Sorry that I've been AWOL for a week. I spilled coffee on my keyboard and it rudely decided to die on me. I had to wait for Apple to send me a new one.

Plus nothing is happening.

NOTHING.

In the world of Ruben and the eleven dwarfs (or is it dwarves?), there is NADA to report.

In the world of other reality TV...

...well, frankly, who cares?

Fame was so horrid the last time I watched that I vowed NEVER AGAIN and so do not know what is happening to the mediocre talent they scraped the bottom of the barrel to find.

American Juniors: Okay, the little DeBarge girl (any relation to El?) was both gorgeous and talented. But several of the other kids -- one of whom tried to sing a Sting song -- were less than stellar. Not to hate on children but I find this show almost as painful as Fame. The judges-

-Wait. I have to talk about the judges. Who are Gladys Knight, Justin Guarini and Debbie Gibson. Yes, you heard me. Debbie Gibson. Debbie Friggin' Gibson. Now, I can get with Gladys. She coined the "velvet teddy bear" thing and she's got the perfect mix of being just legendary enough and just past her prime enough to make it cool to have her around. As for Justin...well, I think he's hurting his career by slumming it on American Juniors. I mean, at least try to be an icon, please. You wouldn't see Kelly or Tamyra doing this show. He may as well be the center square on Hollywood Squares. But maybe it's good for the little girls to see him. But Debbie Gibson? Debbie, who looked sad and ragged in thick layers of makeup to hide the mottled skin and crow's feet that are the trademarks of a solid has-been, should be in college trying to put her life back together. Not blighting my TV screen. Yuck, yuck, vomit, yuck-

-Back to my original thought. Which was that the poor judges can't say anything negative to the contestants because they are tiny kids. You could actually see Gladys wincing at some of the performances. But she had to sugar coat every word so as not to wound the psyches of children already damaged by their parents' ambition. When the singing was so bad that I had to hit the mute button, Gladys and Justin were forced to resort to focusing on the one thing they could safely comment upon and not be lying: looks. "You are cute as a button." "My gosh, are you gorgeous!" "I just love to look at those big eyes!" "What a beauty you are!" Commenting on looks became the code for "YOU SUCK!"

Once more, I protest the abuse of these kids for America's amusement.

For Love or Money: This show is getting dumber and dumber. Frankly, if there were ANYTHING else on, I would not be watching. I don't even want to discuss it. Except to point out that somewhere in America, poor 21 year old Paige is watching herself on this show and cringing at how stupid she was for mooning over the hunk of burning idiocy that is NBC's misguided notion of a Bachelor.

ANTM: Is Elyse bulimic? Is Elyse anorexic? Why exactly is it that she only eats when Tyra is around? Did she or did she not vomit in the bathroom? Have the snide comments of the other model wannabes driven her over the edge? Is that short, bumbling geeky guy her boyfriend? Doesn't she realize that she can do better? Burning questions, my friends. This show just continues to keep me riveted to my television. If Elyse isn't locked in the confessional ripping on the other girls in a way that makes me scream with laughter, Adrianne is locked in the confessional talking about her dirt poor upbringing in a way that makes me root for her to win this thing. The other girls are merely there to give the show people to eliminate each week. Because in the end, I just know it's going to come down to Elyse and Adrianne. Brains versus chutzpah. Upper class versus trailer trash. Elegance versus ambition. It's the story of America microcosmed in too tall, too thin women living in a penthouse. It is perfection. Start watching.

The Amazing Race: I upgrade this from alright to interesting. The best part of the show is, of course, the setting. Venice a few weeks ago. Switzerland last week. How can you not love the travel? My money is still on Chip and Reichen. Although, I've got a soft spot for the asthmatic.

Alright. Gotta run. Sandie says she's only going to write if she has some AI relevant news to report. So hopefully, the contestants will start DOING something.

I'm out.