast member's costume for the show. Wow. Can we not talk about the vocals?
Randy: Started out strong then ... I don't know... bad arrangement, weird modulation (translation YOU SUCKED!)
Paula: mumbled something about the modulation and her and Randy's knees knocking together.
Simon: I thought it was a complete mess. A train wreck.

Now I voted whole heartedly for George and didn't care about anybody else in this group. The judges seemed to think that Tiara (wow another freakish name) was one of the strongest women vocally in the competition (just had a bad performance). I did not. And don't care about Hula girl or Sassy Hair either. So who will it be???

Those of us on the East Coast will see very shortly! You latecomers on the other coast are forced to suffer a few more hours. No pity here.

I'm out.

Where do they find these people?

Well, we're finally done with the round of 32 performances. And THANK GOD. Tonight was...

...how do I put this...

...MORE THAN I COULD STAND!

Okay, y'all, so this group wasn't as bad as the howling voices of the 2nd group. That's true. I admit it. But nothing could have been worse than Jesus and his brother stanking up my Tivo. So being better than group 2 ain't nothing to brag about.

Here's the breakdown:

1) Fiji Suzy: Great hair, great voice, FAB skirt. FAB. Did you see it? An asymmetrical black number full of buckles and rouching (maybe "rouching" isn't a word but looking at the skirt, I thought "rouching" so I'm using it. Sue me.). That skirt made me want to go out to the store and shop and that's saying something as, these days, the only shopping I do is online in the comfort of my home. Very fashion forward, very Vogue. Skirt aside, I liked her. I liked her song and, after watching the other seven performances, I LOVED her song. Plus, she's from Fiji and ain't nobody from Fiji these days. Go Fiji!

2) John: I can't give him a nickname as I don't bestow nicknames on boring people. He tried really, really, really, really, really hard to show us what a good singer he was by doing a series of disturbing deep knee bends as he sang. Apparently DEEP KNEES BEND = GOOD SINGER. Not. The boy was pitch-free, never enunciated a single syllable and got on my last nerve by smiling too much. On top of which, he was kind of dorky. Note to John: that geek-chic-aw-shucks thing only works if you are Clay Aiken. And honey, you ain't even close. Please go home and leave us all in peace.

3) Ugly Face Girl: "Look at me! I am Kim Caldwell! I AM! I AM!" Now, those of you who've been reading us since last season know how we feel about Kim (Lite) Caldwell. Kim Caldwell is the anti-Christ around this blog. The fact that this girl's heinous performace made me think even one kind thought about Kim Lite makes me raise my fists and shout to the heavens, "Damn you, Ugly Face! Damn you and your descendants to the fiery pits!!!" Especially since she defiled the good vocals of my girl Miss Patti LaBelle. That was an act of sacrilege. Sadly, the odd gyrations that I can only guess Ugly Face thought were dance moves did not cause the ground to open up and swallow her. I won't even mention the dog collar necklace, bad highlights and unfortunate fashion choices. Oh my.

4) Sinatra's Kid: I like this kid. He's adorable in an Opie, Howdy Doody, Clay Aiken way. Plus he's sweet and frankly, I think there's something oddly magnetic about him. That said, he should really only ever sing Rat Pack tunes. He sounds a little lost singing anything else.

5) Hula Girl: She's cute, she has a great voice. But, like the girl from Group 1, she giggles too much for me. Plus, she's vacant in that way of 17 year olds who have never EVER read a book without pictures. Vote her through if you must but I won't be dialing her number tonight. I have this thing about stupid people. They make me want to put my own eyes out.

6) George: My sister Sandie loves this guy. I get that. George is sweet as pie. You just want to bring him home and feed him greens and cornbread and listen to him talk about his mama. But, like Rickey from Season 2, George won't make it very far if he gets into the final 12. Unlike Rickey, I won't be sad. George doesn't do it for me. Although I can't help wishing him the best. SWEET AS PIE.

7) Annoying Female Model Who Spent the Hollywood Round Flirting With Annoying Male Model: I HATE THIS GIRL. Not only did she wear a shirt that said, "Look at my enormous Ta-Tas!", she also CAN NOT SING. She can, however, SCREAM. And she proved it by screaming her entire song. Hate her. HATE HER. HAAAAAAAATE HER!!!!!!!! See? I can scream too. Doesn't mean I should be the American Idol.

8) Hair Nightmare: Holy Freaky Hair Do, Batman! Girl, get yourself to a hairdresser. 'Cause them red-tipped wings you were sprouting off your head were most unfortunate. How many times do I have to tell y'all: don't be showing up on Tivo without your hair done. Now, this girl had a good voice. Unfortunately, she buried beneath what I like to loosely term as "vocal stylings".

Vocal stylings? Whatever do you mean, Shonda?

Glad you asked. Vocal Stylings (VS) occur when a girl who has been singing in church too long decides that the best way to showcase her voice is hit as many notes as she can while singing one syllable of a lyric. VS also occurs when a girl whose mama has applauded every time her child hit a high note in the shower decides that the best way to showcase her voice to make EVERY note a high note. This is your voice. THIS! IS! YOUR! VOICE! ON! VS! Any questions?

Ugh.

Y'all, the only person I thought worth my vote was Fiji Chick. And that was mainly because I can't wait to see what she wears next.

This is Shonda, reporting bored from my sofa.

Backup Dancers As Key to Happiness

If there is one thing (okay, two things...wait, no...three things) that last night's episode of AI taught me, it is that:

1) Life will seem better if you have backup dancers gyrating around you and treating you like a God. Especially if you are a geeky civil engineering major with scary teeth and eyes that are too close together.

2) Not even the best of backup dancers can make you actually LOOK like a God. Especially if you are a geeky civil engineering major with scary teeth and eyes that are too close together.

3) Backup dancers will probably dump you once you realize that the world isn't laughing with you but AT you and go back to civil engineering. Besides, they have bony hard shoulders to cry on.