Before I EVEN talk about this evening's one shining moment, let me admit in the interest of full disclosure...
I have called in and voted for Sleepy Church Boy (aka Pen Salesman aka Jon Peter) about 672 times since the voting lines opened.
Yeah, I said Sleepy Church Boy.
That's right.
SLEEPY. CHURCH. BOY.
You wanna make something of it? 'Cause I'll fight you if I have to.
I will KNOCK YOU OUT.
Look, the boy's performance tonight was nothing short of mediocre. I know that. I'm not deaf. But I can't help it y'all. I love me some Sleepy Church Boy. I think I now know what was wrong with all those crazy fans who voted for Marine Boy or Kim Lite over and over again: they was CRA-ZEE. 'Cause that's what I am. Crazy for Sleepy Church Boy. I'm all "you jump/I jump" over Sleepy. I'm all swelling Celine Dion song-"Jack, I'm flying"-My Heart Will Go On in love with Sleepy. Don't know why. He's no Ruben. Hell, he ain't even a Clay. But he's Sleepy and he's Church-y and he's mine. Go figure.
That said, there was only one reason to be watching your Tivo tonight and that reason was LaToya, a girl sadly named after the worst, freakiest, least talented of all the Jackson clan. But no one on Earth will be confusing her with her whack-weave-wearing, so-much-plastic-surgery-having-that-her-face-is-a-quilt namesake. No, no, NO.
Because this LaToya can SANG.
I was not expecting it. No one was. She got no play during the audition episodes and she did look a bit "mumsy" to quote Simon. But then she got on stage and, not only did she sing one of my all-time favorite songs, she sang it like nobody's BIZNESS. She had all the skill of Kelly C. and all the audience appeal of Ruben S and all the talent of somebody completely new. It was all good.
This competition is all about Fantasia and LaToya. Two women with the good sense and the confidence to turn their backs on the weave world and sport supershort FAB 'dos. Two women with voices. Two women of color. I can say it right now: this season is gonna be GOOOOOOOOOD.
LaToya was the best of them. Now for the rest of them.
Elizabeth: She has a good voice. But I wasn't down with the booty-hugging dress or the wild dance moves. I don't think America will be down with it either.
Yodeler: You ain't Clay. You can never be Clay. You can never be Clay's boyfriend. Please stop the falsetto and go on back home where you belong.
Amy: Note to Amy -- lose the pink hair. It clashed with your makeup. Wait? You say you are a makeup artist? Wha...? Well, then what happened to your face? Wait? You say you were TRYING to look like a hooker? Oh. Okay then. You succeeded.
The thing is, she's got a great voice. I even liked her. But the makeup? My eyes, dear God, my eyes....!
Sleepy: He was GOOD, okay? He was. He really was. Okay, he wasn't. But I don't care. As Mrs. Shonda Church Boy, I cannot speak against my husband. When he makes it to the next round (dear God, please!), he will show you what he is made of. I know that is my blind spot talking but a girl has got to try.
Dances with Bad Vocals: Oh, Charly. My poor baby. That was not good. And I had such high hopes for you. Here's a rule to remember: Don't sing Aretha unless you actually ARE Aretha. And don't wear pink ruffle dresses unless you are Cyndi Lauper circa 1985.
Hawaii 5-0: Dude, go back to free stylin' and save us all the pain.
Bulgarian Diva: Watching Leah, one thing became perfectly clear -- Leah loves her some Leah. But here's the thing: to us diehard AI fans, Trenyce's performances are still too fresh in our minds for this kid to be trying to break out with the Whitney. The only people who can sing Whitney without me thinking they are on crack are Trenyce and...
(...well, these days we're all wondering if Whitney herself is on the crack so...)
...just Trenyce. Don't try to bring it with Whitney because you will never measure up. But honestly, I think the audience might vote Leah through anyway. There is no accounting for taste.
What made the show good was that it closed on LaToya. Now, listen to me, people: I wasted all my time voting for Sleepy. That means SOMEBODY has to pick up the slack. And that somebody is you. That's right. YOU. So get to your phones. Hit the redial over and over. And put our girl in the Final Twelve!
This is Shonda, reporting very much alive from my sofa.