Missed the Oprah episode? Here's a recap:

Ruben showed up, looking adorable (if a bit stuffed) in a denim suit. He was all sweet, all dimples and I am forced to move right up nose to nose with my TV so that I can be alone with him. Oprah gushes. Oprah gushes some more. Oprah shows clips of the taping of Ruben's Flying Without Wings video which was shot in Birmingham -- the filming of the video literally brought the city of Birmingham to a grinding halt as people filled the streets hoping for a glimpse of the Big Guy. More Oprah gushing. Some audience members get up to gush and, after a reading of the scariest stalker-y fan letter ever, Ruben is forced to hug the woman who wrote it (I think she called herself Mama Corn Cake or Mama Greens and Okra -- I am NOT joking). Oprah gushes some more.

Ruben sings Flying Without Wings. Oprah cries. The audience cries. Hell, I cry. Ruben just shows those dimples and sings and sings and sings.

After the break, Clay comes out. Oprah's gushing grinds to a noticeable halt. She's nice and all but it becomes clear that, while she is secretly in love with Ruben and plotting to leave Stedman for him, Clay does not do it for her. Clay is more chatty than Ruben. It's not hard to be more chatty than Ruben. Helen Keller is more chatty than Ruben.

(Shockingly, Ruben does break his silence for a minute or two to make a long and eloquent statement about how Birmingham (city of the bombed church where four little black girls were killed in the 60s and home of the famous/heinous phrase "Segregation Now, Segregation Forever") has changed over the past 30 years and become a place to be proud of. Ruben's insight was very I Have A Dream, very fabulous.)

Oprah shows video of Clay's photo shoot for Rolling Stone. Yes, Clay is going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone. ROLLING STONE. Clay. On the cover. Rolling Stone. Wha...?

Did I black out the night of the AI finale? Did Clay win and nobody told me? Because I thought Ruben was the American Idol. I thought the American Idol was the one who got all the goodies. So WHAT THE HELL IS CLAY DOING ON THE COVER OF ROLLING STONE?

Ruben does not seem to mind that Clay is stealing his thunder. He just smiles and sits next to Oprah (who seems to be trying to feel Ruben up) as they watch Clay sing This is The Night. Clay messes up the last note of the song and he and Ruben giggle about it while Oprah sends us to watch more commercials. They really are friends, people.

Back from the break, Oprah starts talking about Justin Guarini and I know that in a second, he's going to come out on stage and sing one of the Godawful songs from his new CD. While I love to look at me some Justin (Afro-licious as he is), I can not stand to hear that boy trying to sing. I blow a kiss to Ruben and turn off the TV.

Bye bye Oprah.

Now, on to other topics:

Fame: I refuse to watch this terrible wannabe AI show so I have nothing more to say about it. Except you shouldn't be watching this show either. Shame on you.

American Juniors: Last night's episode was simply more shameful parents and their sad performing monkey kids. 66 semifinalists fly to L.A. to spend a day learning a song and dance to perform for the judges. Several wee ones suffer breakdowns from the pressure. Parents berate their kids to "stop playing and start working!" When will child protective services step in and put a stop to this madness? Even Ryan Seacrest seems a bit creeped out by all the mania.

For Love or Money: In light of the revelation that the Bachelor of this show was once kicked out of the Marine JAG corps because he got drunk and broke into a women's dormitory where he fondled the women's breasts, Monday's episode where he basically seems to confuse himself with Hugh Hefner and the women with Bunnies seems especially sleazy. He's forced to apologize to the women and does so in that rambling, confused manner that reminds me why I never watched the Bachelor or Joe Millionaire: I don't like stupid guys. 5 more women are eliminated leaving a final group of women to vie for his heart and $1 million. Anybody who wants this man is obviously on crack. I vow to never watch again.

ANTM: Still the show of the summer. Last night, the MWs are put through their paces as they take acting lessons and then shoot a commercial for contact lenses. Robin reveals a natural acting talent that takes her to the head of the class. The Jesus trio of MWs grind their booties in an impromptu dance contest that makes you wonder where in the Bible it says thou shalt shake your moneymaker in tiny shorts of national TV. Bald lesbian Ebony causes controversy when a) she invites her girlfriend for a visit and b) overoils her skin to make it healthier. The fact that moisturizer causes controversy is exactly why I love this show. In the end, Ebony is eliminated after her take no prisoners attitude finally makes even Tyra tired of her. Next week, the whole show seems to be focused on my girl Elyse and why she never seems to eat anything. What? A model with a eating disorder? What a shocker!

Enough said.

Don't forget to catch Ruben and Clay on Oprah today! I will be watching every single moment of Oprah sucking up to our boys!

Was it just me or does For Love or Money make anyone else want to rip out their own eyeballs?