Time to get to the competition

Shonda has made some early picks. I am waiving my right to speculate. Until I see them all on Monday I just don't know. I think that FOX has shown us a little talent but has conveniently left out some of the big hitters. We'll see. But I know one thing - I'm sooooo ready to get to the REAL show now.

So let's look back to Wednesday night. I wasn't going to say anything about it cause you know, it's about all the same once you get to the 5th show of Insanely Deluded meets Affected meets Welcome to Hollywood. But after watching it back I now feel the need to comment on just a few things. (there's a suprise huh?)

Alright Shonda, first of all I made an observation about these singing Hawaiians. Ya'll are bringing some soul to the table. Raspy Divas, Hip Hop Beat Box and Sleep Church Boys are in the house.

So here are the ones that stood out enough to warrant a comment from me:

Big Girl - sorry Shonda but I would have to agree with the judges on this one. She wasn't bad, but she just wasn't all that. I will agree that clearly she was better than a few that we've seen make it through though. So I don't know. But I think going early on in the day seems to hurt those on the fence ones. The judges aren't jaded enough yet to be desperate to take them. She had the goods, but wasn't all that.

Bouncy Crystal - so the happy, bouncy girl with the Hawaii Loves Simon shirt on (has anyone seen airbrushed t-shirts like that since the 80's?) - was she good enough? Probably so. But here's a little lesson to all you wanna be singers out there: if you are representing yourself as a musical diva please know something about the music you're singing. She blew it when she said "I'm singing Swing Lo, Sweet Chariot - BY BEYONCE" that was the end of her. We heard Randy chuckle to himself as he thought "I don't care what you sound like now. See ya." If you were really into music girl you'd know that this song was WAY before Beyonce. And ya'll know I loves me some Beyonce, but come on, give this old classic the credit it deserves.

Camile - she was next and she outsang that Bouncy Crystal by a mile. Diva hip hop soul girl with the great raspy voice. Talking about her "crew" and all ... straight out of the ghettos of Hawaii???? Huh? But she was still good. I like this one.

Beat Box DJ - I liked him too. Another big man in the mix. Not that silky tone that Ruben has, but a different funky quality to his voice. Sounded good.

Mr Desperation - alright you all know who I'm talking about. INSANE. Sure I'll walk into the audition and announce to the judges that I really just came to get on t.v. so I could get a girlfriend. HELLO?!?! Wow. Put down the crack pipe.

Clifford the Fireman - that title sounds like a cartoon character. Anyway, I personally liked him and thought Simon was unnecessarily rude here. That nasal tone is all good and there have been several in the biz with it. His voice actually reminds me of someone though... Anyone know who I'm talking about? Hhmmm...

Model Girl - OUT! BE GONE! Paula what happened to that backbone I thought you had grown this season?!?! Argghh!! Stand your ground girl!

And last but not least... the boy Shonda is calling Sleepy Church Boy. Here's a little story. In what I can only imagine must have been a crazy, psychotic moment in time, I somehow managed to miss the first 9 minutes of the show. Yep, I said it. I know. I didn't even know Sleepy Church Boy existed until I read Shonda's blog. Apparently he sang at minute number 7. I got on the phone - and after recovering from utter disbelief and shock - Shonda TIVO'd me up some Sleepy Church Boy audio. Is this boy fabulous or what?! LOVED this voice. Now what's interesting is that with no visual to go along with the voice I probably have a different perception than most. I mean, we all know that the visual perception makes up at least a third of how good we initially perceive the voice to be right? I mean, Model Girl is proof of that. I don't know, but it sounds like it would be a pretty good scientific experiment doesn't it? Anyway, he is very good and I can't wait to see him Monday night.

Alright those are all the one's that caught my attention. I won't go on about the numerous freaks that showed up. I've said it before, if you want some really good entertainment just watch Randy. His face says it all. And somehow the laughing Simon brings a different side of his character to life. The fact that he just busted out laughing at times is almost.... well human. And Paula, Paula, Paula. I LOVE her hair this season. And she had some real judge quality to her BEFORE the 2 city disappearance. What happened? Do you think the powers that be got to her? Do you think they told her to get back into her old nurturing one character? Don't you listen to them Paula. You'll have a lot more street cred when you get ready to release that upcoming album if you keep up the backbone. Well... I don't know if even THAT will help sell your albums.... but it's worth a try.

Alright, I'm out.

All Church Boy, All The Time

Now, granted...I've only seen a small fraction of the 117 individuals invited to Hollywood. Much of what we have seen (endured!) these past five nights has been the scariest that Fox had to offer. Oh, Fox has been cruel. To the contestants, yes. Scat Girl, Lost 80 Pounds Girl and that Little Girl Who Looked Like She Was Audition for Lisl in The Sound of Music (LGWLLSWALTSM) are probably all scarred for life by Simon's words and by Fox's subsequent need to mock them over and over again for the amusement of the public. Yes, Fox has been cruel to the contestants.

But they've also been cruel to us. Because we've only been allowed snippets of brilliance. Brief passages of time with the REAL talent. Mere glimpses at those who might become our next AI. Of course, now that we know they're chaining us to our TV sets THREE nights next week with a special Monday episode, we know why. They are holding out. They want the ratings juggernaut to continue.

So, because of their cruelty, I know I speak too soon. I haven't seen enough talent to make an early calls. And yet...

...does anybody else love Sleepy Church Boy as much as I do?

Because I do. Love him. Yes. Love me some Sleepy Church Boy. Sleepy Church Boy is my new husband. Or at least live in boyfriend. I may have to kick him to the curb after Monday's show but until Monday...I do love me some him!

Now, that is not to say that I don't have love for a few others...

1) Jesus. No, not the one nailed to the cross. I've had 12 years of Catholic school and, as far as I know, the one nailed to the cross never sang. I mean, JESUS. The hot Latino crooner who stood before Paula and the boys with his even hotter Latino brother. Mmmhmm. Praise JESUS.

2) Scooter Girl. Bette Midler reborn. She's weird, she's kooky and, even though Sandie doesn't like her, I think she has the goods.

3) Natalie Cole Girl. Dreah, I think her name is. She was luminous in a retro floral pink dress and her voice was elegant. How long has it been since we've had an elegant voice out there? Dinah Washington? Etta James? That ain't bad company to be in. LOVE HER.

4) Summertime Singin' Daddy's Girl. I love this girl too. She had pipes. She had a drawl-sy Southern accent. Plus, she loves her Daddy. Who can argue with that kind of triple threat?

5) Macy Gray girl. I dug the short hair. I dug the faux lady-like attitude (did y'all see how she exploded into full out ghetto when she celebrated with her family?). And I seriously dug her vocals.

6) Asian Son of Immigrants. Bao Viet, I think was his name. Bao Viet could sing. More importantly, Bao was HOT. A CUTIE PIE. Love me some Bao Viet and wish him all the best in the pursuit of his Daddy's American Dream.

7) Adorable Country Boy. You know, who I mean. The one with the huge smile who sang Elton John's Painted Lady with a serious country accent? Mmmm. He could also be my husband...

8) Opera singing Football Player. He was pretty good in the audition. Even better when he belted the opera for his brother.

That's eight. Nine, if you include Sleepy Church Boy. Not bad. I almost have a top ten. Let's see how many of them make it through Hollywood. 'Cause you know that's where people fall apart.

However, I do think Simon and Randy screwed over a few people. Well, two.

1) Military Girl from the first episode. Looking at the some of the people we saw them put through, I don't think they were fair to her. It's not her fault she auditioned on the very first day. She would have made it if she had been in Houston.

2) Big Girls Rock Girl. Yeah, she was very, very, very large. And she did not seem to have a clue as to how to make herself look cute. But she could sing. They dissed her because of the size of her booty. And that ain't right. ESPECIALLY because they took that model who CAN NOT SING just because she was half-naked and cute. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Oh well...

Here's hoping we see less cuties and more TALENT on Monday.

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.

SET YOUR TIVO

On Monday Feb 2 at 8pm ET, Fox will air a special called "American Idol: The Road to Hollywood." The special is going to showcase the talents of the 117 people who made it to the Hollywood auditions.

Wait...

Isn't that what these past two weeks of audition episodes were supposed to do? That is, before Fox decided to milk this AI puppy for all it was worth?

Oh well. At least we'll finally get to hear people who can actually SANG.

Oh my...

Whilst my sister chooses to expound on the larger theories of "affectation" which seem to chart the course of this season's AI, I choose to focus on the minutiae. The little things. The small stuff. The very reason we watch such a crazy, bizarre, charming, hysterical HOOT of a television show.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I speak of William Hung.

William Freakin' Hung.

I was yelling at the TV screen last night. I was howling with laughter last night. Diet Coke came out of my nose last night (very painful, don't try at home).

For those of you who missed it (and undergoing major surgery is the ONLY excuse for missing it), let me paint a picture for you:

A Charlie Brown blockhead of a young man, William Hung sported a bowl haircut and a plaid shirt buttoned right up to his Adam's apple. He wore a backpack over both his shoulders (we 80s people know a backpack only goes over one shoulder -- back problems be damned). And there was something...not quite RIGHT about his teeth. And his eyes. I would say that it's altogether possible that GeekBoy (as I fondly call him) is autistic or perhaps suffers from Down's Syndrome. I would say it. Were it not for the fact that GeekBoy is pursuing his civil engineering degree at UC Berkeley. He's no Forrest Gump-ian cutie. No, no. Willy the Geek is CRAZ-ZEE! He walks in, tells the judges that he is the next American Idol and then...

(excuse me while I scream with laughter)

...busts out his own unique version of "She Bangs" by Ricky Martin while doing freaky Running Man-like dance moves.

Okay. It doesn't sound funny. Not on paper. But OH MY GOD! I literally fell onto the floor, screeching with laughter so hard that I ceased to make any noise at all. YOU HAD TO SEE IT. And then REWIND and WATCH IT AGAIN!

I love Willy the Geek. ADORE him. His exuberance, his spirit, his total obliviousness to the rules that govern the Lord of the Flies-like sphere that pop culture resides in. He was utterly, guilelessly, clueless. I even loved his willingness to jerk his body around each time he said "She BANGS!" I. LOVE. HIM.

He was so wonderfully naive that not even Simon's insults could hurt him. All he said was, "I tried my best and I can't ask for more than that."

Then...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then he said that he had never had "any professional training of singing".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

It was so Ferris Bueller's Day Off ("never had ONE lesson!") but without the irony.

Later, lying in bed, still howling with laughter, Willy the Geek haunted me. Because he speaks of a larger societal problem. And I'm not talking about why lyrics to Ricky Martin songs are remembered by ANYONE. I'm talking about why this world values being the American Idol so much.

Because what EXACTLY is this world coming to that even geeky civil engineering majors with bad English and even worse teeth want to be the American Idol? Not just believe they can be the Idol -- we've already established the world is full of whackos. But WANT to be the Idol? You're going to be an ENGINEER! You're brilliant. You're at Berkeley. You'll make a six figure salary every year until you retire. You'll probably have killer stock options.

And still...

...being the Idol is better than that?

Everybody wants to be the Idol.

Even William Freakin' Hung.

Affected...

Let's just talk about this for one moment before we get started.

Randy, Simon AND Paula have used this word to describe what they're seeing this year in many contestants. THIS in fact is what caused that very fight between Paula and Randy before she so conveniently took leave of the auditions with "the flu". (who's buying this?!?!) They are apparently so irritated with the fakers in the crowd this year that they're just calling them out when they see 'em. Let's just examine exactly what the word affected means shall we...

af-fec-ta-tion
Pronunciation: "a-"fek-'tA-sh&n
Function: noun
1 a : the act of taking on or displaying an attitude or mode of behavior not natural to oneself or not genuinely felt
b : speech or conduct not natural to oneself : ARTIFICIALITY
2 obsolete : a striving after
synonym see POSE

For those of our dear readers who are a little more hip: These people would be "frontin'".

Here's what I think. The near death experience they all felt last season as Clay almost won has them FREAKED OUT. They do not want all the broadway, caberet, vegas show (ala Celine Dion), or the next easy listening Johnny Mathis sounding people who seem to be coming out of the woodwork in the running. Or worse, someone who really sounds good, and would have been chosen, but ACTS like they're performing. You know, they're always "on". Come on, we all know people like this. I've said a few times "She's always ON." followed closely by "She's got to be the most irritating person I know!". If you play back the last show and listen to Paula's voice closely off camera when the affected girl in question was being sent through to the next round by Randy you can hear her saying scathingly "She SO annoying." I mean, they keep saying things like, good voice AND good personality. Hhhmmphh. Well, I'm all for it. Let the weeding out continue. WEED. Clean out the crap so that when we get to the good part this year we've already moved on from the Josh's, Nikki's, Kim Lite's and Hairdressers (hhhmmm what was her name?)... and some would say it's precisely why Trenyce didn't get as far as she should have - some of you thought she was too divalicious and phony. Admit it, you would have used the word affected - if you had known it.

Heehee. Alright I've had my fun. Now don't go writing me all you Clay, Josh, Nikki, Kim Caldwell and Trenyce fans (or not so much fans... but you want to tell me that you DID know what affected meant).

Anyway, tonight's show: well there seemed to be more talent in those we saw with some talent and less in those we saw with none. Unbelievable. But here are the good points for me.

Jasmine - the little person with a big voice. I was so scared that Simon would go there and show us that he truly is a freak. But he held it together. I liked her voice and it'll be interesting to see what happens in the coming round.
Bao Viet - the immigrant parent boy. LOVED his voice. LOVED it and can I say it again LOVED this boy. Can't wait to hear more of him.
Matthew - ex-football player Matthew. You know what? I loved that his brother was so high on him, still calling him his "little brother" and all. And wait. His audition was good, but did anyone rewind that OPERA voice he belted out on the way out of the audition room?!?! HELLO! This boy has a voice on him.
Jeff Dingle - His desperado piece was fabulous. Really good as well.
But my favorite this time around was Dreah. Oh did I love this retro girl and her style. She's so cute, she's so warm and had an incredible voice. It was so not pop though... here we go... but they can't resist a truly good one and she was it. She has sort of an old time feel to her. Very unique tone and sound. And I even like her name ya'll. I'm gonna be watching her in the coming weeks. My absolute favorite so far. Don't let those creepy stylists get a hold of you girl. Hang on to your style, cause it sooooo works for you.

O.K. there were many ridiculous auditions shown too. But I'll only give words to just one: William Hung and his unsettling version (song and dance of that Ricky Martin tune. Just wrong people. While poor Randy had to hide behind the papers again while he laughed, I just laughed loudly and freely fell off the couch in my living room. His last words will haunt us all: "... I have no regrets.... I've had no professional training in singing or dancing" You're not alone William, you're obviously not alone.

Can't wait til next show to see how Hawaii does. But mostly, I just want to get this party on now!

I'm out.

Finally...

Maybe I'm more lame than most.

But can I just say that the period from Thursday to today has been the LONGEST of my life? The days between AI3 episodes are interminable. Bland. Lackluster. Lifeless.

BORING.

Paula, who drove me so insane in past seasons for her sugar-sweet platitudes, is quickly becoming my favorite judge this season. Perhaps when they cut her hair, they added a little brain juice. Perhaps she's sick of watching kids half her age eclipse her mediocre career in a matter of weekss. Perhaps she simply got some sense. Whatever. Because she's got a nervy, cynical edge these days that makes me SOOOO gleeful. Don't you love her? How could you NOT? She's finally a PERSON.

Alright. I'm counting the hours until the show begins...