Ohio Boy

So the fatal train wreck that was Ohio Boy in the top 3 is precisely what I was referring to Tuesday night when I said VOTE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CAN SING!

People. People!! Ya'll know that boy's voice was no where near Diana and Fantasia's voices. Come on. Let's just get that I'm gonna vote for the cute one thing out of your system good any early. I sure hope this is not a sign of things to come. I'm still shaking my head thinking about it.

Alright now that we got that straightened out let's just talk about how excited I am for Miss Fantasia and Lady Di. You know Shonda if you lightened her hair and put a pretty blue headband in it she could very well be Alice... in Wonderland. Heehee. I know that just burns you up. But hey, the girl can sing her little 16 year old butt off. And she is a great performer too. And sit down and play that Tivo back. She has already toned down that show girl smile too. Go ahead, play it back. I did. She's getting serious about this. And don't let me say I told you so. Cause I'm not really an I told you so kind of gal. Uhhmm.... wait a minute. I am. I told you so.

So I'm also hoping that Jenny from the Block (aka Jennifer) gets the nod in the wild card round. I think Randy will pick her. He really likes her. But here's another told you so coming. I said last night, there's something about her. I still don't know what it is, but it's that same something that people felt about K-Lo. They knew she could sing, but they just weren't interested. That is until later. And hopefully she'll get back in and get her chance at later. I'm think 'bout ya Jenny from the Block. Go on with your bad self. Own that moment you had in the spotlight girl.

Sigh. Trying to give my girl some words on inspiration.

Next week's group is definitely gonna be trying as well. Shonda, I'll add You Need to Lose Weight Girl to the list of those that I could have a hard time deciding between. You know, what 's her name? Lisa, maybe? Anyway, with her, the biblical twins, Rose Bowl ring and Camile singing about her crew from the ghetto of Hawaii who are we gonna vote for? Who will we be forced to leave behind? You know what though, I don't see anyone from this group strong enough to get picked up in the wild card round over Jenny from the block or even Katie. Yep, I said it. But that's just my opinion. We'll see what comes out of their mouths when they try to sing next week! As we know that could change everything.

Where's a good pimp when you need him?? ............... Erskine........ sigh................

I'm out.

Hmph!

So it's Fantasia and Fluffy Puppy.

Fantasia = WHOO-HOO!

Fluffy Puppy = Nails on my Mental Chalkboard.

Sandie, what are you complaining about? You LOVE Fluffy Puppy. You are all over Fluffy Puppy. You have a sad whack thing for the Fluffy Puppy. And now...we are stuck with Fluffy Puppy in the final 12. Y'all, I don't want to suggest that my sister has special secret mojo powers but...you can blame her for this. Believe you me, that Minnie Mouse smile is going to wear pretty dang thin on your patience in the coming weeks.

Here's what surprised me. The losers. That was the HAPPIEST bunch of losing people I ever did see. Nobody cried. Nobody got that look on their face. You know, that look that says "SCREW YOU AMERICA!" Everybody was just as pleasant and cute as can be. Did they all take LSD before the show or something?

Their families were another story. People looked downright livid that their loved one was dissed by the voters. Good for you, angry family members. I like to see some bitterness. It speaks of the naked ambition, overstroked egos and broken dreams that form the bedrock of the America our founding fathers fought for.

Now, for the shout outs...

I'd live to give a shout out to Fantasia's family for getting a super quick makeover that turned them from ghetto fabulous into stylishly Vogue-worthy. I'd also like to give a shout out to Jennifer aka Former Raggedy Ann: girl, get you a wild card slot and don't look back. A final shout out goes to the American public. Yes, y'all put Ohio Boy in the top three. Which means you were clearly smoking the crack. But you must have only smoked a tiny bit of crack because Ohio Boy is going back to Ohio where he belongs. At least this time you voted for people who could sing. I ain't mad at ya.

Even if one of the people you voted for needs to be put in an asylum for the Terminally Adorable.

Next week's group scares me just as much as this week's. I mean we got Jesus, Noel, Rose Bowl Boy and Scratchy-Voiced Waitress all in one group. Whew. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stand it. Y'all better pick Jesus. Love me some Jesus. And I have a soft spot for Scratchy-Voiced Waitress Camile. She's so sweet.

Why can't it be next Tuesday already!??!!

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.

The results...

alright this time difference is REALLY killing me here! I mean I've known for hours now ....

that once again America can't figure out what the heck the competition is all about. Let me give you a hint people:

SINGING!!!!!!!!!!

aahhhhh!!!!

Alright. There. I feel better .... I guess.

I'm out before I write too much and let it slip .....

Where's a good pimp when you need him?

Come on. Where can a girl find her pimp when she needs to hear some good music?!? He's changed his ways ya'll. Went to the church of suburbanite family men or something. You know I'm talking about Erskine. Erskine, Erskine, Erskine. He was honestly my biggest disappointment of the evening. I just knew he'd pull out the good stuff. I just wanted to know what color hat he'd wear for the big occasion. Suede or velvet. Well, I was looking at all the contestants on the couches backstage with Ryan and I said to myself "Where the heck is Erskine?" "And who the heck is THAT guy?" I swear I didn't even know it was him. Well, no matter anyway. He did such a pitiful version of Open Arms - which should never be attempted by a former pimp by the way - that I just shook my head. The voting wouldn't turn out to be so difficult after all. One less contender.

O.k. now Shonda you can hate on my Diana. But mark my words: SHE WILL LIVE ON!!!!!! She's just plain good and she will appeal to the young teenage girls voting. And a whole lot of pop singers out there today sang somewhere pretty near Minnie and Mickey Mouse on that horrible Mouseketeer Club. No they weren't actually Minnie, but might as well have been. Think what you want, but like Gloria Gaynor, she will survive.

Marque - hhmmm.... which one, what did he sing, was he there? Get the point. Totally unmemorable performance.

Ashley - alright her voice is great. Really it was. Very strong. But yes, her outfit was terrible. And I only have one more thing to say: Lest you are not clear on this point - don't for one minute believe that a Patsy Cline impersonation will win you a spot in the finals of American Idol. Next.

Katie - well she can sing too. There is no doubt about that. And I think she may still pull out one of the two spots on charisma, looks and whatever else it is that Shonda seems to see in her. But I'm not hot on her at all. Just not feeling you dawg. And anyway who cares Katie if you're "wearing a cute dress" !!!!!!! HELLO!?!? Did anyone else hear that crap? If she doesn't make it through this round I bet the judges will pick her as a wild card. Just a little prediction.

Jennifer - I too drop the Raggedy Ann name. She pulled it together last night. Her mane was tamed. And I happen to have liked her outfit actually. Well, not liked, but it wasn't bad. Now her relatives with the bad ghetto family reunion t-shirts on ... that's another story. You know what I'm talking about. Those Rollins Family Reunion shirts with big mamma's face on the front? Come on, don't act like I'm the only one who knows. Well anyway, I forgot about the shirts when she cried. And I cried a tear or two for her too. LOVED her. Loved that she was so overwhelmed and blessed feeling. Own it Jennifer, own your moment of fame. Now, there's something about her though that will probably play her out pretty much like K-Lo last season. I can't quite put my finger on it. But even though there's no doubt that she can sing her big Chi Town butt off she probably won't get the votes... won't get the props she deserves. I hope I'm wrong about this cause I love this girl's voice. We'll see.

Matthew - no. Not even anywhere close to the other contestants we saw last night. The only thing he has going for him is the cute boy factor. Some really annoying voters will call and call for him just because he's so cute. May your phone lines melt from this blasphemy. Randy said it best - You're a really good looking guy. You look good on camera. But dude... you're nowhere near good enough. That was not good at all.

Fantasia - I don't think I have to say anything more. FANTASIA. That's all. Her lips are big and her voice is even bigger. Those were her words not mine. Well, she was right. That girl just wore that mic out. Simon's comments will forever ring in my ears : Every other contestant here needs this show. They need this show to get a contract. They need this show to become a star. You don't. I LOVED THAT! Like I said, she can't change the name now, it's too late. But she CAN tell her brother to take that stupid doo rag off his idiotic head the next time he goes on national t.v. I mean was that his dress doo rag? Poor thing. He didn't know. Anyway, all I have to say is if ya'll did not vote for Fantasia you should put down the crack right now and get into a recovery program. Preferably before the finals.

See you after the results.

I'm out.

Something to Talk About

Oh, it was good.

It was so good I have to use two syllables.

GO-OD.

It was good.

I am flying high because FINALLY we are back to the meat of the matter. Back to what this competition is all about. And what is this competition all about?

(say it with me people)

Mocking, dissing and insulting the contenders.

That's right.

Now, let me say that the level of talent in the contenders this year is FAR better than last year. There. I said it. Niceties are outta the way. Let's get down to business.

16 Year Old Pinkie: Sandie, I know you love her. And, yeah, she can sing. But she reminds me of a Disney character. All cute and round and happy and bubbly. Like Minnie Mouse. Like Bambi before someone blew away his mama. Like a fluffy little puppy successfully balancing on a beach ball -- very "look, what I can do!", very perky. You just want to burn her with cigarettes, beat her with wire hangers, press your hands to your head and shriek, "DEAR GOD, NOOOOOO!" Look, she's adorable. But I can't take 12 weeks of Fluffy Puppy. I don't have that kind of patience. I don't have that kind of Valium. Hopefully, she won't make it to the next round merely because she sang first and voters tend to forget the first singer unless the first singer's name is Ruben Studdard.

Tiny Dancer: He's tiny. He dances. He carries a tune. GO HOME.

The Good Girl: Simon called her "sweet." I call her "get the hell off my TV screen you bland, white bread, mortgage broker." Did anyone else notice that she has legs like tree trunks? Not that I'm hating on girls with thick legs. Go on and have legs the size of thousand year old oak trees if you want. Just don't show them to me on national TV in a miniskirt. There should be FCC rules about this sort of thing.

Bubbly: Bubbly has a certain something. Could be star quality in her soul. Could be Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders in her pants. I don't know. It doesn't matter. You just...like her. She's all girl-next-door and confident-party-girl and it's all good. I dug the dress and I dug the song. I even dug the highlights in her hair. However, I don't think she has the vocal goods that some others have. But you know what I said about AI voters and bubbly cute blond chicks...

Snoop Dogg: What happened to my Snoop? Gone were the braids. Gone were the cool caps. Gone was the LL Cool J with vocal talent of it all. He went all...Amish or something. Wholesome what with his mention of his family and his tears in rehearsal. And he sang "Open Arms". Open Arms? OPEN ARMS? Yeah, he did manage to infuse it with a vaguely hiphop sensibility. But, it was OPEN ARMS. I don't want hiphop Open Arms. NOBODY wants hiphop Open Arms. Plus, he messed up the first few notes. Where did my Snoop go? Oh, Snoop. We hardly knew ye...

Raggedy Ann: From this day forth, Raggedy Ann shall be known as Jennifer. Cheap hair is forgiven. She's earned the right to be called by name. Yeah, she was dressed as some kind of S&M freakish leather torture nurse. Yeah, her family wore "Jennifer" t-shirts from Wal-mart and sported bad ghetto hairdos. But Jennifer worked it. She SANG. She sang and then...

...she cried. She played the super humble, just-so-very-happy-to-be-here card and she played it HARD. I had to applaud the "I'm just a girl with cheap hair living my dream" of it all. Was it an act? I honestly don't think so. Damn, now I am forced to like her in spite of her fashion crimes.

Ohio Boy: He's CUTE! He's NICE! He's CUTE! He's NICE! He's...wait, he can't sing. Why is he here? Why isn't he at home singing the lead role in Brigadoon? Why can't I find the mute button on my remote control fast enough to SHUT HIM UP?!!!

Fantasia: Fantasia, Fantasia, Fantasia. Y'all, it's ALL ABOUT FANTASIA! Yes, her Mama deserves to be smacked for that name. But who cares? She could be called LaSheNeQuetta if she wants. Because Fantasia WALKED ALL OVER THE COMPETITION! For the first time in AI3, I got genuinely excited about someone. If she released her version of "Something to Talk About", I would buy it tomorrow. Heck, if she released her version of The Gettysburg Address, I would buy it tomorrow. She's funky, she's hip, she grooves and she has an incredibly unique sound.

FANTASIA!
(that was me doing a leap in the air for joy)

I have someone to root for.

Funny thing is, I thought tonight would be a 4-way competition. And it has really become a competition for the second slot. Because you JUST KNOW Fantasia is gonna get the first slot. Who should get the second? I want it to go to Jennifer but my money is Bubbly.

VOTE, y'all!

VOTE YOUR BUTTS OFF!!!

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.

Voting

So let's talk about something important. Not that what we haven't said so far wasn't important. But tonight begins the one part of the show that America needs some help on. We need some reminders, tips, pointers, comments, whatever you want to call 'em. It all boils down to this:

VOTE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO SING THEIR BUTTS OFF.

That's all really. I mean it seems so basic, yet.... well we know we had some major voting errors both of the last 2 seasons. Admit it. Josh - HUH?!?! Madrigal Girl?!?! - Who the heck was voting for this girl?!?!? Ryan Starr - need I even say anything about this one? What happened America? What happened? This isn't about the cute marine or the cute blonde or the CUTE ANYTHING. This is a talent contest and more specifically the talent we are looking for is singing - nothing else. Let me repeat, lest you did not see it the first time I wrote it back in 2003 - vote for the one who can sing.

Now, tonight will prove to be problematic. I am in 100% agreement with Shonda on this. They chose group one knowing that the majority of the best singers were all competing against each other for only 2 spots. 2 spots. I'm banking on the wild card choices to get the other superstars back in the game cause I'm still a believer. Sure, I'll believe again, for now. Unless two or three of them just get their butts up their and drown in a sea of bad notes and forgotten words I don't know how this is gonna play out. If I only get 2 of them I guess my picks based on what I've seen so far are Erskine the Pimp and Raggedy Ann.

This is not good people. I'm already stressed about this. I mean about only being able to vote 2 of these fabulous singers through tonight. Maybe someone will get arrested before tonight and the problem will be solved.

Well... enough speculation. I guess I'll just wait for the show.

I'm out.

It BEGINS...

So Oprah's also doing an AI-type contest. And, Oprah being Oprah, she's managed to do it better than the original.

Blasphemy?

I don't think so.

Yes, the contestants are mainly middle-aged mommies and daddies who look scary and sad in their belly shirts and low rise jeans. Yes, the hair stylist managed to turn each of them into freakish wig models. But, the judges...

Oprah got herself some real judges. Cyndi Lauper, Brian McKnight and Toni Braxton. And next week, she's got Babyface, Alicia Keys and Simon Cowell.

Yes, girl, I said SIMON COWELL.

He's cheating on his own show. But who wouldn't? I mean, Babyface and Alicia Keys beat Randy and Paula every day of the week.

Didn't see the show? Well, I won't bother with a recap (I don't cheat on AI -- I am AI monogamous). But I will tell you that there is only one Oprah Idol and that is a short-as-Prince babe by the name of Lorenzo.

Lorenzo.

Yeah, he's two feet tall. But the man can sing like nobody's business. You have GOT to check him out.

Back to my first love, AI...

I know I haven't written on last week's shows. Frankly, I was DONE with that portion of AI. To the ones who didn't make it through, all I can say is, don't let the door hit ya on the way out. I have no regrets or complaints about the ousting of Scooter Girl, Natalie Cole Girl or Summertime Singin' Daddy's Girl. Somebody had to get cut and, as long as I've still got Jesus and Sleepy Church Boy, I'm ready for the real competition to begin tonight.

This week's eight are Macy Gray Fantasia, Raggedy Ann Head Jennifer, Snoop Dogg Erskine (another smack-your-mama name!) and Bubbly Katie. There are four others but nobody cares about them because they got no camera play during the first weeks of the show. What we care about is that four of the best singers are singng on ONE NIGHT.

I'm scared, y'all.

Macy Gray, Raggedy Ann and Snoop Dogg all clearly deserve to be in the final twelve. It's like last year, when Ruben, K-Lo and Clay were all in the same group. Somebody's gonna have to sneak in on a wild card. Still, I'm worried. ONE might sneak in on a wild card but there's still Bubbly Katie to worry about.

Bubbly Katie can sing. And she's cute. And she's blond. America loves them a cute singing blond girl. So surely Bubbly gets through and maybe Macy gets through but then what happens to Raggedy and Snoop? TWO people from the same group getting in on the wild cards?

I don't think so.

Vote, people. Vote with all your might. I don't have anything against Bubbly. But come on...

Who is going to make better television? Bubbly? Or Snoop Dogg, Macy Gray and Raggedy Ann?

I think we all know the answer to that.